My doctor looks at me and goes "You should probably drop a couple of pounds there Brian" Thank you. Only your Doctor has cart blanche on insults. He just insults you for awhile and you pay him for the insults on the way out. -Brian Regan

11 Jan

What is up kids?

Blog two of tres this week… y’all ready for this?  Well i don’t give a flying F if you are or not cause here comes the funny!

So i decided to go to the doctor for once in my miserable life.  For no reason really, definitely nothing serious.  i just feel like i am do for a check-up considering i haven’t been to the Doctor since the first Bush was President.  And for someone that has the daily “habits” that i have i guess i should find out what kind of shape i’m in.  “i know what shape you’re in, round!”  Ah, the first burn of 2012.  It feels good to be honest.  “Hopefully it’ll feel as good as when that shady old doctor grabs your balleens and tells you to cough, we all know you’re looking forward to that part!”  See?  And now you’ve ruined it. Way to go deek.

But yeah how often are you supposed to see the doctor?  Once a year maybe?  For real i haven’t been in forever.  To put it in car terms, if you’re supposed to get your oil changed every 3000 miles i’m probably on mile 85,000.  i’m assuming my body must be filled with a black sludgy mess at this point, although that may be from that White Castle i had for dinner/breakfast…

And would it be proper etiquette to just tell the doc off the bat that i know i’m overweight?  Like if i just go, “hey guy, i know you wanna tell this fat yet still hot sweaty Mexican on your table that i need to lose some LB’s but let’s just say i already realize this and there’s no need to throw that at me.  i’m paying for a physical, not to be insulted by you!”

Alright so i wrote all of this before the actual appointment so i’ll finish this thriller now that the exam is over.  It wasn’t too bad, it was pretty much everything i thought a physical would be.  Chillen in a lonely room in my boxers and those shady robes that i don’t get how to wear.  It was a little awkward when i laid there gently on the table as i slowly pulled my boxers down so he could examine my nutsack for lumps.  He didn’t find any but i probably made the process even more awkward by being so hard…

Haha that is awful.  Not all of that was true, and by that i mean none of it was awkward.  But yeah my blood pressure was a little high and i’m waiting on the results of the blood work but overall i think i did aight.  Plus he did do the little tap to the knee with that hammer to test for reflexes like they do on T.V. and stuff and i definitely kicked my leg which i thought was pretty money.

But yeah the whole thing wasn’t too bad and i guess i passed all the tests. “Speaking of tests, after he grabbed your cojones i hope there wasn’t an Oral Exam!”  Actually there was, he put the tongue depressor in my mouth and made me say “AHHH” as he checked my glands and… Oh wait, hey grow up buddy!  But yeah that doctor’s appointment basically all i’ve gotten done so far in Dos Doce.  Well that and i’ve become more suicidal at my job.  Speaking of which…


-My job is an absolute nightmare.  i mean this time of year is super busy so it’s to be expected that it’s worse then usual.  But for some reason every year i want to believe it’s not going to be as bad as it ends up being.  But like that old saying goes, hope for the best and you can expect my job to make you want to buy a bottle of sleeping pills and vodka and take a nice eternal nap.  But for real, i feel like everyone wants to blame the government and Obama because the economy is down.  But has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe the people who are in charge of all these businesses are just not intelligent and they have no idea how to run them?  i mean honestly, how many of you work at job where you know the people in charge have no idea what work you ACTUALLY do?  These people know nothing about real life and only know the numbers they read on charts and reports.  If any of them would EVER take two seconds to actually ask the people that did all the work what the best way to do things was maybe all of these companies wouldn’t be going out of business.  But that won’t happen because people in power refuse to listen to people below them.  Way to go buddy, just enjoy all your control and do things your own way and your way only and never listen to anyone else for help or good ideas.  When your company goes out of business and you lose your job and all of your “power” maybe then you’ll realize how f’n dumb you are.  Or maybe not because you are a moron.

“Whoo hoo my job sucks and i’m complaining about it!  i’m just like everyone else on the planet!  Did the doctor happen to check your vagina on your check up? Maybe he could take the sand out of your vag so you can stop being so moody!”  Alright i get it, i’ll shut my trap about work.

-Do you all know that Geico commercial with that pig that goes “Weeeeeee! Weeeeeee!” the whole time?  Of course you do, you’re alive and own a T.V. so you must have seen it once or twice.  i guess the first time i saw it it almost made me laugh for like one second, but then the third and 100th time i saw it all i can think about is throwing that pig on the grill and cooking up some bacon.  i swear, commericals are either the WORST and they play them all the time till you want to kill yourself or a commerical will be kind of okay and then they play them all the time until they become the WORST and you want to kill yourself.  And also, would my insurance cost less if Geico didn’t spend all their money making gddamn commercials?  How about you relax with the caveman and the lizard and the pig and take off 40 beans from my bill every month?  Just sayin…

Fast food tips- For my money, nothing beats the creamed spinach side at Boston Market.  Holy S balls that is just a creamy slice of heaven.  Yeah the mac and cheese is no joke, i won’t front.  But whenever i get two sides i make em both creamed spinach i’ll tell you that much.  And as soon as i start eating that creamed spinach i start creaming my pants as well.  And the great thing about it is that it’s spinach so it’s healthy for you!  i mean besides all the cream cheese and salt they use to make it so delicious.  But yeah if you haven’t gotten it in a while or you have never tried it go hook it up today and thank me later.

-i think i get why most girls don’t watch porn.  i mean yeah i know some girls do but for the most part the majority of women don’t watch porn the way guys do.  And it’s not because girls aren’t into sex, and it’s definitely not because girls don’t have “dirty” minds.  Because for real we all know that when it comes right down to it you ladies have filthy disgusting minds and have no problems being complete whorebags for your man.  So i think the real reason girls don’t watch porn is because porn is a fantasy, and for something to be a fantasy it can’t happen in real life.  Like us guys have to fantasize about their young tight brunette science teacher keeping them after class and wanting to play with our test tubes.  And we have to fantasize about our hot blonde boss who keeps us after 5 so we can work “Overtime” in between their legs.  And us guys have to fantasize about that cute red head who works at Shoprite who takes us in the back to scan my groceries.  Alright that last description wasn’t hot but you get my point.  Anyways these are all “fantasies” that guys have, because it’s most likely never going to happen.  But if you’re a girl and you want to bang the pizza delivery guy you don’t have to fantasize about it, just tell the guy you wanna bang and he will be down.  And if you want to bang your teacher you just need to say “hey teach, bang me!’ and as long as he’s not hung up on statutory laws you’ll be all set.  So there is no fantasy for women, if they want it they can do it.  So basically what i’m saying is hey red head at Shoprite if you want me just tell me already!!!

Did you enjoy the extra ha ha’s for today?  You should these are bonus laughs since i blew it last week.  The final part of the triology will be this Friday so get ready for one hell of a finale!  And by that i mean the same old normal Friday blogs i always do.  You’re welcome!

Cya this Friday…  miguel jo$é


One Response to “My doctor looks at me and goes "You should probably drop a couple of pounds there Brian" Thank you. Only your Doctor has cart blanche on insults. He just insults you for awhile and you pay him for the insults on the way out. -Brian Regan”

  1. Anonymous January 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

    IVE ACTUALLY SEEN THAT COMMERCIAL!!! aren't you proud???????

    -Penelope 🙂


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