Where’s your Messiah now? -My sister Lori after her Patriots beat Tim Tebow and the Broncos this past Sunday

20 Dec

What is up kids?

So yeah i don’t know if i talk about my older sister much but she is RUTHLESS when it comes to football.  And she was the only one in my family to like me when i was growing up.  Not that i blame my family, i was a DISASTER.  i’m the main reason i’m scared to have kids, i would HATE if i had a kid like me.  i literally was this smart ass little Mexican brat who constantly had to fight against everything.  i was skinny as f*ck and had SOOOO much energy. i was always on 10 and i was always showing off and trying to make people laugh.

i don’t know if i’m making me sound as bad as i really was but for real i was a straight terror.  i mean i was a generally good kid, my parents definitely raised me to know right and wrong and when i did “bad” stuff it was never that bad.  But i was just constantly showing off and constantly looking for attention whether negative or positive.  If i were a kid today they DEFINITELY would have me on some dumb ass pills to calm me down or something.  My parents used to treat my disorder with medicine, a special concoction of their own called “the belt”.  The belt was cheap, it was quick, it was thorough.

i can’t imagine parents today using a belt on their kids.  Like my friends that are new parents now, i can’t DREAM of them using a belt on their kids. It’s funny because i honestly think that way but my parents? Belt it up!  My mom or dad would just whoop me up with the belt.  None of that wooden spoon garbage, i’m talking straight up belt!  i knew i was getting older when my dad would tell me to go get the belt and instead of going to get it as i normally would i would say “if you want to hit me with the belt you can go get it yourself! i’m not getting it!”  And then my dad would go and get the belt and belt me up.  i swear i can remember one time my dad was chasing me around the house to belt me but we were both actually laughing because it was kinda funny, and when he caught me he didn’t belt me up that time.  Christ i must have been like 6 in that memory, no joke.

Anyways before you new parents have a heart attack trust me my parents didn’t beat me.  There were never marks and if there are no marks it never happened!  Just like that hickey that wasn’t there on that 16 year old girl i was babysitting/hanging out with.  But yeah my parents hit me, they didn’t “beat” me.  There’s a big difference, and i totally believe in hitting your kids.  i think most minority parents believe this, it’s you white people that are like “just give them a time out!” Whatever with that garbage, i wouldn’t have been scared of a time out but the belt kept my tiny cute brown ass in line.

But yeah during that time i pretty much fought with my entire family except my sister Lori, i kinda felt like she was always on my side.  Or at the very least wasn’t against me.  But yeah she’s s a Physical Therapist and she loves to dance and she had my favorite niece and nephew ever and even though she loves Boston teams and is a whack job Republican she is the money and i love her and no matter what happens in life Tom Brady will never be able to beat Eli Manning!

i’m feeling a little wacky today kids, probably from all the medicine that i’m on. But hopefully some of this makes sense and gets a laugh today, and if any of you want to post today’s blog on your Facebook page to help get it out there today’s a good day to do it cause it is an A Plus*!


-Why, for the love of Christ, do they have you do your “finals” at the end of a semester?  i mean i get if they weren’t at the end they couldn’t call them finals, but that’s not my point.  My point is by the end of the semester you are so f’n drained from studying all year, and probably working full time as you take your classes and all you care about is either going home for the holidays and/or going to the beach on vacation if you’re lucky enough to not have to take classes over the summer.  But even when those fun thoughts should be on your mind you’re studying your ass off because the biggest test of the year is coming up!  My point is why not put the biggest test of the year in the middle of the year?  When you’re not completely burnt and you actually have some brain cells working and are well rested enough to take a big test without completely being a panicky mess.  Wouldn’t that make much more sense? i guess if the point of college was to help you learn and to improve your knowledge they’d do that but no of course college is just a huge scam and it just keeps you in debt for the rest of your life so you HAVE to get poor paying jobs just to pay it off and let’s be honest you don’t need a college diploma for the job you have now!  Has any job ever “asked” to see your Diploma?  My current job wouldn’t know if i graduated from Harvard for crying out loud.

