And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road, and foot on the f*ckin’ gas… – Kenny Powers "Eastbound and Down"

13 Dec

What is up kids?

So i made it to blog #85! Or “Ochocinco” as they say in Spanish.  “DER miguel! That’s not how you say…” Shut up you non sarcasm getting silly goose, i know it’s not.  i actually know a lot more Spanish then i let on. Mostly because if i say i understand a little people will start speaking fluent Spanish to test me and i always fail miserably.  What do you want from me?  i barely understand English, you want me to learn a whole other language?

i mean don’t get me wrong, i tried.  i took Spanish in 8th grade and i took it all four years of high school.  The problem is i’m just as bad at Spanish as i was in my other classes.  It wasn’t like i was getting “A”s in Math and Science and Social Studies but getting “efe”s in Spanish, i was bombing all those subjects equally.  It was really only English i did good in, and i’m proud of it!  “No, Superman does good.  You’re doing well.  You need to study your grammar son.”  -Tracy Jordan, “30 Rock”

See??  Even Tracy Jordan corrects me!  But anyways yeah #85 is definitely a nice milestone to hit for me. One because i’m getting close to #100, and when that happens get ready for a HUGE party…

But also because 85 is kind of my number.   That’s why it’s a part of my site,  See the 85?!  That’s exactly why it’s kinda my number.  Actually not kinda, it IS my f’n number!  That was my football number in high school and that is my number for life.  Girls don’t get this, well maybe some that played sports i guess but still not really.  But guys who played football? Forget it, they know your football number is ALWAYS your number.  It doesn’t matter if you are Jerry Rice retiring with #80, or even Spiga who wore #1 since he was a little greasy Italian toddler.  “Whoo hoo i’m #1!” Grow up Speegs…

By the way, it’s me vs. Mike next week in the fantasy football playoffs.  This is the 3rd consecutive year in a row we play each other!  Right now we stand at 1-1, but after i beat him last year that was my first step to the Superbowl and then becoming Champ.  It’s gonna be nuts, this is basically Jets vs Giants just a couple weeks earlier.  But get ready buddy, i’m about to take control of this rivalry with another win on the way to defending my championship!

“OMG this is so boring i hate fantasy football and Spanish and Spanish people! Enough already!”  Of course that’s what you focus on girl who is annoyed.  Didn’t you realize i was telling the story about where i get #85 from?  Of course not, because as the woman all you care about is talking, it’s never about listening.  MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH, that’s all we ever hear from you as guys.  To compare it to something it’s like the teachers in the old “Peanuts” cartoons.  You know how you would only hear that  WA WA WAH noise when they talked?  That’s how most girls sound to us guys but instead of a WA WA WAH trumpet it’s more of a whiney MEH MEH MEH voice.  i don’t know why i bothered explaining this, the girls don’t get it and the guys know exactly what i’m talking about.

But yeah blog 85!  i’m definitely fired up for this one.  And i’m fired up to have so many “likes” on my Facebook page already!  Did you fools all like that piece yet?  If you haven’t then you’re not allowed to read my RANDOM NONSENSE until you do.  And you’ll regret it cause these ones are REALLY money.  So like my $hit already or don’t read RANDOM NONSENSE today.  i’m so not kidding!

Go and like it here and then enjoy the ha ha’s!


-Why don’t people use their…

What did i JUST say?? If you are reading this you better have “liked” my page! It’ll take two seconds go do it!

-Why don’t people use their turn signals when making a turn while driving?  Besides the fact that people are selfish reckless aholes who deserve to die in a horrific car accident i mean.  i guess this mostly happens in New Jersey but i gotta assume these c0cksuckers are all over the country.  Do you realize how f’n easy it is to use your signal?  And what a big difference it makes to the other drivers on the road?  Of course you don’t, because your a self absorbed bag of douche and when someone crashes into your car hard from behind because you are too much of a piece of $hit to use your blinker i hope you get paralyzed.    And i hope you’re on your cell phone with your family at the time so that when this happens they can hear you scream in agony as your spinal cord is crushed and your body becomes a useless sack of $hit because you couldn’t use your turn signal or shut your f’n yapper while driving.   And when your spouse leaves you to be with someone who can satisfy them sexually which you obviously can’t do anymore i hope there is one part of you that realizes “hey, maybe if i just used my blinker when making that turn, and maybe if i could drive 5 minutes without having to talk on the stupid phone and run my stupid mouth about nothing i wouldn’t be where i am today.”  And then i hope you have a painful heart attack and die.  Seasons Greetings! 🙂

