Peaked? Peaked, Dee? Let me tell you something… I haven’t even BEGUN to peak. And when I do peak, you’ll know. Because I’m gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia is gonna feel it. – Dennis "It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

2 Dec

What is up kids?

It’s Friday Friday, getting down on Friday.  Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend… is that song not hip anymore?  Do the kids even use that word anymore, “hip”?  i’m sure they do, because i consider myself pretty hip and “with it”. i mean i listen to all the newest music, especially all the latest Rap Hop and the BeBop.  You know, everything the kids listen too.  i’m a big fan of the Lady Goo Goo, Jason Bieber, Nick Minaj, all that stuff. 

i actually had a rant planned for today but instead i’m just gonna ramble about nonsense.  Which i usually wait for “RANDOM NONSENSE” to do but whatever it’s my blog and i do what i want!  And it’s Friday, who feels like doing stuff on Friday? Besides my clients i mean.  For real i will never get it.  My clients always call me on Friday for the WORST bull$hit.  “Um, i’ve been going over my reports from 2008 and i had a question about some taxes that are off by .43 cents… can you help me?”  Sure i can lady.  First, start a nice warm bath and gently pour in some soothing bubbles.  Then maybe get some calming lotions and light a scented candle.  Slip into the warm tub ever so slowly, get completely relaxed and then i will throw in a toaster that is still plugged in and end your miserable existence.  Honestly, what is the point of owning your own business if you have to work on Fridays????  Why would i work to get rich and own my own company if that means i need to work $hitty hours and do things like be concerned with taxes on Friday when i should be getting ready to play beer pong, do drugs, and pass out in my own filth and puke?  People sure have messed up priorities these days…

i think people measure success by the wrong things.  People are so worried about making money and buying garbage they don’t need that they waste more then half of their lives trying to get it.  Yeah it pays off in the end but who cares if when you’re 65 you can live comfortably?  i’d rather party my face off when i’m young and die alone in some miserable old age home with no possessions then work until i’m 50 and then have all the time and money in the world to do what i want but be too tired and old to enjoy it.  i’m still in prime baby! Just like the quote i used to start this blog i haven’t even began to peak yet!  Alright fine, maybe i have a few aches and pains i didn’t have when i was younger and i have to take a nap anytime i climb more then 1 flight of stairs.  And maybe i don’t understand kids music these days and i think it is too loud.  And maybe i enjoy VH1 better then MTV and i watch the Weather channel and i won’t go to bars the night before Thanksgiving or on New Years Eve because they are too damn crowded.  And maybe i don’t get things like the “Twitter” or “Google Plus”.  And maybe someone bought me an Ipad and i think it’s a fantastic gift i just don’t get how to turn it on or what “Apps” are.  Isn’t that short for “appetizers?”  i hope so because i want some mozzarella sticks ASAP!

No i’m that bad but i’m getting there. i think the real thing with getting older isn’t so much that you can’t figure things out, you just don’t f’n care.  When you’re a kid you’re into all sorts of new things and experiences but when you get older you realize how overrated that garbage is.  i already know what i like to do to have fun, i don’t need to double my money on “new” things.  i like boozing, blazin, playing beer pong and barely legal girls.  “Still with the illegal girls miguel?? Grow up you creepy basterd!”  First of all, i just said they are legal.  And i kinda hate the term “Barely” legal because even though it sounds hot there are only two things a girl can be, and that’s legal or illegal.  And i am not into illegal girls, just ones that look like they are…

Alright i DEFINITELY used that line in a blog before but i don’t care.  No one ever comments about me repeating jokes.  In fact, people barely comment at all these days!  Hopefully that will change when i start my “Here Comes the Money” Facebook page which should be ready by next week.  i wanted to have it ready by today but it’s been a busy f’n week kids.  And i don’t know if i’ll have it ready by Tuesday because i got mad plans this weekend from my work holiday party tonight to going to the Giants game on Sunday against the Packers.  You would think i wouldn’t be fired up for the game considering the Giants should get killed.  But the Giants are 2-0 in the games to i’ve been to so far this season and the G-men have a pretty amazing history against unbeatable undefeated teams so we’ll see what happens.  But i’ll tell you right now if the Giants win and the news reports of a naked Hispanic guy who ran onto the field and peaked all over the place you’ll know it was me!