-i hate “auto” paper towel dispensers in restrooms.  “But its so much more sanitary and you save paper!” True but it takes f’n 3 hours to get 2 sheets from those stupid things, they take FOREVER.  And you can’t just hold your hand up to the thing you have to pull the sheet off or it won’t keep feeding them.  Those auto “Air” dryers are kinda okay too but they never get your hands as dry as you want them.  Although i’ve always wanted one of those Air dryers for my house so i could dry off my balls when i got out of the shower.  i don’t know, i just feel like i’d dig it.  Alright fine i did it once at that airport and i can’t wait to do it again, are you happy???

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Nobody! i’m going to the Superbowl bitches!  In two f’n leagues!  So yeah i’m fired up, thanks to Matt Stafford who saved my life putting up 41 points, and San Fran’s defense for being the money on Monday night.  i’m defending my championship in 2nd rate and going for my first ever title in Fantasy Buddies, and  both Superbowls have me against my angel snow white polar bear Ray in what is sure to be a ferocious and cuddly battle.  Good luck gorgeous, and no matter who wins we both know that we each DOMINATED Fantasy Football this year!  Although who thinks it was SO f’n ghetto that they can’t call it “Saturday Night Football” and instead they call it “Thursday Night Special Edition”.  What the F is that bull$hit? If you’re gonna call it that then everything should be a variation of Sunday Football.  Like on Monday night it would be called “Sunday Night football Special Edition!”  “Der miguel that makes no sense!”  Exactly, that’s my point! “No, i mean whenever you write about Fantasy football or football in general i always skip and go to the next thing!”  Thanks Leesh 🙂

-Does anyone else think chili is just white people trying to act Mexican? Like they see the beef and beans that goes into burritos and tacos and they’re living in a trailer home and they are Rednecks and they are just like “Aw man we need to be making up some of those spicy beans like the browns do!”  Hahaha alright i’m gonna admit i have nowhere else to go with this bit but i’m still gonna leave it cause i’m lazy!  They can’t all be home runs kids, sometimes you gotta be happy with a single.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – The Gaping Holes

This “Great Name for a Punk Band!” bit is fantastic, i’ve only used it one other time i think but they are my most solid bits if you are cool enough to get it.  Does anyone remember the first “Great Name for a Punk Band!” i used?  Of course you don’t.  It was “The Bees Knees”.  Now think about it… they are fantastic names for punk bands aren’t they!  And me explaining the joke makes it funnier, right?  No???  Alright.  

Fast food tips- the Buffalo Ranch sauce at Wendy’s if f’n TREMENDOUS.  For real, i’m not the hugest Wendy’s fan but it’s worth it to just go get a bunch of stuff off the $1 menu and put that $hit on everything.  Nuggets, fries, the JBC, honestly anything.  i’ll even go as far as to say it’s better then the Big Mac sauce from McDonalds.  Yeah i said it, so what?  What’s the point of having my blog if i can’t push important yet controversial opinions that i have?  And have you even had the Buffalo Ranch sauce from Wendy’s yet? Of course not, don’t hate until you try it.  “Wait a second miguel, what is the JBC?” C’mon, i’ts the junior bacon cheeseburger.  Haha those of you who knew that before i just wrote it are fat asses and the f’n money!  

Getting close to Christmas time, so i hope you are ready for my Special “Friday night” edition of my blog this Thursday!  A lot of people are probably traveling on Friday so i will send out my holiday goodness this Thursday instead of Friday.  “Wow, this is already the best Christmas Ever!”  Thanks person who definitely didn’t say that in real life, i really appreciate it!

-miguel jo$e



One Response to “Where’s your Messiah now? -My sister Lori after her Patriots beat Tim Tebow and the Broncos this past Sunday”

  1. Anonymous December 20, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    haha i beat ruby when she bites me


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