My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah". – Mitch Hedberg

29 Nov

What is up kids?

So i hope everyone had a fantastic holiday!  i know i did even though lets be honest, it is not over yet!  How can it be when i’m still eating turkey and stuffing sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner?  i told myself i’d let myself cheat on my diet on Thanksgiving and as long as there are leftovers i can still eat whatever i want gddamn it! 

Actually no i’m back on this stupid thing.  And for once i’m not completely miserable about it, even though i’m not too happy with this banana i’m having for breakfast.  Although i must say it is much better then having an everything bagel with cream cheese and butter! Except for the goodness and the deliciousness i mean.  i mean bananas are okay i guess but i’d kinda rather a green Granny Smith apple.  i f’n love apples… except for that stupid game “Apples to Apples.”  Have you kids ever played that game?  i played it with my family this weekend which is probably a bad idea considering we all argue about nonsense anyway.  i feel like there is no need to instigate even more fights by playing a game that is completely subjective and makes you hate whoever’s the judge.  But whatever, it’s something everyone can play and it was just a good time to hang out with my family.

Which i have to say i love doing.  It was really great to see everyone on Thanksgiving, from my parents to all my brothers and sisters and my niece and nephew.  “Aren’t you Mexican?  What about the other 38 members of your family, did they not show up? Or was the restaurant they work at open so they still had to bus tables and wash dishes?” Man that is some racist $hit buddy.  But whatever, you can’t get me down today.  Growing up you take for granted how much time you spend with your family, but as you get older (and for girls we learned that means being 25 or older) you really learn to appreciate when all of you can get together, or at least i hope you do.  i know my mom appreciates it, i haven’t seen my mom that happy in a long time.  And i guess i understand how she feels because i had the best time this Thanksgiving. 

But before i get to RANDOM NONSENSE, it’d be a crime to not give The Money $hot-out of the Week to my brother Tomas who set everything up for the entire family.  From getting us INSANE rooms at the Condos he manages right on the beach in Cape Cod, to hooking up the money turkey and really giving our family the best set up possible for Thanksgiving ever.  And besides that, he looks AMAZING!  The will power my little brother has shown to lose all the weight he has is truly an inspiration to me, and i honestly couldn’t be more proud of him.  So Tomas i hope you enjoy your shout out, and do me a favor and also say what’s up to John for me since i know both of you read my blog.  i’m sorry if John’s wife doesn’t find my blog funny like you guys do but i don’t blame her.  i’m a pretty awful human being and obnoxious to boot so i’m surprised anyone reads it to be honest.  Hell, after my blog about girls hitting the “Wall” i don’t get how any of you broads over 25 read my blog!  Not because it’s offensive, but because i figure at your age your eyesight must really be going!  Haha that comment is the exact reason i turn people off from this blog but whatever.  Maybe one day some of you will only realize i’m only half serious with most of the stuff i say.  Or even less then that really.   But to those of you that stick with me you are the money and i truly appreciate it! 

Alright before i start being mushy again i’ll get to the ha ha’s already…


Alright this is REALLY random…. but after watching Toy Story 3 again this weekend i have come to the conclusion that there is NONE chance that the kid Andy who owns all the toys ever got laid before he went to college.  No f’n way.  i mean he’s on his way to college and he’s still having trouble saying goodbye to some stupid dolls?  C’mon guy, you’re better then that.  A year or so before it would have been completely legal for him to have himself some tween poon but instead he’s playing with a cowboy and a astronaut.  If i had to put money on it i’d guess he’s never even kissed a girl, let alone taste some of that sweet high school girl goodness.  And yes i know none of you have a clue what i’m talking about,  but i honestly had that thought this weekend and if i can’t write that down here where can i write it?  Plus i’ve been looking for an excuse to use the phrase “tween poon” for quite some time now and i can finally cross that off my bucket list.  Hooray!  Hoo-ray.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… It’s tough to do this because in my one league he actually helped me win my division and gave me a bye the first week of the playoffs.  However, in my other league where i could only handle him scoring 30 points or have none shot at the playoffs Eli Manning scored exactly 32 points to end my season.  Really?  You had to throw that meaningless touchdown at the end just to crush me?  Thanks Eli, definitely don’t save that for the next few weeks that i really need you.  i mean honestly, 32 f’n points??  i guess that means the Giants must have won by a lot right? Oh wait, they got f’n destroyed, and all that touchdown did was end my season.  At least i got to stay up till the last minute of that awful game to watch my season go down the tubes!  You motherf’ers better bring it against Green Bay, at the very least to quiet down that smug Packer fan Harrison who’s been on  his high horse ever since their Superbowl win last year.  Which was really the best Superbowl run ever considering they won all their games on the road including beating Dallas in Dallas and Green Bay in Green Bay, as well as beat an undefeated team in the Superbowl to win it all!  Oh wait, that was the Giants. My bad.  And wasn’t it supposed to be impossible for the Giants to beat that undefeated team?  i guess we’ll see what happens this Sunday when we have to do it again….

