Despite all my rage i’m still just a rat in a cage… Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"

17 Feb

What is up kids?

So did all of you read my Valentine’s Day rant from my last blog yet?  You should do it, it’s the money.  But instead of going the rant route today i’m instead going to instead tell you a story that happened to be earlier in the week that i found hilarious.  i’m going to tell you guys in hopes you find it funny the same way i do but who knows, it’s kinda mean i guess so let me see how you all feel about it.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS REAL LIFE: 

So i’m driving to lunch the other day, and i’m stuck at a light where there are three lanes.  There’s a left lane for people going left, a middle lane for those going straight, and i’m in the right lane because i need to turn into the plaza that is on the right hand side directly after the light.  On my left side in the middle lane there’s an older lady in a brand new bright red Toyota something next to me who i’m barely paying attention to.  But as you will soon find out i started paying attention to her REAL quick.

So the light turns green, i start driving and my mind is on another planet as all i’m thinking about is the sandwich i’m going to get.  i’m getting ready to make my right turn into the plaza when this OLD F*CKING BITCH next to me decides “hey, my dumb ass needs to get into that plaza too!” and just merges into my lane without looking.  My mind is swimming with thoughts about this grilled chicken and roasted peppers sub i’m about to eat and all of a sudden this bitch is RIGHT in front of and i almost hit her.  Now this lady was old but definitely not old enough to be making these kind of dumb moves with her car.  She probably had to be mid 50’s, i wouldnt’ go as old as 60 but yeah this was some older white broad.  Anyways if any of you pay attention ever you know i never honk my horn which i’m usually okay with.  But holy S i was SO pissed this lady cut me off and it made me really mad that this time i once again forgot to honk my horn when i should have.  F honking my horn, i should have laid on that thing and honked my horn throughout that entire parking lot!

But anyways i was lucky i didn’t hit her, mostly because i’m a fantastic driver.  But yeah we both pull into the plaza and she goes left towards CVS and i make a right to the pizza place to get my sandwich.  So i go in their and i’m FUMING at how dumb this bitch was, totally mad at myself for at least not honking my horn.  But whatever i get my sandwich get in my car to go home and that’s the end of the story.  EXCEPT, that when i’m leaving the parking lot what do i see parked right in front of CVS?  A brand new bright red Toyota something.  But more importantly, there’s an open spot right next to her.

Now, i never do these kinds of things i’m about to say i did and i’m sure some people (my ma) won’t like that i did this but i feel like it had to be done.  But yeah i park right next to her car, i get out and walk over to it, and i spit the biggest loogie EVER dead center on her windshield.  And i mean a HUGE glob of spit, one of those ones where you clear out your throat and get it all out in one giant ball of saliva.  And not just that, i hadn’t been feeling that well this week and because of this i had a cold and i was able to get all that green and gray mucus out of my chest and throat and unleashed ALL of it in the middle of this lady’s windshield.  And i mean i got it ALL over that gddamn thing.

Was i wrong to to do this?  If you read my blog regularly  i’m going to guess you think what i did was right so in advance i thank you.  In fact, the only thing i think i did wrong was not wait to see the lady come back to her car and see her look of horror as she sees the disgusting pile of green and grey fluids left all over her windshield of her brand new car.  And i did actually debate waiting to see her reaction, i really did.  But to be honest, just imagining her reaction and then picturing her getting in her car and using her windshield wipers to try and clean my mucus from off her window but the wipers spreading it all over the window instead was enough to make me happy and know i did my job.

So yeah i know that’s not the best story in the world but it made me chuckle and hopefully it made you laugh as well.  Or you think i’m a mean ahole and hated that story and if that’s the case go f yourself and don’t come near me or i’ll spit on your car! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i love the wine rack in my house but it is CLEARLY not a necessity.  People who have wine racks obviously have them because they enjoy wine, but my problem is if i buy a bottle i am going to drink it right away so it never stays more then an hour on the rack.  If that!  So i feel like the wine rack is pointless investment although sometimes i’m tempted to keep empty bottles on there just to give the illusion that i’m classy and just to make it look pretty and full.  But no i never do that so instead i’ll always be looking at an empty wine rack.  Oh well, i’m over it.

-i think the main problem with going to the gym is that the weather has to be just right or i don’t want to go.  If it’s raining i can’t go to the gym because it’s too f’n $hitty out!  But if it’s too nice out i can’t go to the gym either, because i want to go out and enjoy the day!  So the fact that i never go to the gym really isn’t my fault if you think about it.  i blame God for not creating the right kind of weather that makes me want to go to the gym.  All knowing and all powerful my ass! 

Relax ma, i’m just kidding. i’m not trashing God, i’m just saying when he did his “Divine plan” it would have been nice if the threw something in there that would motivate me to want to go to the gym.  That’s all.  Other then that i think he did a perfect job with me, except for the fact that some girls complain that my penis is too big.  But what can you do, you can’t make everybody happy.

-Why can’t they make the tube inside a soap bottle just a tad longer so i can get to ALL of the soap?  There’s always that 1/2 inch of soap left on the bottom that i can’t get to so i stand there like an ahole trying to get soap for 5 minutes and it never works out.  So instead of getting to wash my hands i end up getting a full work out, plus i end up all sweaty from pumping the $hit out of that thing.  But then i can’t wash up because i still can’t get soap!  Plus we all know how much i hate working out!  i don’t know who’s in charge of this but please fix this please.

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE – i don’t know what the deal is with North Jersey pizza places, but apparently they have a strict policy of hiring the hottest teen Italian girls EVER to work the register. Definitely illegally young, no doubt about that.  But ask any guy from Jersey and they will all admit to knowing about this.  And every one of us have that one pizza place that we’ll go to even if the pizza isn’t that great, just because you have a favorite girl you want to see.  I probably shouldn’t be admitting this to the ladies, or anyone who might read this really.  But i did so deal with it.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!   “The Cheeky Monkeys”

 i swear to Christ i have the best talent for this…

That’s it for me today kids, although before i bounce i’d like to thank both Stephanie and Stefanie for helping me with my Random Nonsense today.  Stephanie wrote that gym bit for me and i basically stole two Facebook status updates from Stef as far as the wine rack and the soap inside the bottle bit.  Okay fine i didn’t “basically” steal these jokes from Stef i straight up stole them.  But whatever, i’m feeling mad lazy today and you ladies are mad funny and don’t have your own blog so i’m using your jokes and giving you the credit even though it’s me that everyone ends up loving because of it.  See, this situation is win win for all of us! 🙂

See you guys on Tuesday! – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “Despite all my rage i’m still just a rat in a cage… Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"”

  1. Anonymous February 17, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

    love this blog =) thanks for the credit =)

    -stef

    Like

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