Draw a crazy picture, write a nutty poem. Sing a mumble-gumble song, whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance, cross the kitchen floor. Put something silly in the world that ain’t been there before. – Shel Silverstein "Put Something In"

10 Apr

“More people write poetry then read it.” – George Carlin

What is up kids?

Happy National Poetry month!  What have you been doing to celebrate?  i’m guessing you’ve already thrown a huge party, you’ve gone to numerous poetry readings and you’ve written a poem every single day in April.  Or wait, let me guess.  NONE of your read poetry.  “Is there where you’re going today?  F*cking poetry???  Later Dicks!  i’ll be over in RANDOM NONSENSE…

Haha i’m sure once i even mentioned the word poetry more then half of you got bored to tears.  Or at the very least got really mad at me and wanted to hurt me physically.  So yeah i don’t plan on ranting too long on this because i know poetry is not for everyone.  In fact, it’s barely for me.  i mean i have a few collections of poetry books.  And i own some from certain writers from my favorite Shel Silverstein to ex Black Flag lead singer Henry Rollins.  “Henry Rollins writes prose not poetry you ahole!”  Thanks person who said that but who definitely does not exist because no one would ever get that reference.

But personally i dig both styles.  i write more prose i guess because i dig the freedom to write whatever i want without any rules or boundaries.  It’s that frame of mind that pretty much shaped my blog, or my entire writing career actually.  But i do appreciate the framework of a poem as well.  It’s a challenge to make every other line rhyme, or to keep the same amount of syllables yet still say exactly what you want to say.  Didn’t any of you even write poems in high school?  i’m sure some of you did only because that’s what you had to do in class.  But there has to be some of you that did used to enjoy writing and then you just eventually stopped because life got in the way.  i am no different, i just waited several years before i remembered how much i love it and then i started this blog which is now over a year old and i’ve written 116 of these masterpieces bitches!  i can now legally be declared a crazy person!

And i know there are some of you that are literally so bored right now just hearing about poetry that you are about to vomit in rage and depression and never read my blog again.  But before you bounce for good,  i’d like to show you a couple of things i wrote back in high school.  No, it’s not another letter to my ex-girlfriend.  But these writings were in that same book i found that letter in.  And now that i actually have a decent following of people who read my nonsense i can write these again today.  And i’m doing it because the idea that stuff i wrote back in 1994 is now being shown to hundreds of people today is straight up INSANITY if i actually start to think about it.  In my wildest dreams i could never picture people actually reading my garbage.  But apparently i should start dreaming bigger because it’s about to happen…

This one has no title but it has a very familiar topic that some of you might recognize as being very relevant to me even today.  As you will soon see i may have gotten older in years since then but my mind has always kind of worked the same…

“Untitled”  

The smell of the toilet has just overwhelmed me.  My first attempt was in vain, for a dry heave left a hot, burning rush of bile up into my mouth and back into the stomach in which it came from.  My watery eyes glanced into the toilet empty of puke, and i knew that i failed.  A thin strip of saliva hung from my lip, and would not let go.  As i got up and looked at myself in the mirror a recollection of the night before popped into my brain.  Then i felt something snap, as if my stomach decided it could hold the unwanted liquids no longer.  As the vomit came up i tasted it once again.  However, it was not nearly as good.  i aimed for the toilet but a good deal still got on the wall.  The pain was intense when i threw up.  My stomach felt as if it was being pushed into oblivion.  My chest pounded and i couldn’t breathe.  i threw up around five times before it was finally over.  i looked at myself in the mirror.  My eyes looked as though i had just finished crying.  Puke was dripping from my nose and mouth and the smell of Gordan’s vodka was evident throughout the house.  i could say i promise i will never do this again, but we know that never works.  i sigh, dreading the moments until my next hangover.

You know how crazy it was to find this years later?  Holy S i based over 100 blogs on this same topic!  And for a dumb kid in high school i’m actually a fan of what i wrote, enough to put it in today’s blog at least haha.  Although for those of you who were hoping i’d put down one of my awful heartbreak poems i won’t dissapoint you either.  So here goes…

“Second”

You’ve beaten me once again.  i guess i’ve come in second place.
To love her would be a sin, i know i have to smash your face.
Does the betterman always win?  A loser’s what i’ve always been.
  Second is not good enough for me. To kill myself then maybe you’d see.
  If i could just let go then i’d be free.  My love would be out for the whole world to see.
All the love i have, it means $hit.  Because if it did i’d have you.
Maybe “love” just doesn’t fit, but the feelings i have are true.
A loser’s what i’ve always been.  The betterman must always win.
  Second is not good enouhg for me.  But that is just what i deserve to be.

Ah, THERE it is.  That soul crushing love poem that can only be written by a dumb teenager.  And for real if i had to guess over 60% must have bailed on this rant forever ago.  But like i said it amuses me heavily to re-write these poems almost 20 years later and actually have people read them this time.  And it’s National poetry month, when the f*ck else am i going to do it?  But that’s enough nostalgia for today.  In my blog at least, i kinda have a wacky day planned for myself i will be honest.  And i need to get moving on it so let’s get to the real Nonsense already!

