Those are the choices you have in life, you could be Married and bored or Single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere. – Chris Rock

Happy Valentine’s day kids!

“i’ll give you “happy”!  You’re gonna start off your blog with the most ruthless and true Chris Rock quote ever about marriage on Valentines day?  That’s pretty jerk buddy!”

OK cause i’m the ahole.  i’m the one that said it’s a proven fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce.  That’s just “my” fact, i made the whole thing up!  But alright fine, i’ll admit there was none need to start off today with that quote, especially on this holiday of love (regardless of how true it is…) But did you notice i followed it up with an image from my favorite and most romantic Simpson’s episode ever?? Doesn’t that count for something?  Do all of you remember this one, the one where Ralph Wiggum falls in love with Lisa after she gives him this Valentine’s day card when she feels bad for him?  Even if you’ve never seen it (and if you haven’t you are BLOWING it in life) isn’t that the best Valentines day card ever?  The answer you are looking for is “YES”.

Anyways, i kinda hate Valentine’s day.  Although when i think about it, doesn’t everyone kinda hate Valentine’s day?  Even people in relationships hate Valentine’s day.  It’s way more of a hassle then it’s worth.  You are SO much better off going out to dinner the day before or after Valentine’s day.  Who wants to make a reservation 16 months in advance just to be at some over crowded, over priced restaurant where the service and food won’t be that great and the amount of aholes packed into one room suck out all the romance?  Not i.  Not me.  Not miguel.  

And what about flowers and candy?  i guess i don’t mind that part, i actually dig buying flowers for girls.  i mean yeah on their birthday and stuff like that but more so i like to get random “Thursday” flowers or the “meet you for lunch at work and surprise you with flowers then” kinda flowers.  The “obvious” flowers are definitely good and usually still appreciated but but random surprise flowers definitely increase your fellatio factor for that following evening.  It’s true, i’ve done studies.

But maybe the real reason this holiday heats me up is because on Valentine’s day everything is so FORCED, which to me is always a big turn off.  i feel like flowers or a gift has so much more of an impact when it’s unexpected, so just the fact that everyone is expecting stuff on that day it’s not as special.  And when i say everyone i mean women, cause let’s be honest guys don’t expect jack $hit.  Trust me ladies, we appreciate it but there is definitely no need to get us anything and if you do you are just wasting money.  Seriously, you’re the girl. Just get your flowers and candy and say thank you.  We really don’t want anything so just enjoy what we get you and for real don’t waste money on us.  It’s moronic.  

But let’s also not forget those people who don’t have a Valentine on this horrible day, the single people.  Some people are so lonely and depressed that they don’t have anyone on Valentine’s day that they dont’ even realize how happy they should be to enjoy the feeling of not having to waste all their money on flowers and roses and dinners or God forbid jewelery.  These pitiful fools sit at home by themselves, listening to love songs as they go through old pictures of their ex before getting in the bath tub with a razor blade wondering if they should release their pain through the veins in their arms, but instead they chicken out and end up crying and masturbating in the shower till the hot water runs out and their roommate keeps knocking on the door to see when i’m getting out when i clearly said i would be awhile!  

What the F am i even talking about???  i’m just trying to say Happy Valentines Day to you my friends.  This holiday is mad gay but there’s usually a decent amount of chocolate around the office so that’s a bonus at least. Plus it’s not so bad to hang out with the significant other once in awhile, even if it is forced.  And who knows, maybe your girl would be down to do something cool, like order pizza and watch an Arrested Development marathon. Alright fine no one is that cool but how about ordering Italian and watching a romantic movie like “Before Sunrise” or “True Romance”? Those are about the most romantic movies i have ever seen by the way, the Notebook is silly nonsense compared to those two films.  

But yeah whether your date tonight is with your bf or gf or whether it’s with a bottle of  sleeping pills and vodka i hope you all have a great day.  And if you aren’t lucky enough to be with someone today never forget that the majority of people in relationships hate this holiday too, so if you are miserable today at least you are in good company! 🙂

RANDOM NONSENSE

-It is Valentine’s day, so i’m sure a bunch of guys out there bought their women some sexy lingerie.  But there was something about girls underwear that i always found funny, and it’s the fact that some girls get SO nervous if you see them in it.  i’m not talking about that sexy g-string, thigh high gown with the see through top, obviously it’d be a little embarrassing to be caught wearing that by Ron in the next cubicle over from you.  i’m saying in general, if a girl was in her bra and underwear and a guy walked in on her she’s be like “OMG get out of here!” and it’d be a big scene and just awkward for everyone involved.  However, if you saw the same girl on a beach and she was wearing a two piece bikini she’s just be like “Oh hi guy, nice weather we’re having on the beach!” And the guy would go “Sure is, enjoy your lovely day!  i might get some ice cream!”  Alright fine the dialogue would probably be better then that but my point is she wouldn’t care at all if he saw her wearing that because it is perfectly acceptable to talk to the man in a 2 piece bikini on the beach.  So basically my question is, if i see you in a bra and panties and/or i see you in a bikini,  ‘WHAT’S THE F’N DIFFERENCE?!?!?”  And i’ll answer this for you, there is no gddamn difference. And whatever, i could care less.  If girls are gonna be uptight about being in a bra and panties around me but are down to wear bikini’s i’m not gonna complain.  So yeah hooray for bikini’s!  They are the money.  

