Its the, N-O, T-O, R-I, O. U-S, you just lay down slow. Recognize a real Don when you see Juan. Sippin on booze in the House of Blues… Notorious BIG

20 Jan

i’m going going, back back to Cali Cali!

What is up kids!

Big game this Sunday!  That win against the Packers last weekend was the MONEY but that thrill is gone and i am looking for more.  Starting this Sunday against the 49er’s!  i feel real good about the Giants chances but i know this will be a battle and i know this rivalry is a big one so hopefully we can do it and let’s f’n go Big Blue!

Speaking of the Giants win, did i tell you kids that after the Giants won i did a shot of Everclear?  Do all of you know what that is?  Some of you may remember it from high school but basically it is 190 proof of the most awful tasting stuff on the planet.  Before the Giants game even started we said “If the Giants win we are doing a shot of Everclear!”  And at the time it sounded like a good idea.  Well a bad idea but a bad idea that i wouldn’t care about if the Giants won.  But the Giants did win, and after doing a power hour before the game and nonstop beers and vodka clubs throughout i was definitley in the bag by the time the G-men beat the Pack and did my shot.

And i say “shot” like it was an actual liquid that i did a shot of.  i’ve done all sorts of shots from whiskey to cuervo to 151, you name it.  All of them really bad and almost all of them made me throw up eventually.  But holy f’n S balls…  Everclear tastes like fire and pain, and it’s even worse then the band Everclear.   It is literally pure rubbing alcohol, and it hurts and it burns and it destroyed my insides to no end.  i was able to hold it in until i went upstairs and got outside but otherwise i threw up IMMEDIATELY.  And after both going down and coming up i’m pretty postive i burned a hole in my chest which was only soothed by drinking more alcohol after i threw my lungs up all over my yard.  Did you think i was gonna stop drinking because of that shot?  None chance kids, the Giants pulled off a huge win it was boot and rally time!

So the moral of this story is that if and when the Giants win on Sunday i will not be doing a shot of Everclear afterwards.  Nope, i’m not doing it.  And i know all my meathead friends are gonna start with the “pu$$y! you don’t even like the G-men!”  chants.  And normally i buckle to all peer pressure like a belt quicker then Dante.  But this time for real, go F yourselves everyone i don’t care.  Maybe it’s because i’m finally gaining some wisdom in my old age but i am in FULL refusal of that shot this time.  No f’n way, i still can literally feel the burning awfulness in my body and i don’t know if i will ever fully recover.  So i may do an awful shot when the Giants win but it will not, i repeat, it will NOT be Everclear.  Go G-men!


-There is NOTHING worse then getting stuck behind people in a car who still have the old fashioned “Blue” New Jersey license plate.  Do you ever see those still hanging around? They are mad oldschool, and if you do see one that means the person behind the wheel is 95 years old and will be driving anywhere from 10 to 25 miles under the speed limit.  C’mon grandma, your life is almost over!  You literally are counting down the hours of your life and you’re going to spend you last few seconds on this beautiful planet driving 4 miles an hour?  And i am ALWAYS behind these dinosaurs when i am late or in a rush.  And i don’t mean to be mean but for real either speed up or die already!  i gotta get to Bottle King before it closes!

-i’m pretty sure i’ve done this bit before but no one remembers or cares so here goes again…. does anyone else get shocked by EVERYTHING in the winter?  Jeebus f’n Shockballs every time i touch a door knob or my car door or even turn off my lamp in my room i light up like a gddamn Christmas tree.  i’ve f*cking had it!  It’s gddamn 2012, has anyone figured how i can stop ending up like that guy from the movie “Shocker” everytime i touch something?  Get on it scientists, i’ve given up on the flying cars but for once i’d like to close my car door without a shock making my entire right arm numb.  And for the love of Christ no one should have gotten that movie reference i just dropped even though the description was apt!

-So there’s a show called “Bayou Billionaires” on CMT now.  i saw this on a commercial for some unGodly reason.  Anyways if the south wanted to be anymore stereotypical they now have a show like the Beverly Hillbillies but a reality show.  There’s also “My Big Redneck Wedding” on CMT if you love  reality wedding shows but just wish they were about rednecks.  There are also guns you can use to shoot yourself if you’re into any of these shows.  i want to blow my brains out just for seeing the previews.  And the fact i know Tom Arnold has something to do with this.

Fast food tips- Are you a big fat disgusting f*ck who never excercises and eats fast food all the time but are looking for an even better way to be even more obnoxiously disgusting?  Well fear not kids, it’s Burger King to the rescue!  That’s right, in certain places in America some Burger King’s have started delivering burgers to people’s homes.  Finally!  So here’s the deal:  For a $2 delivery fee and in a radius of 10 miles and for a minimum order of $8-10 bucks (not counting drinks and they will not do breakfast), Burger King will bring the food to your home.  It may even be delivered by one of those kids from the Burger King kids club!  And to quote some article, “For those concerned about the quality of the food suffering during the delivery process, Burger King said it has developed new packaging technology, including thermal bags to keep food “hot and fresh.”  So enjoy a nice slow painful death my obese friends, your prayers have been answered.  And you thought 2012 wasn’t going to be your year…
And yes you can call me “Lingo” as long as you call Jay John, “Jazz”.  Who isn’t pictured but she’s the Asian girl who loves music and wears a beret, just like Jay John!  Can’t wait for you bday party next week Jazz!

“Facebook etiquette”- Hey people who think you will get a free Dunkin Donuts gift card if you “like” or “share” a status on Facebook, give it up already.  Do you really think these big companies will just give you 100 beans for this?  What company model would that work in?  They’ve already got most of America hooked on their drug, do you honestly think that they need to just give away hundreds of dollars for free on Facebook to get more customers?  You obviously do honestly think that or you wouldn’t post these stupid scams.  So grow up already everyone and stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs.  Although i still say i was right to believe the Peruvian prince who emailed me personally to say couldn’t get back to his country.  That donation i made three years ago was a lot but when he does get back and shares with me his fortune we will see who’s laughing then!

That’s it for me kids, i hope you are all as ready for the weekend as i am.  Plus i think i get to hang out with my little bro which is always the money surprise.  But have a great weekend, let’s go Giants and for the love of all that’s holy no more Everclear!  – miguel jo$é

One Response to “Its the, N-O, T-O, R-I, O. U-S, you just lay down slow. Recognize a real Don when you see Juan. Sippin on booze in the House of Blues… Notorious BIG”

  1. Tomas January 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    You coming home tonight


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