-It’s awesome that there is fighting in hockey.  For real, it’s crazy!  i mean what other sport can you fight in? Besides fighting i mean.  Think about how much trouble you get in the NFL or NBA for throwing ONE punch.  “OMG he threw a punch! Suspension!  He should be banned from the league! My vagina hurts!” Not hockey.  Full out brawl by both teams?  “5 minutes for fighting guys! Enough with the horseplay!”  i don’t get why more people don’t watch hockey.  It’s so intense and fast paced and there are like 75% less commercials then every other sport.  Personally i love the New Jersey Devils, because i’m from Jersey and because i know for a fact some REALLY hot girls go to their games.  Which is nice.  But yeah my point is the fights in hockey are awesome and i  really, REALLY hate the Rangers.  Why should i hate them you’re asking?  i know, they haven’t won a cup since 94, and before that it was 1948.  So after one “fluke” year why would i even listen to their non cup having trash talking fans?  Good point, F those Rangers!

Sorry Albin, this isn’t towards you.  If there was such a thing as a “classy” Rangers fan it’d be you buddy.  The rest of these aholes can suck my big fat one though.

The Money $hot-out of the Week- This week’s shout out goes to Jesus himself… Mr. Tim Tebow!  Holy S balls that was an exciting game!  If you didn’t see it the Denver Broncos were down 10 points and then Moses parted the Red Sea right before Abraham was about to sacrifice his son Isaac and then Tebow scored a touchdown before the Doomsday Killer was about to get him.  Alright that is literally every religious thing i know in that one sentence.  Anyways i don’t care about Tebow winning the Heisman or being drafted in the first round or all his miracle comeback wins in the NFL.  What he deserves this shout out for is his girlfriend… Jeebus Christmas SHE is the miracle!  i’m not positive but i’m pretty sure her name is “who cares check out that rack.”  So congrats to Tebow for always proving everyone wrong.  Not so much for being an NFL Quarterback but more for the people that think you are gay.  Because any man who walks around with this girl must be at least a  LITTLE straight…

For the record, after doing HOURS of some HEAVY research i not only found out that this girl is a perfect 10 but that she also might not be his girlfriend.  Apparently the name of his girlfriend is a mystery, and no one can confirm the “rumors’ that these are pics of her.  But as we all know rumors never lie so i’m here to say this is 100% his girlfriend!  Or it isn’t, who cares… check out those bazoongas!   And oh yeah i’m 12 years old.

LATER DICKS! –  Like me on my prom night his might be a bit premature, because there are still 4 more games left to play in the NFL season. However, today’s LATER DICKS! goes to the Dallas Cowboys who can say goodbye to 1st place thanks the G-Men.  It took a Tebow like miracle but the New York Giants won an absolutely amazing game (amazing as in exciting, not as in good football) to stay in control of their own destiny and continue to prove that Eli is an “elite” quarterback.  i know my family in Massachusetts would like to say otherwise but until Tom Brady can beat Eli either in the Superbowl or at home they can shut their yapper!  But anyways seeing all those Cowboys fans update their status on Facebook in joy before the game was over, only to see their win disappear before their very eyes made me go from 6 to midnight immediately.  So say goodbye to 1st place Cowboys, and oh yeah did i mention… LATER DICKS!

“Facebook etiquette”- If you’re not going to answer my phone calls or respond to my texts, maybe you shouldn’t be updating your Facebook Status from your phone.  Unless you really want me to hate your guts.  “At the bar with my bestest! 🙂 ” – Sent from my Iphone.  Really?  Because i just called you and sent you 3 texts to see if you were ready to meet up about an hour ago.  i thought maybe you were kidnapped and they stole your phone, but lo and behold here you are on Facebook updating where you are!  And it’s nice to know I’M not your bestest although i guess i figured that out when you didn’t return my texts.  So thanks ahole, i’m glad updating your status is more important then getting back to me.  You’re a real piece of $hit buddy!
Holy F’n S BALLS that was one comedy filled blog!  Filled to the brim with comedy goodness, mmm MMMM like a Nutrageous! Anyways thanks for making it through 85 blogs with me.  MAN is that a ton of ha ha’s.  But c’mon kids, i feel good as hell these days and my mind grapes are still filled with comedy juice. So enjoy my juice kids!  Enjoy my juice. 
– miguel jo$é

2 Responses to “And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road, and foot on the f*ckin’ gas… – Kenny Powers "Eastbound and Down"”

  1. Anonymous December 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm #





  2. Anonymous December 13, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    That pic is of Lucy Pinder shes in one of those english maxim mags in my bathroom. She been around for like 10 yrs and shes a whore. Doubt shes wit jesus.


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