Only a mother possesses the unique ability to envelop you in a soft, warm blanket of unconditional love at the exact same moment she is driving you f*cking crazy… – Dennis Miller

27 Dec

What is up kids?

So i hope everyone had a fantastic holiday!  Unless its’ Hanukah because then i believe it’s still going on. How long does Chanukah last?  8 weeks or so? i’m not sure but that’s what it feels like.  For real, if i have to listen to any more Hannukah music on the radio i’m going to kill someone!  Oh wait, you’re saying it’s because i have Satellite radio on that it’s my fault and i need to turn it off of the Menorah station?  Well then that’s my bad and i apologize.

So i don’t know who of you prays out there but if any of you have any extra laying around say one for my mother please.  She’s going for surgery tomorrow and i know she’s going to be fine but she’ll appreciate the prayers. Plus i know she’s a nervous wreck about it but she shouldn’t be, she’ll get through this with no problem.  If she doesn’t realize she’s going to a live a super long life of worrying and being angry at my dad and being an anxious mess on what is happening with her kids she could not be more wrong.  i don’t know why she’d think she’d get off THAT easy and get to leave this earth early.  My mom is going to be around a LOOOOOOOOOONG time, mostly spending her time being cold and being worried about her kids and mad that no one ever calls even though all she does is give us a guilt trip about SOMETHING.  Plus she needs to stay alive so she can stay disappointed in me, cause i doubt she’s disappointed in my brothers and sisters.

Although i don’t think she’s THAT disappointed in me to be honest, probably just a little bit.  Or maybe a tad more then just a little bit.  My dad is too i think but that’s my fault.  i mean, i kinda haven’t done too much that is “substantial” in my life.  i guess if i had to throw my life on a resume it wouldn’t seem that impressive.  i don’t make a ton of cash, i’m not married or have any kids or own my own house.  i’m not in shape, it took me forever to graduate college, i work a boring payroll job and i’m not the smartest or most athletic out of all of my brothers and sisters.  So yeah on paper you wouldn’t show me off to all your friends if you were my parents i guess.

But i hope they know i’m super happy in my life and i have them to thank for it.  Well, for raising me to be a decent human being i mean.  The amount of nonsense arguing and stress that comes with hanging out at my parents house for too long during the holidays does not make me super happy haha.  If there is a negative angle to take out of a situation my mother will find it, it’s like she is trained to only look for things to be unhappy about instead of happy.  Although i guess that’s just a “woman” thing in general.  Guys are usually just trying to do things to make women happy even though we all know there is no such thing as a happy woman.  There is always something they are angry or unhappy or worried about and i guess my mom is no different.

But maybe it’s because my mom is always so worried about everything that i learned to find joy in almost everything i do.  i am the exact opposite when ti comes to worrying about things, iam pretty much never worried about anything.  Which is both a good thing and bad thing i guess. Bad because i should probably have a better paying job and be more concerned with my future.  But good because i’m having a f*cking blast in this life, and if the world ended tomorrow i’d have little to no regrets. Even at my awful job i’ve made some of the best friends i’ve ever had and can still find time to have fun there occasionally.  And i definitely complain about my job but who doesn’t?  For the most part i can control how much i let that place get to me and as of now i’m totally fine with it, so as of today my job can eat my a$$ and suck my taint!

And my life resume isn’t impressive like i said but i guarantee i have more fun then most people on a daily basis.  Sleeping late, watching old Arrested Development episodes on DVD or playing Mariokart with my ahole friends.  Or listening to my Fantasy football podcasts to find out who i should play or listening to the new Blind Melon mix Rob just burned for me or playing beer pong on a Tuesday night when i have work the next day…. it’s hard to explain to my parents or anyone for that matter how i could possibly have that much fun doing that Random Nonsense.  It’s hard to explain but it doesn’t make it any more less true that i love my life.  For real, i love my family,  i love my friends, i love my place, i’m really a very happy person.  Plus i’m a tremendous Hispanic jack hammer in the sack, something i would hope my parents would never learn about but should be proud of nonetheless…

i’m way off track here and hopefully no one in my family reads this.  But if they do then i’ll just end it by saying good luck ma! Like i said you’ll be fine and yes i know that won’t stop you from being a panicky mess like you always are.  But we’ll see you after you get out and you’ll be playing that Just Dance game on the Wii you got for Christmas in no time! 🙂


