Honey check it out you got me mesmerized, with your black hair and your fat ass thighs. Street poetry is my every day, but yo, i gotta stop when you trot my way. If i was working at the club you would not pay, and yo, my man phife dig it he got something to say… – Q-Tip "Electric Relaxation

27 Jan

i like em brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian.  Name is miguel from the Zulu nation…

What is up kids?

Little Tribe Called Quest to start the blog off today.  That’s for my boy Jay John who’s birthday was yesterday.  Happy birthday ya old basterd!

But yeah just like my mom this blog is gonna be short and sweet today, i’m mad busy at work and don’t have as much time as i’d like to focus on the ha ha’s.

Although i did have a funny conversation this week that i figured i’d share with you, if only to get me through my rant.  i work at a place that has a bunch of moms.  Young moms, old moms, hot moms, you name it.  And if you are thinking that must be straight hell for me considering how into younger chicks i am then you are correct in your assumption, it is literally a nightmare.  Someone’s always out on maternity or just getting pregnant or calling out cause their kids are sick or showing me pictures i could care less about and God i want to punch myself just for bringing anything up.  You had a child, get over it.  It’s not special, everyone does it.  Except those of us who enjoy sleep and having fun and having no responsibilities.

Anyways, one of my friends has a son who’s getting a tad older now and by that i mean he’s finally discovered his penis. This little guy just grabs away at this thing all the time, and when it does that crazy thing and gets “hard” every once in awhile he just has to show his mom and go “look what i’m doing!”  And i’m obviously not going to be a parent anytime soon (not because i’m not married, but because i am 100% at pulling out on time) but i did think it must be a funny thing when your son gets old enough to start noticing erections and stuff.  That’s a major life discovery for a little boy, one that alters your perception of life forever. 

i actually remember the first time i started popping boners, or at least talked about them with anyone else.  There was a park across the street from where i grew up and it was just a big field that had a see saw and a swing and some other kid nonsense.  Anyway one day my friend slid down the pole of the swing and he was like “Holy S, you have to try this, it feels crazy!”  and i was like alright and i did it and the kid was right, it definitely felt different when i rubbed my junk down that pole.  And not just different, but good.  i didn’t get what was happening and there were no adults around so we just called it the “dicking” feeling.  And we’d laugh and go this is so much fun, i love the “dicking” feeling! 

“OMG is this real?  How old were you when you did this, 25?  Did you and your friends make out afterwards or try to give that “dicking” feeling to each other instead of using the pole?  Is this why you’re gay?  OMG you’re gay!”

Did you get all of that out of your system?  i’m trying to tell you an honest story of one of the few memories i have about growing up and you’re going to turn this into some immature gay joke show.  Honestly, grow up everyone.  It really makes me not want to share things when you turn it into nothing but gay and penis jokes.  i mean seriously.

So yeah basically the point of this is i’d much rather have a little girl then a little boy when i do have kids.  Because when miguel jr starts bringing his little brown pencil around me and goes “hey daddy look at this!” and i have to explain to him not to do that and how stuff happens and give those kinds of speeches i am not going to do a good job and my kid will probably grow up all messed up.  At least with a little girl, once she comes to me and goes “Daddy i’m bleeding!”  i know that all i have to do is go “Well go tell you mother!”  and my job is done.  Raising little girls must be the easiest thing in the world, you never have to explain to her the “dicking” feeling.  Or i will have to explain it and it will be the most awkward conversation ever…

That’s about enough of that don’t you think?  On to the nonsense!


-The best thing about white people is the Cracker Barrel.  Holy S BALLS that is the best restaurant ever!  There aren’t any that close to me, which is a good thing because i would literally go there every day and eat my weight in pancakes and bacon.  For anyone that loves breakfast this is by far the best place to go.  And don’t even tell me IHOP, IHOP is straight ghetto compared to Cracker Barrel.  The IHOP 5 star breakfast is what the Cracker Barrel serves as their “Seniors with heart trouble” special.  Their version of the “lumberjack” breakfast at Cracker Barrel can literally only be finished by an actual lumberjack.  And have you tried their biscuits with gravy? boooooWHIP! They make me fill my own pants with biscuits and gravy!  But yeah anyways i feel like i bash white people a lot and deservedly so, but it would only be fair to let you know when you honkeys do something good.  So well played crackers!  Your breakfast place is delicious!