And oh yeah i wanted to do my Patrice O’Neal tribute today but i’ll do that on Tuesday.  i didn’t have time to do it right and i don’t want to half ass it for once because for real he is truly one of the funniest people that ever lived.  And i’m not saying that because he just died, i’m saying that his outlook and different take on life and relationships was borderline Carlinesque on how on point he was.  So look out for my tribute on Tuesday.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Sometimes i ask people if they have read my blog, and i feel like a lot of you feel bad when you tell me “no.” i mean none of you ever go “No i don’t read that garbage, go F yourself you dirty Mexican!”  Alright fine one person does that but most of you don’t.  Anyways if i do ask you if you’ve read it PLEASE don’t feel bad if you haven’t, i really don’t care.  i only ask so i don’t end up repeating a joke you’ve already read, i’m not doing it to test you.  i always get “oh i haven’t read it yet… but i will!”  Or “i like to read a bunch at a time and i just haven’t gotten to it yet!”  Honestly, there’s zero need for an excuse so you can just tell me no and not feel bad about it.  And trust me, when i do make it big and become famous there is NONE chance i will ever talk to any of you aholes again, or even admit that i ever knew you in public.  The whole reason i’m writing this blog is to get famous, make money and make new and better friends.  And i will not feel bad in the least when you come up to me and go “miguel i’ve loved your blog since day one!” and i go “who are you again? Sorry i’m bad with names” and you go “it’s me, Jay John! Your best friend since college!” and i go, “Really?  i was a friend with a Filipino once?  Hey, check out what i learned today!”  But yeah the point of this is don’t read my blog, i don’t care.  i can’t wait till half of you ungrateful jerkoffs i call my friends now are in the LATER DICKS! part of my blog…

-In Spain, instead of writing “haha” or “LOL” when making a joke  they write “jejejeje” or “jajajaja”.  i mean i get why they do that, even with my limited Spanish i understand the “j” in Spanish sounds like an  “h”.  But i still think it looks different and weird and i wish they would stop.  Does the Santa in Spain go “JOJOJO!” when he delivers presents?  i’m guessing he doesn’t, mostly because Santa doesn’t deliver presents to dirty little Hispanics.  That’s what my parents told me growing up anyway…

-When it comes to parties, have any of you ever been to a “Jack and Jill” party, sometimes called a “Stag and Doe” party?  Have any of you ever heard of this nonsense?  Hopefully you haven’t, but if you have heard of it i feel bad for you.  However, if you’ve ever actually gone to one of these monstrosities, or GOD FORBID ever thrown one for yourself, if you were debating sitting in your car and taking a carbon monoxide nap tonight let me just end the debate now and say do it!!  If you’ve noticed i am not rushing to tell you what this is because honestly just the thought of these parties makes me sicker then i was when i ate that triple steak stack from Taco Bell the other day.  A Jack and Jill party which can also be called a Stag and Doe party is what they call it when a bride and groom decide to have a COMBINED bachelor/bachelorette party.  If you just threw up from reading that i’ll wait,  in fact maybe i’ll go to another bit just so you have time to process what i just told you…

Fast food tips-

-Burger King is introducing it’s new fries on December 5th. Apparently these new fries are going to be thicker, reduced sodium and they added a coating that makes them crisper and keeps them hotter longer. There’s a joke in their about my penis but i’m too tired and lazy and not funny enough to make one. Anyways this will probably be another time that i regret writing a fast food tip before i actually tried the food in question but whatever, at least i’m giving you the heads up that there are new BK fries to try.  Hopefully they’ll be good but my guess is they’ll be disappointing at best.  Prove me wrong you f’n creepy guy in a king suit.  What is the point of that guy anyways, to scare me into eating Burger King?  Everyone is weirdos, i swear to Christ.

