Don’t you love it when people in school are like, "I’m a bad test taker"? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. – Daniel Tosh

16 Dec

What is up kids?

Alright i’m not gonna lie… i got ZERO today.  Nothing i want to rant on, no bits of wisdom to throw out and little to no ha ha’s at all for this part of my blog.  i don’t even have a good excuse like i’m hung over, or that after posting those pics of Tim Tebow’s girlfriend last blog she somehow read it and found me on the interwebs and to prove that she’s not dating Tebow we banged ALL night and when i woke up covered in sweat and love juice i realized “OMG i didn’t write the rant for my blog yet!” 

Nope that didn’t happen.  And this isn’t happening.  And anyways, most of you don’t read this part anyway.  You all go right to the Random Nonsense or maybe right to the Fast Food tips if you’re one of my more overweight readers and you just skip my little “diary” in the beginning.  So i don’t feel bad when i don’t have a good topic for this part.  Actually it’s just the opposite, you can all suck it!

Although close to 80 likes on Facebook so far!  That’s not too bad. It’s not too great but it’s definitely not too bad.  i would say i want you kids to post my blog on your site to help promote it but maybe you shouldn’t do it today.  Actually that’s the only thing i worry about, is that a day like today is where someone will decide to read my blog for the first time and they just go “Is this it???  Where are the jokes?  Is it supposed to be funny that this lazy Mexican is telling us he has no jokes and is calling us fat and just told me to suck it??  Later dick!”  Awww, that’s the first time i got “Later dicked” on my own blog!  But i deserve it, because this rant you are getting is B at best.  “Yeah, B for Bull$hit!”  Alright, enough you.

So i’ll stop stalling already.  i hope you guys have a great Friday and my Tuesday Rant will be terrific!  Guaranteed!*


-“OMG you got engaged!  Let me see the ring!”  Most broads seem to yell that when one of their friends get engaged.  And maybe it’s just because i’m a guy and i don’t get that $hit but doesn’t that seem very shallow? None of these girls are ever like “OMG you got engaged!  Tell me the story of how you met! How long have you been in love?  What made you think he is the one for you?  You are so lucky to find a special someone and have a future with your best friend!”  Nope, it’s none of that stuff.  It goes straight to the “OMG let me see that ring so i can see how much money this guy has and how much you are worth and i just want to make sure it’s not bigger then mine so i can make fun of you behind your back!” or “OMG that ring is so small, i’d be embarrassed to wear that if i were her!  And maybe that means her fiance’s penis is small too!”  or “OMG that ring is huge and gorgeous… what a bitch!” And for some reason most marriages don’t end up working out, i wonder why? It can’t be because people get engaged and married for the wrong reasons and only care about things like ring size and what kinds of flowers they have at their wedding and how good the cocktail hour is.  It can’t be because of that right?  No of course not… but congrats on your special day!

-i’m a full on coffee snob.  i’ll f’n admit it, i don’t care.  i mostly only drink Starbucks but if i HAVE to i’ll order a Turbo hot from Dunkin Donuts.  i normally make my morning coffee at home but this week i ran out and was left with my “emergency coffee” which is Maxwell House or Foldgers or whatever garbage i’ve had in my cabinet for 10 years.  So i had to make that awfulness this week and it literally tasted like a homeless man’s taint and basically ruined my day.  So i’m throwing it all out, becaue for real there is no point in even keeping it in my house.  So yeah i am a complete coffee elitist .  When it comes to coffee i am the 1%.  So keep drinking your swill you 99%ers, and oh yeah while you’re at it get a job!

-For those of you who have Verizon Fios, NHL hockey is now in HD!  For the first time i was actually able to see just how awful the Rangers are on my crystal clear 54 inch screen.  Oh and did all the Rangers fans realize Dubinsky only has one more goal then i do this season?  Just thought i’d throw that out there.

Sorry Albin, i was supposed to give you props for you giving me the incredible news that hockey is now in HD and it turns into me ripping your Rangers.  i’m a real piece of $hit.

-i love the Travel channel but that show “Ghost Adventures” sucks my balleens.  Holy S what f’n garbage that show is!  And there are some days when it is ALWAYS on.  The three guys on the show have zero charisma or likability, and none of the episodes are the least bit frightening or interesting.  And i actually dig ghosts, if there was a show hosted by someone cool i’d probably watch it.  Like Adam Richman!  i know he’s already on that channel 23 hours a day but if you made it 24 and had him chasing some ghosts i am all in!

Fast food tips- Free Fries at Burger King today!  They are the new ones and they are money.  No other explanation necessary for this tip, go get some free fries already!

“Facebook etiquette”- i hate when people tell me in person how much they LOVE my status updates on Facebook.  “Holy S dude that was some funny $hit!”  Really?  You think i’m funny?  Man, if there was only a way you could let everyone else know how funny i am, possibly right under the funny status that i posted.  If only Facebook could come up with a way for you to show that you “liked” my comment or could even comment right below what i wrote so other people would know i’m hilarious as well.  Oh wait, you CAN comment on my status update on Facebook?  And there is a way to show people that you “like” what i wrote, and you don’t have to just tell me in person?  Wow, this Facebook stuff is amazing!  i’m learning new stuff everyday!  So yeah to the person i have to spell this out for don’t f’n tell me to my face how funny i am on Facebook dumbass, just comment on the site! i don’t give a f*ck you think i’m funny in real life, let other people how f’n money i am!
That’s it for me kids, i hope everyone has a great weekend!  And when i write you next Tuesday i’d better still be in the gddamn fantasy football playoffs! – miguel jo$é
*not a guarantee

One Response to “Don’t you love it when people in school are like, "I’m a bad test taker"? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. – Daniel Tosh”

  1. Anonymous December 20, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    I love when people tell me in person that they think my statuses are hysterical…and i love it even more when they quote them back to me…a few friends told me to start a blog…how would you feel about some competition Miguel?!?! =)



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