You know i like my chicken fried, a cold beer on a friday night! A pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up! – Zac Brown Band "Chicken Fried"

9 Dec

What is up kids?

i’m feeling kinda patriotic today so i figured i’d bust out my all-time favorite country song, “Chicken Fried”. Don’t you kids just LOVE this song??  And country music in general?  You do?
Yeah well i don’t.  And i’ll be honest, just putting up a quote from a country music song to start my blog makes me want to jab something sharp into my jugular.  Or at the very least shove a foot long Q-tip into my eardrums so i can pop them for good and never hear another country song again.
i just don’t get it kids, i honestly don’t.  Now mind you i’ve never REALLY given country music a chance. Maybe it’s because i’m a minority and it just seems too racist for me.  And there is nothing scarier then racist rednecks.  It’s funny because i feel like white people are so scared of minorities in general.  Like you get an old white lady or young white man, and they get legit scared of being mugged by a black guy.  Which sure it’s possible, but is that really something to be scared of?  i mean first of all what’s the worst that can happen? You get roughed up a bit, they take your money and you go crying to the cops who never find them.  Boo hoo, get over it crackers.
Now rednecks… THAT’S some scary $hit.  White people who listen to country music are the kinds of people that take you downstairs and tie you to a chair with a gag in your mouth as they bring out the gimp Pulp Fiction style.  i will take being mugged by a black guy ANY day over that.  Worst case scenario with him is they take my wallet.  Worst case scenario with these toothless country music loving rednecks is my butthole becomes the permanent vacation spot for jimmy joe’s and billy bob’s incest filled weiner.
What the F am i even talking about??  Oh yeah, country music.
So yeah i guess part of me hates it because i know racists listen to it, but even more so then that it is so BORING.  And LAME.  And they sing the same f’n garbage in every song.  “Whoo hoo my truck and my wife and the flag and America and cowboy hats!”  i didn’t google it to make sure but i guarantee what i just wrote are lyrics in some awful country song somewhere.  i have literally yet to hear two country songs that sound the least bit different.  Actually that’s a lie, i’ve heard the slow depressing country awfulness and the fast paced “yee haw i love America!” horrificness.  Both of which make me wanna bash my head in with a sledgehammer.

And whats’ the deal with cowboy hats?  Actually, rather then use my poor jokes why don’t we listen to a quote by a legend?

“Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots.  You ever see these jack-offs?  Can’t we kill some of these motherf*ckers?  Walking around in a f*cking cowboy hat.  Grown men.  It’s not even Halloween for Chrissakes?  i say, “Hey Tex, grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you’re living in.”  Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures?  You don’t see anyone walking around in a pirate costume, do you?”  – George Carlin.
Ahhhh there it is… thanks George.  Using an f’n country music song quote to start my blog hurt my soul but using your quote right there made me feel like myself again.  
But yeah before i end this rant that is basically about nothing let me just say as much as i f’n hate it, as much as it literally makes me vomit out of my earballs every time i hear a country song i do understand why people like it.  i mean why wouldn’t they?  It’s simple catchy garbage, and as i’ve gotten older i’ve learned that is all some people want in their music.  It’s basically fast food for your ears, and people LOVE fast food.  i’m sure if aliens ever come visit us they will go “why does this species eat Grade F McDonald’s “meat” when there is such better quality of food on this planet?”  Well aliens it’s because it’s cheap, it’s easy, and if you don’t think about it you won’t notice it’s awfulness and will actually get used to it.  Just like country music.

“Hey wait, when you said aliens coming to visit did you mean your Mexican family?  Because this country has enough illegal aliens as it is.  Tell them to wash dishes and mow lawns in their own country for crying out loud.  They took our jobs!”

Well played your racist basterd.  Enjoy your fast food and country music crackers!


-EVERY time i throw a party the absolute worst thing about cleaning up is how many floaters there are left all over the place.  Really?  Really, friends of mine?  Cause that’s the worst part of it.  Obviously the people that leave floaters are people i know and am close enough to to invite to my party.  It’s not like strangers come in, drink 2 sips and then leave floaters all over my house.  But c’mon dudes, f’n drink up already!  We stopped playing beer pong because we ran out of Natty light but then the very next day i find out there’s enough floaters around to have my own pong tournament.  Let me guess, you people who leave floaters are the same aholes who smoke outside and throw butts everywhere like those just disappear and i don’t have to clean them up the next day? Some of you have a lot of growing up to do.  You’re better then that.

-If you take any type of sleep aid to go to sleep, whether it be Tylenol PM, NyQuil, Ambien, 3 bottles of wine, Meth, etc.  i mean the options are endless.  Anyways if you are debating taking something to help you go to sleep you really have a small window of when to take it.  Because you don’t want to take it at 8 pm and be out by 8:15 for the night.  i mean you’ll miss all your shows, plus you just spent all day working.  Don’t you want to be awake for a few hours to enjoy the little down time you have?  But you also can’t wait too long and then take it at midnight or 1 am when you can’t sleep because then you’ll NEVER get up.  i’ve made that mistake plenty of times and then when i wake up feeling refreshed and rested and then notice my alarm isn’t going off and i have 3 messages from work wondering where i am and i realize i blew it.  So if you’re gonna take a sleep aid you really need to make a firm decision way earlier in the night and stick with it because if you don’t you will blow it.  And since we all know girls are the worst ever at making decisions let me guess, you blow this one all the time?  “That’s what she said!”  Copyright Michael Scott.

-It’s crazy but it’s a fact that no matter how old you get your handwriting never changes.  Isn’t that odd? i mean obviously your physical features change.  And mentally most of us start to form new opinions and thoughts at some point.  Well unless you are a Conservative Republican of course and then nothing should change EVER.  “No more big government! Stop with all the free handouts! Bring back Slavery!”  Haha just kidding.  Conservatives don’t want to stop all the free handouts just most of them.  But anyways yeah your handwriting never changes, i have the exact same handwriting that i did when i was a kid. And it’s AWFUL. If i ever have kids, or if the courts ever prove any of them are really mine i am definitely going to make sure they pay attention in handwriting class.  i know i didn’t and mine looks like a cross-eyed 7 year old with ADD who just drank 3 coffee’s and a Redbull signed my name. 

Fast food tips – First of all, i’ve tried Burger Kings’ new fries and they are pretty f’n money.  They are just big fries and filled with salty goodness.  So well played BK.  But on top of that for the next 3 days at BK it is “Buy one Whopper get one Free!” That’s right, Dec 9, 10th and 11th is is buy one get one.  So if you went yesterday to try the fries you were S out of luck on the deal.  But it’s on now so go do it already!

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL- Man your dick is so small when you take a piss you pee on your own nuts!   

Haha that line isn’t mine, some comedian i can’t remember used it but it’s still funny as $hit!

That’s it for me today kids, hope you all enjoyed it!  And for those of you who don’t know and by the 60 plus “likes” i already have at least some of you do already but “Here Comes the Money” finally has it’s own page of Facebook!  If you haven’t “liked” it or seen it yet you can just go here:

Hopefully now i can really start to promote my blog.  And if any of you want to help me out by suggesting this page to some of your friends please do so cause that would be the money.  Although i feel bad telling you to help me promote it when i know once i do get big and famous i am going to forget ALL of you… Actually wait, no.  No i won’t feel bad.  i won’t feel bad at all.  Later dicks!

And enjoy your weekend!  Cya Tuesday! – miguel jo$é

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