-Alright, back to this combined Bachelor/Bachelorette party AWFULNESS.  What guy would ever do this??? i mean obviously the girl wants to to do it, hell she was the one who wanted to get married in the first place.  So as the guy you have already literally decided to end your life and spend the rest of it trying to make that bitch happy.  But then you are going to give up your own bachelor party as well?  Wow dude that is the lamest $hit EVER.  If i had a friend that decided to do that, but then the night of the combined party i found out he killed himself i’d actually be more relieved then sad.  i mean the guy’s life is over with anyway, at least this way he salvaged at least one shred of dignity before he went out. And if you won’t have one because your wife is too insecure to let you have one then maybe you’re not  in the right relationship?  i love these guys that do everything their girl says and never have an opinion or thought on their own.  What never ends up happening is years later the guy finally gets sick of living a lie and putting on an act the whole time and then he cheats on her and gets divorced and dies alone and miserable, that’s never what happens.  Oh wait i mean that’s exactly what will happen every time.  If my friend was getting married and had a combined bachelor/bacherolette party not only would i not go to that i would also not go to their wedding and i would root against their marriage to end immediately, hopefully in a painful divorce.  And i don’t blame the women on this, this is all the guys fault.  Or at least the lack of their testicles.  You’re about to get married and spend the rest of you life doing whatever she wants, you won’t spend one night with your best friends partying it up for the last time in your life?  Just because you don’t want to get into a fight?  Nice life decision buddy, you won’t regret that forever and your friends won’t always look at you as a complete pu$$y and mock you for the rest of your life either.  Enjoy your marriage! 

“Facebook etiquette”- Hey aholes who check in everywhere on Facebook… no one gives a $hit where you are!  “Lisa just checked into work!”  Really Lisa? Because i know you have a job and i figure you go there 5 days a week.  Do you need to tell me every f’n time you get there?  “Courtney is in class” “Stephanie is at McDonalds getting a Rolo McFlurry”  “Odessa is at Dress Barn getting new shoes” “Jerry is in the bathroom taking a dump”  Awesome, thanks guys.  It was bad enough i had to ignore all of your useless status updates, now i also get to not care where you are currently at as well?  Unless you are one of those models from the Victoria Secret Fashion show i don’t give a flying f*ck where you are! 

Oh speaking of that show, did you ladies watch that?  You should have, if only to see what “real” women look like.  Maybe it’s time to start that diet for real and get your hair and make up did already.  Strive for perfection ladies, these ladies did it.  Stop being so lazy.

boooooooooWHIP!  ==D ~
And on that note i’m done.  Like i said i gots S to do this weekend so it’s time to get moving.  On another note, my friend Speegs Is a guy i met at work years ago who i ended up becoming good friends with.  He used to love to drink and party but now he’s married and lame and never does anything including coming to my place to pregame for tonight’s party.  Luckily his younger bro works here now and this kid is already at my house now setting up the beer pong table getting ready to go nuts and probably blackout before the party even starts.  So Mike, you have officially been replaced with the younger more fun version of you.  And the best part is i know Speegs doesn’t even care, his life has been over for a LOOONG time.  And i can say all of this because i know his wife doesn’t read my blog haha.  But it’ll be good to see that guy cause he’s definitely my boy, but when i spend most of the night partying with Speegs 2.0 i hope he doesn’t get mad.  i’m sure he won’t, he’ll have more fun at the “adult” table eating salad and talking about golf and house ownership.  Speegs is as hip as i am talking about Rap Hop!

Have a great weekend kids!  miguel jo$é

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4 Responses to “Peaked? Peaked, Dee? Let me tell you something… I haven’t even BEGUN to peak. And when I do peak, you’ll know. Because I’m gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia is gonna feel it. – Dennis "It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia"”

  1. Anonymous December 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    hahahaha….my husband suggested a Jack & Jill party..but I said HELL NO! What's the fun in that?

    Like

  2. Anonymous December 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    Love the Jay John reference

    Like

  3. armando December 2, 2011 at 6:48 pm #

    how come your wallpaper is only $20s? why not $50s and $100s?

    Like

  4. Anonymous December 2, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    Jack & Jill baby showers r the absolute worst
    -JJ-

    Like

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