No guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go and find some happiness behind your back. Just so YOUR feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you, it’s not for me. – Patrice O’Neal

6 Dec

What is up kids?

So i hope everyone had a great weekend!  “Weekend, it’s Tuesday already ahole!”  Oh true, i forgot not everyone took Monday off like i did.  Is it bad to tell you all i have off tomorrow as well?  “It’s not bad but besides not finding your blog funny now i hate you and wish bad things upon you as well!”  Well that’s a little rough, but i feel great and well rested so i can take it.

How ruthless was that quote i used to start today’s blog?  That was the one and only Patrice O’Neal, and unfortunately he died at 41 last week.  Which f’n sux because for real he was one of the most honest and raw comics out there today.  George Carlin looked at our entire species with contempt, and Patrice had that attitude about “typical” relationships between men and women.  Even if you don’t agree with what Patrice said and a lot of people don’t, it’s hard to say he doesn’t at least make some pretty interesting points.  And honestly, is it that hard to think that maybe we as humans have this whole relationship thing between men and women wrong?  i mean love is such a basic human emotion that has gone on from the beginning of time.  And we aren’t any closer to figuring out relationships then we were when Tebow was walking the Earth. Whoops, i meant Jesus.  Sorry, i confuse the two.  Can you believe he won again on Sunday???  But back to Patrice…

“The difference between 40 year old cooch and 20 (year old cooch) is the amount of time i wait.  That’s it.  20 i’ll wait FOREVER.  Just wait in the corner like “Oh it’s gonna happen!  i am going to wait for this 20 year oldness!”  But 40?  i wait a date.  Two dates.  Two dates and then you gotta start rolling those old drawers down.”  – Patrice O’Neal

Okay so maybe another reason i dig him is because he subscribes to my whole younger girls are better and hotter theory.  Both these quotes i just listed are from his special “Elephant in the Room” which Comedy Central played the day after he died.  And i’ll admit even though i’ve seen him in person and seen some of his stuff on television i never saw this special until he passed away.  But yeah i was BLOWING it for waiting so long to catch it, and you are too if you don’t go Netflix this piece immediately. It’s literally one of the funniest hours you will see and you will at least get a glimpse of what a funny motherf*cker this guy was.  Or you might watch it and hate him because some of you ladies are a tad touchy on this whole age thing.  When you really shouldn’t be because honestly, we LOVE you ladies.  Even if you’re over 25, i swear.  You are still smoking hot and sexy and all that stuff.    And trust me, i would do HORRIFIC unspeakable things to get with any of you.  There are girls i know that i would do completely embarrassing, degrading, and even vile things to get with, and i mean that from the bottom of my heart.  So to the three women that still read my blog first of all thank you.  But again, please realize this is only a funny exaggerated observation that has no truth in real life!  Although when you ask Patrice…

“(But women) you get hornier as you get older.  It’s weird, you wanna do all your sex in between the ages of 30 and 50.  That’s when you want it.  But here’s how sad things are, the value of vagina is only good from 18-29.  Pu$$y gets old like bread, not like wine.” – Patrice O’Neal

Hahaha alright THAT one was ruthless.  But now that you’ve read some of his quotes, my whole hitting the “Wall” at 25 bit seems pretty tame doesn’t it?  Or does that mean we are both ahole guys and now out of principle you won’t ever sleep with me?  Please don’t be that, please don’t be… oh wait that’s the deal?  So i’m the a$$hole? Got it. The truth hurts but if you are going to lump me in with someone as talented and funny as Patrice O’Neal i’ll take it.  Even if it means i will never ever sleep with any of you beautiful women in the future…

On to the nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i need a better answer for when people ask me what i’ve been up to.  i don’t mean for random people i don’t care about, i have no problem telling aholes who i won’t see again for 15 years the same generic answer.  And i hope when i give it to them they realize i am only making small talk and that i didn’t even remember their name let alone care what is going on with them. But for like my real friends that i don’t run into as much, when they ask me “so what have you been up to?”  i need a better answer then, “nothing man, chillen. Working and same old $hit”.   Really? That’s all i’ve been up to?  How bout this blog that has a whole 32 and hopefully counting followers?  Or how about that diet i had been staying on until Thanksgiving and that tailgate for the Giants game this Sunday where i easily put back on all the weight that i thought i’d lost. Or how about the two fantasy leagues that i am in first place in my division and have a first round bye in the playoffs?  Or how about…. um wow, i really have nothing going on.  Alright fine i’ll stick with that same generic bull$hit answer even with my good friends, are you happy?   i need to get a life one of these years.

-So i don’t know if there is any sort of thesis on this, or any kind of current research going on to figure out this certain phenomenon.  But if there is one thing i have learned in life, it is that white people LOVE Naughty by Nature.  They straight love them!  i guarantee if you ask to see the Ipod of any white person you know they will have a Naughty by Nature song on it.  “O.P.P.” “Hip Hop Hooray”, and don’t even get them STARTED on “Ghetto Basterd”, they’ll sing every f’n lyric of that song!  And oh yeah the second thing i’ve learned in life is that white people also love “House of Pain.”  When you want to see the worst case of white people dancing at a wedding just put that song “Jump Around” on and enjoy.  Oh and white people also love “Run DMC”. “Hey you know what white people don’t love?  Mexicans!”  Well f*ck you cracker.  And enjoy your Rap Hop.