-i don’t watch NCIS, mostly because i’m not a dad.  Apparently if you are a father, NCIS is just the best show ever.  But i will admit i got sucked into a marathon of it recently.  It’s so hard not too!  i dare any of you to watch the first 5 minutes of an episode, any episode.  After five minutes you’re like “Oh i wonder what happens!” and then the next thing you know it’s an hour later and it ends and you catch the first 5 minutes of an episode, any episode, and after five minutes…   So yeah it’s a pretty good show, definitely not the best ever but it’s pretty smart and funny and you should watch it i guess and GDDAMN I LOVE NCIS ITS THE BEST SHOW EVER!!  No it’s not but it’s good.

-Do you kinda hate it when you’re hanging out with a bunch of people, and everyone starts buying shots and you’re doing them and it’s cool and fun.  But everyone starts buying them and eventually you kinda feel like it’s your turn, but in your head you’re like “Jesus Christmas i don’t have enough money to buy everyone shots! That’s why i’ve been milking this beer for the last hour! Do you realize how expensive 5 gddamn shots are?  That’s more then i wanted to spend all night!”  And your only choices are to either buy the shots and just take that $35 overdraft fee but be the hero, or you can just put on your jacket and get the F out of there.  So basically the point of this story is that is why i left early the other night Duffy, i’m a broke basterd.  Go F yourself!

-So did my earlier bit convince any of you to go to Cracker Barrel?  i don’t feel like it did, and that’s a shame because they sincerely have the sickest breakfast food ever. i called it the “lumberjack” earlier but it’s really called the “The Cracker Barrel Country Boy” Breakfast meal.  This delicious monstrosity has: Country Ham, Pork Chops or Steak grilled to order, Three eggs, cooked to order served with Fried Apples, Hash brown Casserole, Grits, Sawmill Gravy and Homemade Buttermilk Biscuits along with real butter and the best Preserves, Jam n’ Apple Butter available.  And everything they serve is HUGE, from the bacon to their delicious biscuits that are so good i create my own homemade buttermilk in my shorts.  “Enough already, you’re ruining it!”  i know, i have a bad habit of that.  i’ll try to save this bit with a picture of their breakfast…

Fast food tips-Speaking of the opposite of delicious food, i hear McDonalds just introduced their new “Chicken McBites”, which they describe as “poppable pieces of premium chicken breast seasoned to homestyle perfection. Tiny in size, huge in taste, they’ll bring a little joy to your day.”  That was McDonalds review, but i feel a more apt review is the one from the birthday boy Jay John himself who told me yesterday, “So i tried the Chicken McBites, i figured they would be a tastier chicken mcnugget but all i could think of when i ate it was “why?” They are absolute garbage, don’t waste your time.”  So you can not listen to Jay John and buy them and then realize you are a moron, or you could just not even bother with this awfulness.  i am going to do the latter.

That’s it for me kids, Holy S balls i’m getting close to 100 blogs!  But yeah i hope everyone has a good weekend, and try to get some people to “like” my page on Facebook.  Everyone likes every other dumbass thing on Facebook so like my $hit too please!  i appreciate it 🙂
cya Tuesday,  miguel jo$é

2 Responses to “Honey check it out you got me mesmerized, with your black hair and your fat ass thighs. Street poetry is my every day, but yo, i gotta stop when you trot my way. If i was working at the club you would not pay, and yo, my man phife dig it he got something to say… – Q-Tip "Electric Relaxation”

  1. Anonymous January 27, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    I always get the country boy breakfast but I tell them to give me a chicken fried steak with it. It's not on the menu but they do it gladly. -Jazz


  2. Anonymous January 28, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

    road trip to cracker barrel???????????????????????? penelope


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