Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. – Mitch Hedberg

24 Jan

What is up kids?

Holy S balls the Giants are going to the Superbowl!!!!  Alright i had to get that out before anything else since that is easily the most important thing going on in the world at the moment.  And not just my world, i mean this should literally be the most important thing in all of your lives right now.  That and my blog.  But since my blog has slightly less viewers then the Superbowl you should definitely be focused on this huge game!

“OMG another sports blog?  Why don’t you just keep those for the articles you write at work?  Oh wait you can’t because apparently you are too offensive…”  Alright inside joke guy, relax over there.  No one even knows what you’re talking about except for the 5 people who do.  But yeah i know i can’t just write about sports on this blog because most of you ladies tune out immediately.  It’s just hard not to talk about them when THE GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright for real, that’s it.  There are other things to talk about aren’t there?  How about that Republican debate last night? i thought Romney came out really fired up even though Newt didn’t want to take the bait and get into a verbal war with him.  i really feel that for the GOP to have a chance they really need to ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

O.K. no politics talk, got it.  How about George Lucas releasing Star Wars Episode 1 in 3-D?  i know it’s not the best movie but i really feel that with the digital enhancing combined with the amazing 3-D technology they have now that the Sci-Fi community might finally embrace the genius that was Episode 1 because of ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Alright i’m really losing you today.  No sports, politics, or Sci-Fi.  Got it.  So i finally played Call of Duty Modern Warfare for Playstation 3.  Holy S those graphics and the game play are amazing!  Although i do find that in co-op mode that when you’re playing people online the voice activated featured is way more annoying then it should be, but that’s probably because players that aren’t as skilled as myself keep…  “For real, i’m not even falling asleep anymore now i’m just pissed.  Stop writing about this dorky garbage and get to the Random Nonsense already because you are obviously stalling since you had no other rant planned for today!”  

Alright fine that’s all true.  But at least i learned that i can never talk about sports, politics, science fiction or video games on my blog.  See, i’m learning too kids, and it’s only by learning that i can ever expect to become a better person and grow as an individual because as life passes us by we can all only hope that “ENOUGH ALREADY MAKE ME LAUGH ALREADY MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!!!!”  Alright fine.


-i hate when i go into someone’s house and they make me take my shoes off.  Not because my feet smell or my socks have holes in them or anything, just because i’d rather not take my gddamn shoes off.  Maybe i’m crazy but i put them on when i’m walking around, so if i’m at your house i’d like to keep my shoes on please.  And what are we, some outdoor tribe in a jungle?  Do i need a big hoop earring through my nose and one of those slinky’s on my neck as we roast a pig on a fire? i’m pretty sure most of the civilized world wears shoes so you might want to get on board with the idea.  It’s okay if you offer me to take my shoes off but it shouldn’t be a gddamn requirement.  If you’re that worried about your gddamn rug you should probably get one people can walk on.  Don’t blame me because your silly wife likes white carpet.  Yeah yeah i get that if it’s super muddy or awful out that you might make me do it.  But taking off my shoes just for sake is annoying as $hit and will stop me from coming to your house.  You have a carpet so gddamn  use it already.  And to be honest your carpet is a piece of $hit anyway and those colors are awful.   So basically what i’m saying is i don’t care that you just cleaned the house Ma let me keep my stupid shoes on!

-Once again i think i used this idea before but no one notices or cares and this idea is pissing me off today so here goes.  Can Deli’s and sandwich places in general cut my sandwiches ALL the way in half please?  Am i missing something?  For some reason if you work in a sandwich shop you can only cut 90% of the way through the sandwich which means i always have to tear off one of the halves.  Which then leads to meat and cheese and lettuce falling everywhere and this wouldn’t happen if you could just cut that f*cker properly.  And it’s not like there is that one place by me who is the only one who does this, EVERY PLACE EVERYWHERE CANNOT CUT A F’N SANDWICH.   i wouldn’t even care if they charged more for it.  Like, “Italian hero, 8 bucks.  Properly cut, $8.50”.  i’d be first in line saying i’d like one properly cut Italian combo please!  And then when they still didn’t cut it in half i’d be REALLY f’n pissed off.  And it’s not like they don’t try to cut it at all, they use a knife and do try to cut it, they just won’t do it all the way and i hate that.  Does ANYONE know what the F i’m talking about?  No??  i need to write a new blog….

