If i ran across your picture, if I called you by mistake. And if i ask someone about you, it’s a habit i can’t break. – Beck "Looking for a Sign"

30 Mar

What is up kids?

No i’m not using murderously depressing lyrics to start off my blog because i’m about to get all emotional again.  Didn’t i tell you that i was gonna lay off that stuff for a hot one?  “Yeah but we don’t believe you because you are a dirty liar/Mexican!”  Touche, but for real my plan is to just stick with the ha-ha’s for the time period and for once i’m not going to blow it!

But yeah i used that quote because Beck has had a new single out since March 20th and if you haven’t heard it yet you are BLOWING it.  Beck is seriously the most inspiring/innovative musician that i have ever heard in my life and he truly is a genius, the George Carlin of music if you will.  So it’d be a crime to not let you kids know about his single and since i’ve broken enough laws lately i don’t want to add this to my list as well!

Speaking of breaking laws, i don’t know if i admitted this already but i guess i’ll just tell you guys.  i LOVE to steal things.  F’n love it.  i don’t do it all the time or nothing but i do it a decent amount.  Sometimes i do it because i’m broke but most times i just do it out of principle.  i REFUSE to pay for batteries or razor blades.  Both items are ridiculously overpriced and i just will not play their game.  Have you ever seen how much razor’s cost?  It’s like 30 beans for 5 razors!  Or it’s free when i just put those $hits in my pocket and walk right out the store.

i guess i really only steal from CVS and Supermarkets, i know better then to steal form malls.  Do NOT steal from the mall unless you are a pro because if they catch you they will prosecute you with zero problem.  Malls want to make an example out of people who steal so if you get caught expect to pay a harsh penalty.  Now as far as stealing from supermarkets it kinda depends on how much you are taking but for the most part if you get caught you will be able to just pay a fine and avoid any courts or legal nonsense.  Unless the amount has changed in the last few years i believe the fine for getting caught stealing is around $150.  Which sucks but when i think about how much ‘ve taken over the years i know i am still WAY ahead…

But i am pretty much down to steal anything that will fit in my pockets.  Deodorant, air fresheners, Advil or medicine in general, those Starbucks “Via” packets, gum and/or mints, etc.  i take all of this stuff and will continue to do so forever because i just kinda don’t care.  Our entire lives are one big game kids, and sometimes you gotta cheat a little bit whenever you can.  And who am i f*cking over, the people who own these big corporations? Yeah for some reason i don’t care about that.  “But because of you stealing and them losing merchandise they have to jack up the prices on everything so when you steal it does affect all of us!”  Really?  i hadn’t thought about that.  And now that i have i still don’t care so there ya go.  They can jack up the prices on those items all they want because in the end it’s just gonna be free for me anyway.

There’s no real point to this rant.  i’m not trying to get any of you to start stealing and i’m really not making a comment on how bad this is one way or another.  i don’t know if any of you (Ma) will be disappointed or angry that i do this but if you are you don’t have to tell me about it cause i don’t care.  i’m fine being a thieving dirtbag and i just figured i’d tell you guys this cause why not.  Plus that’s my rant for today and i’m sticking to it!


-Is there anything worse then dropping your phone in the gddamn toilet??? MAN does that suck sweaty donkey balls.  i’ve done it both drunk and sober and every time i want to kill someone.  First of all once you hear that “THUNK” of the phone hitting the water you’re just like mother f’n gdDAMN it!  And then you got to do that quick grab into your pee and/or $hit to pull it out as quick as possible.  Then you got to do the whole taking out the battery and putting it in front of a fan for 10 hours to hopefully dry it off and it will actually work again which most times it does not.  i hope i never do this again but when you like to sit down every time you pee the chances of it happening again are very likely.  And don’t judge me! i’m mad tired and need to rest so i like to sit when i pee.  Girls do it all the time, i don’t see anything wrong with it.  So go F yourself.

-How come when i go to bars and order a drink they won’t automatically assume….