RANDOM NONSENSE


-Hey college that i graduated from who keeps sending me stuff looking for donations…F’in relax already!  i do appreciate the education you gave me and all, but have you seen the amount left on my school loan? Yeah i’ve paid off two of the three loans i had.  But i’m pretty sure this last one won’t be paid off until my great grand kids are writing their own blogs and they start reusing stuff they wrote in high school in order to talk about poetry and be lazy and not write new stuff.  Every gddamn day these fools are asking for money and i really don’t get it.  It’d be like my credit card company calling me up and saying “So we see you have $20k still left to pay off on your account but we were also wondering if you’d like to send us extra money!  No, not to help pay off your card quicker, but more of as a thank you to us for letting you have the card in the first place!”  Um no, i won’t be sending you more money aholes.  In fact, i’m kinda banking on this world ending in 2012 theory in hopes that you will never get the rest of that money from me ever!  A man is allowed to dream i guess.

-i can’t use Ipod ear buds.  Those little ear buds you get with your Ipod that suppossedly fit right in your ear?  Yeah i can’t use those, those $hits fall out all the time and are mad annoying.  How do people run with them in?  i’ll use them on a long car ride or if i’m on a plane, because if i’m just sitting there it’s not a problem.  i just don’t get people who use those ear buds and go for a walk outside or a run on the treadmill.  One of them ALWAYS isn’t in right and feels like it’s slipping out.  And then i spend most of my time adjusting them or trying to make them feel right and it just makes running so much worse.  So  yeah i use the oldschool headphones that just wrap around your dome.  Not hugemongous ones like the Dj’s wear, just big enough to go on my ears and i never have to adjust them or anything ever no matter what i’m doing.  i don’t know if anyone else feels this way about these stupid ear buds but since no one ever complains about them i’ll be the first, and probably the last.  Oh well.

-Does everyone remember what old telephone rings sounded like?  i know the kids today probably don’t because they all have the ring tones and listen to Jason Bieber and the music and the things.  But i mean oldschool, non-cordless phones everyone used to have in their house.  And if you watch old movies even from the 80’s and even 90’s all those old phones have those rings.  Anyways my point is if you do remember those old phones then you must remember the old BRRRRRRRRRIIIIIING BRRRRRRRRIIIIINNG BRRRRRRIIIIIING! ring they used to have.  Jeebus Christmas what the F was with that?  Is there a more annoying sound in the gddamn world?  That ring was SO f’n obnoxious and loud, yet everyone seemed fine with it back then.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i get they had to be loud so people would hear it.  But did they have to pick that exact awful annoying ring?  It’s like people who use alarm clocks and wake up to that mechanical buzzing that is just like “MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH” instead of waking up to music like a sane person.  God those sounds are SO annoying.  Do you notice the sound your Iphone makes when you get a message?  It’s this calming gentle “Bong” sound that makes you happy you got a message, none of that awful beeping and loud rings.  Apple realized people don’t want to listen to those loud and horrific obnoxious sounds.  i’m so glad i live in the future.

-Alright i lied, i’m not done with the poetry angle yet.  There was actually a Haiku that i also wanted to put down so i’m gonna do it here now.  It wasn’t written by me, it was actually in the book “The Marijuana-logues” which all of you should buy and own.  And it goes like this:

 “A Really High-Ku”

Clogged bowl  suck harder
No screen though
Mouth full of resin

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – “The Willy Nilly’s”.   Has everyone realized how f’n good i am at this yet?

Fast Food Tips- So Americans like to think they are pioneers and the best at everything but i just found out about a fast food item from the UK that is so amazing that the United States should be ashamed of themselves for not creating it first.  i mean i’ve always been a HUGE fan of stuffed crust pizza.  Because honestly, there is only one part of the entire pie that does not have cheese and it was about time that we fixed that.  But the UK took it a step further and invented the Pizza Hut “Hot Dog” Stuffed pizza!  booooooooooWHIP!  My penis just went from 6 to 12 when i heard that.  Pizza Hut describes it as having a “succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust with a FREE mustard drizzle. ” Which is funny because when i heard of this new pizza there was a free drizzle pouring down my leg from my succulent hot dog sausage.  But yeah i probably shouldn’t be grossing you out when you should be focusing on how fantastic this invention is.  “Grossing me out?  That turned me on!”  Um, you have problems my friend. But thinking this hot dog crust pizza is the best thing ever is not one of them!

Poems, prose, a hot dog pizza and High-Ku’s all in the same blog?  You may not have laughed today but you are all way classier f*cks after reading me i’ll tell you that!  And oh yeah starting this Friday, the return of “Facebook Ettiqute”!  i know this has been long overdue but i’m finally bringing that S back.  And by S i mean $hit not sexy.  Why would i need to bring that back when it never left me?

But i hope everyone has a great week. Thanks for reading, tell you friends to check me out and also check out my blog and i will see you kids on Friday!  – miguel jo$e

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