-If you are at a restaurant, and a waiter puts a plate in front of you and says “be very careful the plate is hot”, you will immediately touch the plate to see how hot it is.  i don’t get why people are such aholes like that but i know i do it every time.  And i was out at a restaurant and saw a guy bring two hot plates of food to two old women and told them the same thing and what did they do?  They immediately touched the gddamn plates. And yes by “old” i mean they were over 25 years old.  Did anyone understand my “wall” rant?  Do any of you ladies understand that i’m not saying your life is over at 25, i’m just saying you “peaked”?  Can any of you not be insulted by that?  No?  Well alright then

-How come there is no “chocolate” flavored cookie dough ice cream flavors?  Every time you get cookie dough ice cream it’s always in vanilla ice cream.  Why wouldn’t they make cookie dough in chocolate as well?  Am i missing something?  i mean there is literally a Ben and Jerry’s Flavor called “Schweddy Balls” from that SNL skit. No one has EVER thought to make a chocolate cookie dough ice cream flavor?  Can somebody get on that already please??

-Why do they show the credits at the end of movies on T.V.? Like on TBS or TNT or one of those channels, why do they even bother?  They always shrink the credits so they can start showing the next show anyway, plus even if you could read that negative 6 font they speed it up so 10 minutes worth of credits are showed in 8 seconds.  i have a 54 inch HD flatscreen and i can’t read these $hits, what is the f*cking point already?  You guys don’t want to show the credits and no one wants to read the credits so just stop pretending to show them, okay?  Can we make that deal?  Probably not, there is probably some bull$hit legal reason on why they have to show the credits even though they are impossible to read.  Everything is so f*cking stupid sometimes.

Fast food tips- For a limited time the Mac Snack Wrap is available at McDondalds.  It’s just like their other snack wraps only its a big mac so it’s the money.  For some reason this isn’t always available as an option, kinda like how the Rolo Mcflurry isn’t always an option.  That’s a pretty dick move if you ask me but anyways the point is that right now the Mac Snack Wrap is available so go do it up already.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Where is Hakeem?  C’mon Hakeem Nicks… 2 f’n fantasy points?  i didn’t defend my championship in 2nd rate because of you!  i lost by less then 8 points, if you could EVER catch one of those balls in the endzone i would be champ for the 2nd year in a row!  So thanks for nothing ahole, i’m totally on the Cruz bandwagon now! 

But although i was f’d in 2nd rate… you are now all looking at the 2011 Buddies Champion!  i am so fired up!!!  My first time EVER winning this league, and it’s the big money one and it has an awesome trophy so i am FIRED UP!  Thanks to Ray Rice, Wes Welker and Jimmy Graham who never failed me all year long.  You are all classy individuals and i cannot thank you enough!  But a 2nd place finish in one league and the Championship in another… i’ll f’n take it!  Keep having your kids and getting married and being responsible adults everyone in my leagues.  i’ll keep boozing and blazing and listening to my fantasy football podcasts and having no life and keep winning championships!

LATER DICKS! And if you haven’t heard… because of the New York Giants win over the Jets this weekend the Eagles have been eliminated from the playoffs!  HAHAHAHAHAHA  Later Dicks! 

That’s it for me, it’s CRAZY busy at work so i gotta get to it.  Plus if i don’t get my blog up by lunchtime i know one girl with a new leopard print tattoo on her ankle who is gonna be mad at me….
So have a great week everyone, and once again good luck ma i love you tons and i will see you soon!  xoxoxoxoxooxox  – miguel jo$é

One Response to “Only a mother possesses the unique ability to envelop you in a soft, warm blanket of unconditional love at the exact same moment she is driving you f*cking crazy… – Dennis Miller”

  1. Anonymous December 27, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    omg I was crying from laughing so hard about why do they bother to play the credits after movies on tv…I legit think about that everytime!

    and thanks for mentioning me and my new tattoo…you definitely made my lunch much more enjoyable by getting this up in time =)

    Stef =)


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