Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. – Benjamin Franklin

30 Dec

What is up kids?

It’s almost 2012 so you know what that means.  It means it’s time to say LATER DICKS! to 2011!

LATER DICKS!– So 2011 was pretty rough, let’s be honest.  But i wouldn’t say it was the worst year ever.  People will say that EVERY year.  “OMG it was the worst year ever!” Well, if you’re alive to be saying that you got that going for you at least.  i’m sure Amy Winehouse or Ryan Dunn wish they were around to say that now.  Stop being so negative everyone!  If you are unhappy or a negative person in general you have lost the game of life my friend.

So yeah you should be able to look back at your life and pick out the decent years.  Last year was rough for me but i wouldn’t say roughest ever by far so i gots that going for me.  Plus i started this blog which is now at number 90! Jeebus Christmas kids that is a lot of f’n bull$hit dropping from my dome i’ll tell you that much.  “i noticed you didn’t say “funny” bull$hit ahole!”  Well played jerkface, i sure hope you’re nicer to me in Dos Doce.

Do you dig that?  Dos Doce?  Patent Pending!

So yeah i pretty much hate new years eve, but i do dig making new years resolutions.  i like the idea of being able to start fresh and get my act together.  i gave up fast food and bagels for an entire year once, and new years day was actually the year i quit smoking years ago!  Well cigarettes anyways.  So i do have a whole bunch of resolutions lined up for the new year but unlike most people i actually plan on following them.  Do any of you kids bother with New Years resolutions?  Probably not but you should.  Ain’t nothing wrong with trying to better yourself.  Plus the new year starts on a Sunday so it is the PERFECT chance to start new!  It’s like how you never want to start a diet on like a Tuesday, i always like to start fresh on a Sunday.  Alright fine i start on Monday and let myself pig out all weekend.  Lay off me i’m starving!

So this is my last blog of 2011.  i hope everyone enjoyed reading it this year as much i loved writing it.  And if not i promise i will do better next year!*

RANDOM NONSENSE

-New Years Eve is like the prom of holidays to me.  There’s all this build up and you get all fired up like it’s gonna be a big deal but then it always ends up sucking ass.  “Whoo hoo i’m at the same dive bar i always go to  but i paid a $100 cover for a 3 hour open bar but it’s impossible to get drinks here and there’s nothing but dudes and girls with boyfriends, this is so awesome!”  Stupid New years eve, i f*cking hate you.  One of these years i literally want to be on the bowl taking a dump when the ball drops, just out of principle.  Take that last year!

-if you go to see the movie “New Year’s Eve” on New Years Eve i should be allowed to punch you in the face.  Notice i didn’t say see the movie in general because apparently my sister went to see that movie already. C’mon Lori!  Anyways those previews make me want to open my jugular with a steak knife.  And if you think it’s cute to go see “New Year’s Eve” on NYE then you should probably die.  Alright not die but have HORRIFIC diarrhea that burns for days and days.

That’s two jokes that ended with someone on a toilet bowl.  That’s some great comedy kids!

-So speaking of horrific diarrhea, do all of you know that girl who sings those stupid songs on the Hyundai commercials? You know, this annoying chick?

Gdamnit i want to bang this broad.  It makes me hate myself to admit it but i do, i want to bang her.  And then i want to bash that guitar over her head and wrap the guitar string around my neck in a double murder suicide because i’d be so ashamed of what i did.  Alright no i wouldn’t, i’d never commit suicide i’m way too money for that.  And sometimes i make over the top jokes but i don’t realize that everyone might not get it. But whatever on my blog i do what i want so either get it or read some other garbage.  But yeah i really hate myself because i want to bang this girl but it doesn’t change the fact i wanna bang her.  It just drives me insane going through the two emotions at the same time, being horny and pure hatred.  Does any guy know what i’m talking about with this girl?  Don’t you want to hate bang her but then hit her in the face? God she’s so annoying. i hate her so much and those songs are the worst.  2011 is the worst.

-i literally don’t know anyone who has an Iphone.  i am guessing this is because the people who have one never tell you every chance they get that they have an Iphone.  Oh wait, i’m sorry.  What i meant to say is people who own Iphones are the most f*cking annoying people on the planet.  “Oh hi Facebook, just posting from my Iphone!”  They can’t say they are posting from their phone, it HAS to be their “I”phone.  “Oh hey how do i get to your place? Wait nevermind i’ll check on my Iphone!”  “When we go out to eat what did you want to get as an appetizer? Oh and speaking of Apps check out this new app on my Iphone!”  No one does that with anything else.  “Oh hey how do i get to your place? Wait nevermind i’ll get there in my Toyota Corolla!”  Only annoying Iphone people have to announce it every time.  We get it, you have a gddamn Iphone.  No one cares, everyone has one and you’re not special.  Is there an app on that phone that stops pretentious douchebags from announcing every two seconds that they have an Iphone? If there is let me know and i’ll get it for you.  Even if it’s not a free one i’ll pay for it just so you shut the f*ck up already.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL-  “It’ssssssssssssssss Showtime!”

This was an actual quote someone heard at a urnial once from a guy who worked in a Federal building.  i read this joke from the website “Deadspin” and had to use that story for this bit.  It’s not plagiarizing because i’m telling you i read it on Deadspin and i don’t make money on this site anyway so suck my ball$

Fast food tips – If you buy one pound of coffee of any “Christmas” blend at Starbucks you get another pound free!  The deal is only good today though (12/30) so when you buy yourself that Grande bold coffee or that skinny vanilla latte after lunch to wake your dragging a$$ up make sure to pick up two pounds of coffee when you’re at it!  i pretty much only drink Starbucks because i’m a coffee snob so getting a pound free is a pretty fantastic way to end the year.  They have the Christmas Blend or the Christmas Espresso Roast which is what i bought but it’s the money deal so do it up!

And 2011 is FINITO!  Well almost but blogwise that is it for me for the year kids.  i hope everyone has a happy new year and just a heads up my next blog won’t be until Friday January 6th.  i don’t know what shape i’ll be in after the Giants/Cowboys game Sunday night but either way i’ll be hungover in rage or joy and will probably be too hurt up to write a blog for Tuesday.  So Here Comes the Money will be back on January 6th so get ready for a brand new year of laughs!**

-miguel jo$é***

*i do not promise anything
**laughs are subjective, if you don’t find me funny that’s your fault
***Happy New Year!

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One Response to “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. – Benjamin Franklin”

  1. Anonymous December 31, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    the hyundai girl makes me want to buy an Elantra…then run her the fuck over with it!
    then double back and reverse over that other annoying twat from the insurance commercials.

    Like

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