-To all couples who sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant when it is only the two of you… f’n grow up already!  “Whoo hoo we’re so in love!  We need to sit next to each other when we’re out because that shows how much in love we are with each other!!!”  No it doesn’t.  It’s immature insecure garbage and you look like aholes.  And this is obviously the girls idea because no guy would ever suggest that.  Alright fine, some guys would but only guys that are complete pu$$ys that will do whatever lame ass bull$hit their girlfriend suggests.  But for us hetero guys, sitting right next to your girl when it is just the two of you is straight up awfulness.  Not to mention impractical because it’s a million times easier to talk so someone when you can look right across at them!  i don’t know if i personally know of any couples that submit to this horrific trend, but if i do please let me know so i can make sure to ignore you both forever.  When i see couples that do this i don’t want them to die but i do hope they get food poisoning and end up on the bowl for hours.  Hey, maybe you can find a bathroom with two toilet bowls right next to each other so you can hold hands while you deuce yourself to no end… now THAT is love!

Fast food tips…CORRECTION! Speaking of deucing yourself to no end, i need to make my first correction on my blog ever.   “Really, you’re not gonna go back and correct your murderously horrific grammar?”  No Harrison, i’m not.  But i did use this section to promote Taco Bell’s “Triple Steak Stack” a week or so ago before i actually tried it and i’ve regretted it ever since.  For real, it was a worse decision then Burgundy jumping into that bear pit.  But after hyping it up in my blog i figured i’d have to try it and let me just tell you my friends, this mushy disgusting pile of dog$hit was straight up absolute garbage.  If this was what Harrison ate before he gave up meat forever i’d finally understand his whole deal.  This thing is the WORST, and the only reason i even finished it was because it was gddamn $6.50!!!  And that didn’t include a drink or side!  So f*ck you T bell, i promoted that item once but never again.  Instead let me tell you to try the Chicken Crunchwrap supreme which is has “a warm, soft, flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, a crunchy tostada shell, reduced-fat sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes and then wrapped up and grilled for maximum portability.”  This item i’ve had and it is FANTASTIC.  Not as good as the “Spicy” Chicken Crunchwrap supreme which for some reason they are not selling anymore, but this delicious treat will make you forget about that steak disaster in no time.

“Facebook etiquette”- Listen, i know we are friends and i appreciate that you enjoy my pictures. But there is never a need to “like” EVERY single picture in one of my photo albums.  i get it already, you dig them.  You know there’s a way to just like the entire album instead of individually liking every single picture, right?  i log in and see that i have “39 New Notifications” and i get all fired up till i realize it is just you liking all 39 pics in my album.  Thanks for getting my hopes up that i’m popular jerkface, now i will go back to my reality of no one commenting on my witty status updates.

Speaking of Facebook, this Friday or by the latest Tuesday i will finally be unveiling the offical “Here Comes the Money” fan page on Facebook.  So you lazy f’ers that don’t sign up to be a follower can just “like” my page on Facebook!  And for real if you are too lazy for that go f yourself!  But like my page first please…

Thanks for reading everyone! And yes i’ll relax with the Harrison references from now on, i must have used 40 of them and even one is too many.  But have a great week and i will see you kids on Friday!
-miguel jo$é
…and oh yeah, my mom forgot to make the stuffing at Thanksgiving this year! Again!  At least this time she had it so it was a quick fix.  But still, even after i called her out on my last blog she still forgot it!  Although i’m starting to think maybe she isn’t forgetting and maybe she just really hates stuffing.  Or maybe she knows all those carbs are not good for us so she’s really looking out for the entire family?  If that’s the case then thanks Ma, you are the best!
But if it is just her forgetting then you are blowing it and stop trying to ruin our Thanksgiving! 😉

One Response to “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah". – Mitch Hedberg”

  1. Anonymous December 9, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

    I honestly think the funniest part about your blogs are when you include your mom. I love her and your comments about her are amazing!

    Stef =)


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