-Did you ever get stuck behind one of these jerkoffs that use shopping carts… in CVS?  Really lady?  i don’t care how many coupons or CVS bucks you have, if you need a shopping cart in CVS not only are you going to take WAY too long you are EASILY spending over $100 what you would spend anywhere else.  As long as you are unnecessarily wasting money why don’t you bring your shopping cart to 7-11 as well?  i hear they have a great sale on Gatorade, you get two for 3 bucks!  Of course at Shoprite you can get them for .45 cents each but like we discussed in the beginning, you are a money wasting moron.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week…-it’s NOBODY!  That’s right, your humble narrator had the second best record in two leagues which is good enough for a first round bye in each league.  i also won my division in both which wins me money,  but that’s just the beginning because i’m in it for the long haul kids! i want to win it all and get those duckets and get those trophies!  Here is a pic of the one league where i am currently champion and going for the repeat.  Hopefully i’ll have to take another pic at the end of this season with both trophies but we’ll see i guess.  Notice how my trophy is next to a bag of tortilla chips which is both racist and funny.

“Facebook etiquette”-“Blocking” someone on Facebook is pretty f*cked up.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i have no problem doing it because i hate people.  But a friend of mine did that to someone as a joke but it went on WAY too long, like 10 months too long.  i’ve talked about this with a lot of people and we’ve all decided that even for a joke the MOST you can block someone on Facebook is for a week, tops.  And even that is pretty jerk.  But when you block someone on Facebook you are making a pretty big statement.  You’re basically saying “hey, i could hide you but i want you to KNOW i am blocking you.  i don’t want you to be able to see any of my $hit even though i have over 500 friends, and not only that when you do try to friend me i want you to know that you are blocked.”  That kind of behavior should only be kept for when it’s necessary, so if you’re doing it to someone and you think it’s funny just stop it already because it’s not.  Okay?  Basically what i’m saying is that Erin if you are really mad at me for what i wrote in my blog about women being done once they hit 25 i’m sorry!  i was totally just kidding and in fact, the rules are totally different for blondes!  When i wrote that blog i was drunk and being an ahole and i apologize!  Please stop blocking me so i can creep on your page again, i mean so we can be friends!

Haha just kidding.  Thanks for reading my blog Erin and i hope you had a great birthday!  And i wasn’t kidding the rules are different for blondes but i’ll explain that in a later blog 🙂

Alright i’m out of here.  i guess i could have talked about how this Sunday was the best tailgate of my life thanks to Maddog and all the other guys who showed up.  Ray of course for being my beautiful blonde polar bear, Jack who is still the coolest motherf*cker i know and i don’t know why he slums it up with us aholes, even Tommy who i kinda thought i’d never see again for the rest of my life now that he’s had another kid.  But yeah that was almost the best game of my life until right at the end where i realized apparently the NFL never calls any penalties against the Packers and there is this made up one they used against the Giants called “illegal sacking of Aaron Rodgers” which apparently is 5 yards and an automatic first down.  But even so this was one of the most fun times of my life and thanks to my brother Ray who who hooked up the ticket and all the people who were there for one of the best tailgates ever.  Hopefully we’ll see those Fermunda cheeseheads again in the playoffs!

Oh and a special thanks goes out to my boy Speegs, who even after i bashed him HEAVILY on Friday’s blog he was still nice enough to drive my drunk a$$ home after the party.  So thanks Speegs, you are a class act.  i mean your life is over and your little bro is still WAY more fun then you, but i do appreciate you looking out for me hermano! 

-miguel jo$é

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5 Responses to “No guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go and find some happiness behind your back. Just so YOUR feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you, it’s not for me. – Patrice O’Neal”

  1. Anonymous December 6, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

    ur welcome for the rides to the game 😛

    Like

  2. Anonymous December 6, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    hahaha..I agree about the CVS shopping carts..I hate that shit! You should not need more than a basket at CVS or Riteaid or anything similar. 🙂

    Like

  3. Anonymous December 7, 2011 at 1:40 am #

    They love naughty by nature but never ever give props to their best song “uptown anthem”!?! Somethings wrong. -JJ-

    Like

  4. Anonymous December 8, 2011 at 2:10 am #

    Your blog is so good I need a cigarette after I read it. RIP Patrice and my 20's. -Er

    Like

  5. Anonymous December 13, 2011 at 4:47 am #

    So apparently I'm screwed when it comes to your theory about women…I'm 27 and just went back to brunette…according to your blog I should just give up…your lucky I love you and and this blog otherwise I'd be so pissed at you

    Stef 🙂

    Like

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