“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school? God has no place within these walls! Just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. -Superintendent Chalmers

24 Feb

What is up kids?

Whoo hoo it’s Lent!  Everyone get their ashes on Wednesday?  Because i will tell you right now that i did NOT.  i mean whatever, i grew up a Catholic and i used to do all that stuff including going to Church every Sunday but at some point i just stopped and have not been back since.  But although i don’t do that stuff anymore i did do it for years and years and feel like at this point i can make some general objective observations.  Which of course you’re not allowed to do with religion but oh well i’m gonna.

The whole ashes thing is kinda crazy to me though.  i mean yeah i get the symbolism of it and why people do it i guess but it just seems so old school to me.  And i don’t mean like early 80’s old school, i mean like when Jesus was still alive hanging with his crew old school.  It’s just crazy to me that in this day and age when people drive in cars that run on electricity, and people can literally get information from all over the world on their phone just by asking the voice on there any question they want, it’s just crazy that these same people also do a ritual where they put a big black ash on their dome.  And i’m not judging the people who do it because hey if that’s what you think you need to do to get into Heaven so be it.   i’m not gonna argue with you about it that’s for sure.  And i guarantee most of you will get there before i do so definitely do NOT take any advice from me.  On anything really…. 

But yeah i guess i can even see doing the ashes bit for one day.  But giving up something for 40 days?  Um, not it!  i already tried to give up stuff for my new years resolution last month and failed miserably, now you want me to pretend to give up something else for 40 days? And no meat on Fridays???  Um yeah that’s not happening either.  In fact today for lunch i’m going to Bobby’s Burger Palace and getting me a Bobby’s Blue burger which is a burger with bacon and crumbled blue cheese.  And even thinking about it i need to change my shorts.

Because i’ll be honest folks, i really don’t think that when i get to the gates of Heaven that all of a sudden my diet is going to come into question.  “Let’s see miguel, you tried to be a decent person in your life.  You were generally good to people and you never killed anyone or committed any mortal sins.  Ok, you can pass right on through to….WAITAMINUTE!!  You had a slice of pizza that had pepperoni on it on a Friday?!?? Straight to hell you go!”   So yeah for real i just don’t see that happening at all.  “miguel you’re SO right! you won’t go to hell for eating meat on a Friday, you’ll go to hell because you’re Mexican and we all know it wouldn’t be Heaven if Mexicans were allowed!”

WHOA… that was your roughest one yet buddy, congrats.  i can honestly say i’m seriously impressed with your level of racism on that comment, you should be proud.  But yeah before i finish offending everyone on this rant let me just say good luck to all of you who are trying to give things up.  And as i won’t judge you for doing whatever superstitions your religion requires you to do, i hope you don’t judge me when i’m halfway deep into a Bobby Blue burger as the juices from the bacon and that medium rare masterpiece are dripping down my chin later today!  Just thinking about it makes me go boooooooooWHIP!  And oh yeah happy Friday!


-So i REALLY need to get new windshield wipers for my car.  Like really bad, i can barely f’n see when it’s raining and when it’s raining at night forget it i’m like a kamikaze Mexican bomber in that car ready to smash into something and die in a fiery crash.  So you would think i would just get new wipers right?  i would think that too but the problem is i only remember that i need new wipers WHEN IT’S F’N RAINING!  When it’s nice out i’m not thinking about those stupid wipers because i’m not using them.  And who knows, maybe it’ll never rain again in my life!  It’s nice out right now, maybe it will stay that way forever!  Sounds like decent logic to me.  So yeah when it’s nice out i forget i need them and every time it rains i think i’m going to kill someone on the road, most likely myself.  Oh well, there’s really no solution i guess.  i mean besides just getting wipers already i mean.

-How come there is no medicine that tastes like candy?  i mean some aren’t God awful i guess, and Advil tastes like chocolate for a hot second unless you suck on it too long and taste the medicine and you want to throw up everywhere.  But how come it hasn’t worked out in life that there weren’t aspirin that tastes like a Boston creme donut, or a cough drop that tastes like a Snickers?  If i’m being honest that is the stuff that really makes me believe in a God, just how everything works out that way.  Like how everything that is awful for you is the most delicious thing in the world ,and how everything healthy tastes like my ass after i research these items on my Fast Food Tips.  And in addition, everything healthy is so expensive. Which when returning to my original point, i would be fine paying for these high prices if they just tasted like candy instead of ass!   Oh well, i’ll just eat this bag of Cheetos and pretend it’s medicine i guess.

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE- i can’t stand girls that ALWAYS find a way to bring their boyfriends up during a conversation.  For real, NO ONE CARES.  They will turn ANY conversation into their boyfriend.  So yeah i’m going to florida this weekend… “OMG me and BF went to florida last summer it was incredible!”  Hey do you happen to know what time it is?…”OMG my BF just bought me this beautiful watch i love it!!!”  My family is having a really tough time, we just found out my Grandmother has cancer…  “OMG my Boyfriend’s a cancer he was born July 14th!!!”

Fast food tips- So you are observing Lent, but you still wanna stuff your face with disgusting Fast Food? Well one chain is looking out for your digusting meet and religious needs my friends, and that place of course is White Castle!  That’s right, during Lent you can still get Fish Sliders and Fish Nibblers!  Which is awesome because not only are you staying faithful to your God by eating them, now when you deuce after you eat 10 of them it smells like fish!  That’s win win!  i’m not sure for who really, maybe the guy who sells toilet paper and air fresheners.  Or maybe it’s a win for your plumber who has to make weekly trips to your house to unclog the disaster you leave behind after your White Castle trips.  But the important thing is a win for somebody!

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE – Does anyone else notice that the last part of a toothpaste roll lasts FOREVER?  i keep thinking i’m ready to throw it out but everyday i get a little bit more, that last part lasts about 1000x longer then the entire rest of the tube.   i swear i thought i was done w/ this roll of toothpaste back in the summer of 2008 but it just keeps going.  “well maybe if you brushed you’re teeth everyday you’d finish the roll of toothpaste you dirty mexcian!”  shut up racist person reading my blog.

Alright that is IT for me today kids.  Holy S it’s unmotivating out!  It’s been super nice all week and now that it’s Friday Friday, getting down on Friday it’s a dark and rainy mess.  Oh well, i don’t care.  My mom’s surgery was successful and she should be home from the hospital soon so thank you Lord for that.  Also it’s my brother Ray’s birthday and my friend Lisa’s bday this weekend and tonight i’m going to celebrate my boy Tommy’s birthday at the Devils game.  So F you Mother Nature, you can be as rainy and crappy as you want but you’re not ruining my plans!  Especially not my one for lunch when i eat that delicious and sacreligious burger…

Cya Tuesday, -miguel jo$é


One Response to ““Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school? God has no place within these walls! Just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. -Superintendent Chalmers”

  1. Anonymous February 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

    oh…my…god…literally crying from laughing so hard.

    my co-workers are looking at me like I'm insane.

    love you!

    -stef =)


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