NO i don’t sit down when i pee!  Jeebus Christmas did you kids really believe that?  Honestly grow up.  i don’t have trouble admitting most things but yeah i’m not that lazy that i need to sit when i urinate.  Besides that’s one of the most fun things about being a guy is standing and peeing and not having to put your ass on a seat that is shared with 1000’s of people  But yeah stop believing everything i say, especially in Random Nonsense!

-How come when i go to bars and order a drink they won’t just automatically assume I want it in the largest glass they have available?  i was at a bar the other night getting vodka clubs and then the waitress goes “Do you want your next one in a tall glass?”  And i was like no i’m large man who likes to drink a lot, can you give me my drink in a child’s size sippy cup please?  Where else would they do this?  If i go to a fast food place and order a meal they don’t just automatically assume i want the kids meal and prize for myself, they normally assume i want the regular big boy meals and i will buy the toy separately.  And the other thing i don’t get is they would make more money at the bar if they just brought out the bigger drink, so why bother with that small glass in the first place?  i don’t get most things most times about things.

-i always thought it would be funny if just one day i cut weight like the UFC fighters do, or like wrestlers in high school or college.  If you don’t know in wrestling and UFC they have certain weight classes, and many of the fighters will cut anywhere from 10 pounds and over to make weight.  They do crazy stuff like wear a rubber suit and ride a bicycle in a sauna and ridiculous stuff like that.  But some of these guys can cut CRAZY weight, like 20 pounds or more.  Which is totally not healthy and you have to be a psychopath but whatever that’s what they do.  Anyways i always thought it’d be funny if i did that before work or something one day.  Like get up at 5 am, cut like 30 pounds and just walk into work like normal.  And people would see me and be like “Holy f’n $hit you lost so much weight!!”  And i’d be like really? i didn’t eat breakfast but thank you i have been trying to watch my figure.  And then i’d go to lunch and just gain it ALL back before the end of the day.  This is about as far as i can go with this bit but i’ve thought this for awhile and now that i’ve gotten it off my chest i realize how not funny it is.  Oh well. 

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: So i was a huge fan of the Matrix, or at least the first one.  And i know everyone bashes the 2nd and 3rd films and rightfully so, but the funny thing is i don’t know if most people know the real reason those sequels suck so much ass.  And it’s crazy because there’s a very simple formula that made the first movie awesome that they got away from in the other ones and i have no idea why.  But the reason the 2nd one was worse then the first movie is because there was less Matrix in the film.  The first movie was basically all in the Matrix so that one is the gddamn money.  The second one was kinda split between “real” life and the Matrix and then the final one was almost all in real life and there was hardly any Matrix.  Hmmmm so less Matrix less good.  The people making those movies could not figure that out?  And from what i hear from people who have read “The Hunger Games” trilogy it sounds like that movie is going to do the same thing.  i hear the first book/movie is all about the Hunger Games, and then second one has less to do with it and then the third one is barely any or none Hunger Games.  So all of you who helped make that movie one of the top grossing of all time i hope you’re all ready to be disappointed in the sequels! 

Did i just ruin the Hunger Games for anyone?  If i did i don’t apologize, my boy Jay John let everyone know that the plot of this film has already been done in the movie “Battle Royale” which Quentin Tarantino called the best film of the 90’s.  So if you want to watch the same plot but done better and years earlier check out this film!

Man that really was the money movie review, i just did like 11 films haha

Fast Food Tips- Right now White Castle has the money deal on Chicken Rings, 20 of them for 5 beans.  The money move is to buy them along with a crave case and put a chicken ring in the burger to give it more texture and crunch.  In fact im going to go do that right now…

And i’m finito.  i was a little worried about putting a blog today because i was f’n DESTROYED last night but i just proved once again how money i am by putting up this fantastic work.  Speaking of getting destroyed, if anyone wants to join me for a happy hour today i will be at the Office Bar and Grill in Ridgewood NJ today at 5 pm.  i’m going to celebrate my blog being around for a year but also just to get cheap drinks and bar food because i’m an alcoholic and i love awful fried bar’ry goodness.  If you can make it out it’d be the money to party with you kids but if you can’t you are blowing it and i will see you on Tuesday when my next blog comes out! 
Have a great weekend everyone!  – miguel jo$é

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