Parade or fireworks, which do you go to? Fireworks! I dont even have joke for the moron that yells, "parade!" – Daniel Tosh

7 Feb


What is up kids?

It’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends.  i’m sitting here on my second day off in a row, writing blog #100 as i get ready to go to the New York Giants Superbowl celebration at the stadium.  i was going to go the parade too but it sounds like a disaster trying to get into the city and who knows if i’ll get a good view and blah blah blah it’s just easier to go to Metlife and celebrate there.

But holy f’n $hitballs kids!  100 gddamn blogs!  Who thought i would get here?  i’ll tell you who, literally no one.  Including myself!  i thought when i hit blog 50 i’d be making my farewell speech.  i mean for real,  i get fired up to start things all the time.  But actually stick with it? That’s a whole other story.  Procrastination and laziness is a BITCH my friends.  For those of us not lucky enough to hit the genetic lottery and be given a strong work ethic and drive to get things done, doing stuff can sure suck ass sometimes.  And it’s not even that, it’s so much easier to just do NOTHING.

i mean think about it, i could clean my room or do laundry or do those dishes or make breakfast or start working on my taxes or go running for my first time in forever or go to the store to pick up that stuff i need, etc.  OR… i could stay in my bed, crack open a beer, smoke a big fat bizowl and watch t.v. all day and night.  Is it really that hard to see why some of us love doing nothing so much?

 To some of you it is that hard.  Some of you just cannot f’n sit still.  You need to wake up early because “i don’t want to waste the day away!”  You’re out and about (or oot and aboot as they say in Canada) by 9 am, at the Supermarket and the mall and back by 11 am to throw that second load of laundry in the wash.  Then as you hit the gym and stop at the pharmacy to pick up your medicine on the way back, you’re wondering if you have time to stop at H and R block and get your taxes done before you start dinner and pick out your outfit for tomorrow.  All the while i’m sitting on the couch in my own disgusting filth, wondering if i should shower today and wondering how many days in a row have i had on these boxers?  If i’m going by the smell i’m gonna say 4, 4 days in a row.

But i’ve accepted that’s just how i’m built kids.  Sure once in awhile i get some stuff done, but overall i’m just a gddamn lazy motherf*cker.  Sure i’m not accomplishing as much as i am in life as i should but i gurandamntee i’m having more fun then 90% of you out there!  Or maybe i’m not but i don’t care.  My life is the money, and the Giants winning the Superbowl is just the gdamn cherry on top of the Rocky Road Sundae that is my existence.  i love my family, i love my friends, and i f’n love this gddamn blog.

i’m not going to put too much thought into why a lot of you still read this thing but i will say i’m glad you are all still here.  And i think i’ve provided a decent amount of free entertainment from my dome, after 100 blogs there are easily tens of jokes that must have made you chuckle at least just a little bit.  And that’s all i’ve ever wanted to do in life is make people laugh.  It’s my favorite thing ever, and it has been as long as i’ve been alive.  i truly did and do want to be a stand up comic, and if i ever do stop procrastinating maybe i will get to it.  But this blog has helped me at least get some of my comedy out there, and that is an amazing thing to me.  My plan now is to start doing stand up again and luckily i can steal a bunch of material from my own blog which is nice.  But this blog was my first step to at least prove to myself how much i do still love comedy, and i truly appreciate all of you who took this step with me.

“Wow, 100 blogs later and you still have an oversensitive sappy sweaty Vagina!  Glad to see things don’t change!”  Yeah yeah i’m big sensitive pu$$y.  Eat me.  And you’re right i don’t change, do you think there was any chance i wouldn’t do a shot of Everclear when the Giants won the Superbowl?? Of course i did one, and of course i threw up immediately and of course i couldn’t give less of a f*ck.

But life is too short to focus on negative things and things that aren’t important.  What is important is that i truly love this blog and i’m gonna keep doing it as long as i can.  100 blogs is the money feat my friends, i won’t always say this but today i will admit i’m pretty gddamn proud of myself.  i started something and i stuck with it, and i have no intentions of slowing down yet.  So today enjoy some of this “Oldschool Nonsense” from the past but don’t think for one second i won’t have a brand new blog this Friday with all new versions of the same old jokes!  And honestly, thank you reading my friends, you kids truly are the money! 🙂

Although before we start with the Oldschool stuff i do have a follow up to last week’s Fast Food Tips…

Fast food tips- Did you fools go and register on Papa john’s Website like i told you to for the Superbowl?  You didn’t? Well way to blow it you silly goose!  If you listened to me you would have won a free large 1 topping pizza and a 2 liter for doing nothing!  “Wow, i really wish i did what you told me and won a free pizza.  Why would i ever doubt you when you’re so money?”  i don’t know kids, i just don’t know.  i’ll think about it when i’m eating my free pizza bitches!

And a look back at some of my favorite nonsense, man am i hilarious!


 -Speaking of parties, do smokers realize the butts they throw all over the ground don’t disappear?  It’s bad enough you’re a dirty filthy scumbag smoker, but in addition to that you need to throw your disgusting butts in my yard when you’re done?  That’s awesome, there’s only empty beer cans and bottles everywhere.  Please don’t put them there, i’d much rather the fun of going through my grass picking up your sweaty repulsive butts you kindly left all over the place.  Way to go dirtbags.

-Hey girls who are always cold in my office building… DRESS WARMER!  “But i need my little tank tops and need to wear sandals and then i need to complain how cold it is so they have to turn the heat up to 95 degrees so people have to try and do their job in uncomfortable sweltering heat!”  Yeah, i know you need to do that.  But f”n quit it already.  Don’t you realize if you’re cold you can dress warmer, but if it’s hot there is nothing i can do about it?  No, of course you don’t realize it.  Because everything revolves around you and you’d rather wear spaghetti straps and complain instead of just dressing warmer like a normal person.  You really are the worst, just put on a f*cking sweater and just shut up already.

