Who knows how long i’ve loved you, you know i love you still. Will i wait a lonely lifetime, if you want me to i will. – The Beatles "i will"

9 Mar
A Trilogy of heartbreak: by miguel jose
No it’s not 3 stories of heartbreak, just one.  But it’s the big one, it’s the loss of my first love.  Sure it was high school and everyone is overly dramatic about that nonsense.  But not like me, i was HORRIFIC.  Just a straight up lunatic, and to be honest i feel bad for the girl who dumped me.  i mean yeah she broke my heart but holy S balls at some point i had to realize i wasn’t the broken hearted romantic guy in the movie trying to win his girl back.  i was straight up emotional train wreck that had no business being in any one’s life at the time let alone hers.  Her only crime was to break my heart, although i’ll be honest that does pay a heavy price.  But yeah i shouldn’t have put her through what i did, and i guess even though i was just a dumb kid i still kinda feel bad.
But yeah enough preface to this story, it’s time to get down to it.  What i want to show to all of you is a letter that 17 year old miguel wrote to the girl that he loved, and basically i’m showing this to you because i want everyone to know that i have been an absolute madman my entire life.  Other then correcting some spelling errors and making very small changes here and then i am going to post this letter word for word.  i’m doing this because one, i think most people can relate to heartbreak one way or the other. But also, i’m doing it as a reminder to myself of how passionate and intense i used to be.  i’m a tad more relaxed these days, and i know i couldn’t handle being that enraged ball of emotion anymore.  But after shutting out this part of my life for so f’n long i think it’s finally time to relieve this past heartbreak, if only for nostalgia’s sake.  So without further Apu, (that’s for you jewell), here is part one of one of my post breakup letters to my first love:
Now before you think this is yet another attempt for me to win back your love, let me assure you this is not my purpose. Trust me, i’m not going to bother with that anymore.  i don’t need all the extra thought, i got enough right now as it is.  i’m not going to think about you and what it would be like if things were different.  They are not different.  It’s like this.  To put myself through your indifferent attitude towards my existence is to be insulted by pain, pain i don’t need anymore.  But being back home as made me realize one thing, i hate not knowing why i care about you.  If you do not care about me anymore so be it.  Yes, at a time this was the reason i could not face life sober, or with the idea that life could have meaning.  i used to think that if my love did not care about me that i was worthless.  This is something i do not believe anymore however, for i realized the strength i have.  True, this took a while to find out, yet it did happen. So please know, it does not bother me that you do not care about me.  However the notion that you cannot understand why i still care about you fills me up with a feeling that makes me want to kill someone, throw-up, and cry at the same time. 

No, we cannot have the relationship we once had together.  This bothers me about the same amount you show it bothers you.  But for me to see you acting and thinking the way you do about yourself the way you do now hurts a lot, for you are still a person i hold dear to my heart. Listen, i know you’ve changed.  i mean your lips move but it’s like i can’t hear or understand what you’re saying because it makes no sense to me.  i can’t get over how much you’ve changed.  However you are still young as am i, and of course we can’t stay the same…


It gets even more embarrassing kids, but that’s all i can bare to post for today.  Man i was so full of $hit!  Who was i trying to fool that i didn’t care?  “Hey look i totally don’t care that you’re over me but i’m gonna write you this 100 page novel telling you all the reasons that i still love you and how much i miss you but yeah i also don’t care how you feel.”  HAHAHAHAHA!  What a big bag of douche!  And the best part is knowing how much pain i was in when i wrote that.  Like for real i felt my heart tearing out of my chest and i bet the original letter is covered in dried tears.  But now i can post it up on my blog years later and not give an F.  That’s a lesson to all of you dealing with heartbreak, it make take 20 years but eventually you will get over it!

On to the nonsense!


-Daylight savings is this weekend, and not the good one either.  Spring FORWARD?!?!? Holy f’n $hitballs when it is the Daylight savings where you have to move the clocks forward an hour i want to straight murder myself in the face!  Gddamn losing that f’n hour!!  C’mon scientists, figure something out where we don’t have to do the hour forward thing.  For real there’s like a 50/50 chance if it’s gonna be the hour forward or back but it feels like it’s always losing that hour.  It just really sucks and i have no solutions other then the cry and yell and curse so gddamn motherf*ckering f*ck.  Stupid Daylight savings.  Balls.
-if you’ve ever been a waiter then you know how much rolling silverware sucks f*cking A$$.  Holy S Balls is there anything worse?  Maybe cleaning out the salad station at the end of the night because that is also a disgusting nightmare.  But gddamn when you’re finally done and cashed out and your tables are clean and you’re ready to bounce but you have to roll 100 gddamn things of silverware.  And i defintiely dont’ have a funny observation or witty comment about this, it just used to really piss me off and i saw someone doing it at a restaurant the other night and it reminded me of how pissed off i used to get so i’m writing it down in my blog.  There’s your look inside my creative process, it’s absolutely enthralling isn’t it.

The Money $hot-out of the Week- RIP Biggie Smalls, the greatest rapper who ever lived

Fast Food Tips- So apparently there’s a fast food place called Hardees?  There are none around me so i’ve never been to one and i’ve never tried any of their food.  And i have no clue if they have any deals or what they even sell really.  But i do know they have a commercial that has Kate Upton in it so it’s now my favorite fast food place ever.  Enjoy!

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: i can’t remember if i said this one already, for real i REALLY need to re-read these blogs.  But i think the movie “Clueless” is kind of f*cked up now that Brittney Murphy is dead.  Like i used to watch it and think it was cute and funny but now it’s just kinda depressing.  Oh and Alicia Silverstone isn’t hot in real life anymore either.  So that kind of ruins the movie for me too.  Oh well, Turk is still funny in it. 

That is f’n IT for today my friends.  i’ll be honest this one took a lot out of me and i am SPENT.  Oh well it’s Friday and the weather is kinda money and it’s just a beautiful day to be alive.  So i gots that going for me i guess 🙂

Cya Tuesday!  – miguel jo$é


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