-i feel like the driving age and the legal age of consent for sex should be the same age.  All of you can debate what that age is, so feel free to do so. Personally i have my own opinion on what the legal age should be but we can put that part of the law up to debate for now.  But my point is, if a girl can legally drive to my house to feel my Hispanic Hammer then i feel like i should be legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with her.  How does this not already make sense to everybody?  If anything i think the driving age should be older then the age of consent.  For real you don’t have to be that responsible to have sex, it’s just a P in the V for crying out loud.  It happens all the time and it’s happened since the beginning of time so it can’t be that big of a deal.  And between contraception and my pattened move of pulling out i feel like i’m plenty responsible in the bedroom.  But anyways who cares, how responsible people are in the bedroom doesn’t affect me at all.  Your dumb ass out on the roads behind the wheel of a large vehicle however, that on the other hand is a big responsibility.  And all i’m saying is that if you can handle the responsibility of driving a car then you should be able to handle my big beefy burrito.  Or at least try to…

The Money $hot-out of the Week- Speaking of statutory rape, congrats to 19 year old Kate Upton for getting the cover of the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue!  i’ve been following this girl’s career for years and it just makes me so proud to see her life blossoming the way it has.  And by proud i mean horny, and by blossoming i mean i want to put my P in her V, as well as her M and A and possibly her E.  Anyways, this breath of perfection will be gracing the magazine soon enough, but they just released the pic for the cover and i felt that i needed to share it with all of you ASAP. And i mean share it with all of you, both guys and the gals.  Because let’s be honest ladies, you know if you HAD to have a gay experience you’d do it with Kate Upton in a heartbeat!  And who are we kidding, you went gay that one time in college and that girl wasn’t nearly as hot as her!  Although after that night you could never look at her the same way again, i mean you did it as a joke but there’s no way she didn’t feel that right?  Even if it was for just a quick moment that connection had to mean something to her too, didn’t it?  But yeah Kate gets the shout out of the week and God Bless her for that.

Fast food tips –Nothing says “i love you” more then a romantic dinner on Valentine’s day.  And nothing says you are a smart man more then saving money.  So why not kill two birds with one stone and go to Qdoba for your V-day feast!  And as a special bonus, if you share a kiss with your girlfriend, wife, mistress, or anyone in the store for that matter you get your second entree free!  So if kissing a strange sweaty Mexican bus boy in order to get a free Burrito isn’t as romantic as watching the “Notebook” i don’t what is!  Although if you have a romantic night planned i wouldn’t suggest eating Mexican food unless you want to spend most of the night on the bowl in agony.

Fast food tips- Since it’s Valentine’s day and i love you all so much you get an extra fast food tip for today.  And it’s a good one because it’s free ice cream!  That’s right, if you go to Ben and Jerry’s today from 5 to 8 pm you get a free sample of Stephen Colbert’s “Americone Dream” ice cream!  i’d call first just to make sure your particular store is participating but between a free entree at Qdoba and free ice cream for dessert i just gave you ideas for the most romantic and cost effective Valentine’s day ever!

Fast food tips- You’ve got to be $HITTING me, you have another Fast Food tip for us today????  Not only that, it is one to make sure the one you’re with will stay in love with you forever.  What if i told you that there is one restaurant where you can still make reservations for today?  A place where devoted couples can enjoy a romantic candlelit dinner that is easy on the wallet and is complete with special menus, table side service and themed decorations.  And if that’s not enough you get a free dessert just for making a reservation!  Sound too good to be true? Well i’m here to tell you that this dream is actually a reality. That’s right my friends, you can set up your romantic Valentine’s day dinner at White Castle right now!  During the “event,” WC is launching it’s new dessert: fudge-dipped cheesecake on a stick.  And if that’s not enough, each reservation receives a complimentary digital photo available through the White Castle website, so everyone you know can see how you spent your Valentine’s Day!  Nothing says love like White Castle, and nothing says love like a woman who is down to go there for dinner and spend the rest of the night with their cheeks pressed down on cold porcelain.  Make this Valentine’s day one to remember, go to White Castle!

Holy S that was a fantatic blog!  If this holiday taught me nothing else it’s that i sure do love talking about love.  Whether it be the love of a young swimsuit model or the love of free food i am totally feeling it today.  So i hope all of you have a fantastic holiday and i’ll see you kids Friday! 

-miguel jo$é