-When i’m dating a girl, i find her so much hotter when her father hates me.  i mean first of all, i’m used to it.  Being a Mexican/Dominican guy who lives in Bergen County NJ i tend to date a lot of white girls.  And being that most white girls have white fathers, they usually don’t like me off the bat because they are ignorant racist aholes.  They hear the name “miguel” and immediately they hear mariachi’s and wonder if i’m hear illegally and/or work at Taco Bell.  They can’t grasp the fact that i love Pearl Jam and don’t speak Spanish and my favorite TV show ever was LOST, all they hear is a Hispanic name and see the brown skin and immediately they are filled with hatred for me.  But anyways, that hatred and ignorance towards me is a real turn on when i’m banging your daughter so please keep it up.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i would find the sex hot either way.  But the fact that i know she is shaming her parents, and knowing how furious her dad would be to know my big brown penis is in her holiest of holys just makes everything that much better.

-i never answer my phone.  Besides the fact that my ringer is always off at work and then i always forget to turn it back on when i get out i just never answer it.  EVER.  i only text, and if you’re friends with me you probably already know this.  “Oh you’re one of those jerks?” That’s right Alex, even though you now live in Florida the rules have not changed.  Either text me whatever you want to tell me or leave a message that i will never return, or if i do i will return it by texting.  If you can’t tell me what you want over a text then there is NO way i could handle how awful that long conversation will be on the phone.  Sure this may be kinda a jerk move, but whatever at least i’m dead honest about it.  And to be fair i will also never call you, although if you do see a phone call coming from me you should probably pick up because it’s an emergency!  But if you don’t pick up i understand.

-Hey super skinny guys with a high metabolism… go f yourself.  “Whoo hoo i’m a guy but i can eat whatever i want whenever i want and i’ll still stay built like an 8 year old girl!”  And yes that’s almost kind of hot but honestly us real men hate you.  And they are always so judgmental, like when then see people eat garbage food they always shake their head in disgust.  Listen you skinny f*ck, you won the genetic lottery as far as metabolism goes.  If i had to choose between that or being fantastic in bed like i am i’d rather keep this spare tire around my waste and make sure my lady goes to sleep satisfied every night.  You enjoy your skinny jeans and looking good in a t-shirt at all times and i’ll stick to love making and other things i’m good at.

-To all couples who sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant when it is only the two of you… f’n grow up already!  “Whoo hoo we’re so in love!  We need to sit next to each other when we’re out because that shows how much in love we are with each other!!!”  No it doesn’t.  It’s immature insecure garbage and you look like aholes.  And this is obviously the girls idea because no guy would ever suggest that.  Alright fine, some guys would but only guys that are complete pu$$ys that will do whatever lame ass bull$hit their girlfriend suggests.  But for us hetero guys, sitting right next to your girl when it is just the two of you is straight up awfulness.  Not to mention impractical because it’s a million times easier to talk so someone when you can look right across at them!  i don’t know if i personally know of any couples that submit to this horrific trend, but if i do please let me know so i can make sure to ignore you both forever.  When i see couples that do this i don’t want them to die but i do hope they get food poisoning and end up on the bowl for hours.  Hey, maybe you can find a bathroom with two toilet bowls right next to each other so you can hold hands while you deuce yourself to no end… now THAT is love!

-Why do parents insist on having “1st birthday” parties for their kids?  Am i missing something? There is no WAY any of these little crying pooping disasters are gonna remember their first birthday.  Hell, i don’t remember what i did for my last birthday and that was only a month ago!  These kids won’t remember anything and these parties are always boring as f*ck, it’s basically a get together for mom’s and their other kids because let’s face it their social life is now over and these kinds of get togethers are all they have to look forward to in life.  And they always throw these parties on the WORST days.  “The party is this Friday night make sure you come by!”  Um i’m pretty sure Yankee playoffs start tonight so good luck with that one.  “Come by Sunday at 1 o’clock!” Oh thanks, i bought the Sunday ticket for a reason and apparently that reason was so that i have the ability to watch all the football games but can’t do it because i’m eating awful birthday cake off a stupid Elmo plate.  i honestly feel that all parents know their life is over and they feel the need to ruin everyone else’s life as well.  Don’t drag me down with you because of your poor decisions mom and dad, you wanted a kid and all the joy of never enjoying yourself or going out or partying anymore so have fun with that!
-Women think guys get prostitutes to pay for sex, but i’m here to tell you that isn’t the real reason.  There are plenty of disgusting ho bags guys could bang for free if they really wanted to.  What men pay for when they pay for sex is the convenience of not having to deal with a women’s bull$hit afterwards.  None cuddling, none talking about their feelings or where this relationship is going, and definitely none sharing of the bed.  As far as i’m concerned the sex is free, guys just hand over the money at the end to be like “now get out”! 

100 blogs in the books, i’ll say it again kids i’m feeling pretty proud of myself at the moment.  On blog 50 i tried to personally thank everyone that kept me going but for this one i’m just gonna thank myself for being the money.  i don’t normally play that card but but today i feel different, today i have accomplished something.  Today i will let  myself enjoy it and today i want to thank all of you again for being the money fans.  But tomorrow it’s time to step it up, whether it be my blog or finally doing stand up or just life in general.  Tomorrow it all starts but i will see the rest of you this Friday on blog 101! !!

– miguel jo$e

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