-i feel like as a teacher your best bet to make any real money is to be a tutor.  First of all, instead of an entire classroom of screaming little moron’s you’d only have one ahole to deal with, and you may luck out and the kid will actually be cool.  But you usually only get the little f*cker for an hour or so, and you normally get paid cash which is even better.  So being a tutor is basically like making tips as a teacher.  And if you’re a teacher in NJ you need all the help you can get since Governor Christie f’n hates you guys.  See how i slipped politics in there?  i am one sneaky basterd.  “Of course you are, isn’t that how you snuck into the country?” First of all, i swam here.  Secondly go f yourself you racist! 

Fast food tips- Are you like me?  Do you take horrific dumps at work, ones so bad that you try to blame them on the workers from another floor but you are still looking for ways to make them smell even worse?  Then your wait is over my friend, because White Castle now offers it’s new Angus Steak Chili!  Described as, “Lean, 100% Angus Beef braised with Southwestern seasonings and blended with red beans, ripe tomatoes, select peppers, onion and mild green chillies, eat it with a fork!”  It’s nice that the Castle has enough sense to tell you to eat it with a fork but they might as well tell you to save time and just eat it while on the toilet bowl to be honest.  It comes in a small, medium and Family size for those of you that want to punish the bowl together as a family.  And as an added bonus, if you “like” White Castle on Facebook and go to the “chili” tab, you can download a coupon for a free order of Chili on January 25th which is tomorrow.  And when you eat that deuce induced monstrosity and you are covered in sweat on the toilet bowl writhing in pain i hope you all think of me!

LATER DICKS! Well San Fran, you were a worthy opponent.  You had a great game plan, your defense is amazing, and it took us until Overtime before the Giants finally took you down.  That is why this week’s LATER DICKS! goes to New York Yankee Jorge Posada who is finally retiring!  He’s making it official today but let’s be honest, he should have retired after 2009 when they won their last championship and went out on top.  But instead he decided to hang around and cause the team nothing but controversy by not retiring gracefully when he should have.  Like most other Yankees he thinks it’s all about him and never thinks about the team first.  But now that he is gone me and the rest of the baseball world can finally say LATER DICKS! to Jorge!  Hip Hip….

Hahahahaha i had to piss off SOMEONE with that one.  Relax my pinstriped friends, i’m only kidding.  i like Jorgey for crying out loud, he was pretty money.  And i’m sure his retirement will be a classy affair and i know everyone will miss him.  i don’t hate the guy i just figured it’d be funny to set up my LATER DICKS!  like it was gonna be San Fran and then buttonhook you with the Posada angle.  But some of you are such Yankee fans that you won’t get it and you’ll just be mad at me and miss the humor so i’ll just shut it already.

Alright my friends that’s it for me today.  i think i’m like 5 blogs away from 100 but i’m too lazy to check.  What do you think, possible party for the 100th blog?  i’m thinking of doing it at the Shannon Rose in Ramsey since that seems to be the hot spot.  Is that where all the high school girls hang out?  If the answer is yes then i am in!  But yeah have a good week kids, cya Friday.  And to Stef who is stuck in Minnesota i hope your trip goes by quick cause we def miss you here in Jersey so get back here already 🙂 

– miguel jo$é


2 Responses to “Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. – Mitch Hedberg”

  1. Anonymous January 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    yes all of the HS girls including myself hang out at the shannon rose in ramsey. i just turned sixtween and have my hair in pigtails and am ready to introduce you to my other 16 year old highschool hot female friends



  2. Anonymous January 25, 2012 at 3:17 am #

    Ahhh so happy you mentioned me in your blog. That was totally unexpected and definitely made me smile.

    And I never get my sandwiches cut because of that exact reason. It used to piss me off so bad, so now I ask them not to cut it. Thought I was the only person who was annoyed by that.

    Stef 🙂


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