Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. "Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?" We do that everyday! "Oh. What if we eat a lot with people who annoy the hell out of us?" – Jim Gaffigan

22 Nov

What is up kids?

It’s my almost time for my most favorite holiday of the year!  No not Thanksgiving you silly goose, Black Friday!  Oh wait, sorry.  i mean “African American” Friday….

Oh wait, my apologies again.  What i meant to say is Black Friday has to be the all-time WORST day for this country year after year.  Is there any sadder display in this country then the way Americans act on Black Friday??  i mean besides how the New York Jets and Giants played this past weekend of course.  For real the Jets i expect to blow it, but the G-men??  Thanks for already ruining my Thanksgiving aholes!   Apparently when you missed the playoffs by one game last year after giving up the biggest lead ever in the 4th quarter to the Eagles… apparently that didn’t bother you too much in the offseason because when you had the chance to put the final nail in their coffin this year you $hit the bed worse then i do after researching my “Fast Food Tips”.  None Vick or Maclin and you still f’n blow it??  Oh and Jacobs you are absolute garbage as a running back.  Why don’t you go do MMA and try to use all that anger and rage in a fight?  You obviously don’t use any of that energy when running the ball.  Or maybe you just hold it in and use it after games to complain you don’t get the ball enough?  Either way because of that loss i will be thankful for nothing this Thursday.  Nothing!!!!

But anyways back to Black Friday.  This whole attitude of “i enjoyed the turkey and “quality” time with my family but Target has a sale at Midnight so Later Dicks!” is really crushing America.  And it hits me personally because i’ll be honest, no matter how many times my mom yells that each year it hurts a little bit more and more every time.  C’mon Sandy, your family should mean more to you then that…

Just kidding ma!  See i have to say just kidding because if i don’t she’ll think i’m serious.  Isn’t that the worst when people don’t get sarcasm and you have to say “just kidding” every time instead of them just getting it?  i just assume you guys know when i’m joking around on this blog but maybe i’ll say “just kidding” every time so people know i’m not serious.  Like how my last blog was really all bull$hit and i love girls older then 25 because they are more beautiful then ever and i respect their minds.  “Just Kidding!”

Speaking of my last blog did you all read it yet?  You should, it’s A+ material.

But yeah c’mon Black Friday, you are the f’n worst.  i mean sure it’s nice to get a cheap T.V. but someone has to sell it to you, and those people are miserable.  Could you imagine being one of these poor schlubs who has to ruin their holiday to go sell products to maniacs at all hours of the night/morning??  i’m sneaking into the kitchen to make my patented turkey, cheese, stuffing, apple pie and mayo/gravy sandwich at 4 am and little Jimmy who couldn’t afford to go to college has to deal with a Sara Palin wannabe but dumber whose heated at you because there are no more $80 IPad’s.  Like you had anything to do with it to begin with!! Trust me buddy, when i’m standing at the fridge in my boxers with crumbs and cranberry sauce falling down my face i am definitely thankful i am not you at that time.

Which brings us to Thanksgiving, which for real is my favorite holiday.  How can it not be?  None presents to get for anyone, no religious beliefs to divide people, it’s just families getting together and doing nothing but eating and watching T.V. and eating and napping and eating and passing out. Oh and all day football!! What is f’n better then that??  Although yeah i guess some of you moms have to do all the cooking and cleaning so you might not feel the same way.  But let’s be honest ladies, you are just not as lazy as us men.  The reason you do all that and we don’t is because we know you will do it.  It drives you nuts to not be in control and plan out all this stuff.  Plus you hate watching football anyways!  So it’s really win win for all involved.

But yeah i am mad thankful this Thanksgiving.  No i’m not gonna get all mushy Spiga, i’m not gonna follow last blog’s gem with more sensitive garbage.  i think i’m done with that angle anyways.  But i will say happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, and to my family who i can’t wait to spend time with this weekend.  And thank you in advance to my Mom who always makes the best holiday dinners!  Except the one year someone forgot the stuffing… what was that about?? i’m not blaming you ma but that was an affront to all of mankind.  For real people, my family forgets one big item a year and one year it was stuffing.  STUFFING!!  Lord have mercy.

But have a great holiday everyone and if you get trampled at a Black Friday sale i won’t feel bad because you kinda deserve it! And by kinda i mean you definitely deserve it!


-Before i finish this rant about how awful Black Friday is there is one other “holiday” this week that i absolutely despise and that’s the night before Thanksgiving.  Some people love the idea of going to their hometown to go their local dive bar that is now super crowded with aholes from highschool and paying for overpriced beers only to try and drive home later to avoid all the DWI stops every two seconds but for some reason i don’t.  Who wants to go out drinking on those nights?  i’m already i minority driving around in Bergen County, i’m going to try and push the limit even more?  And the best part of getting absolutely hammered the night before Thanksgiving is that when all that delicious food starts being put out the next day you don’t want any of it because your stomach hurts so much from throwing up all night and morning.  Way to ruin the holiday dickface!  Was it worth it?  No it wasn’t, which is why i hate the night before Thanksgiving.  And you should too, it’s for rookies just like New Years Eve.  But don’t even get me STARTED on New Years Eve…

-If you are not married but you celebrate “anniversary’s” for anything other then a year you are sad and lame.  “Whoo hoo 4 months!”  OMG that’s awesome!  We can tell everyone at the school dance on Friday!! Oh wait, we’re not in high school? Oh, maybe we should grow up then…   But yeah, we all know you want presents every month ladies but to pull this month anniversary crap is just garbage.  “But it’s romantic!”  No its not, being secure with somebody is.  And when you’re secure with something you don’t have to reinforce it every month with a meaningless anniversary.  Speaking of which this is my 80th blog!!  Congrats to me everyone!!! Buy me presents!!! 

-Oh, and while i’m lecturing couples…  It is NEVER okay to share a toothbrush.  Ever.  i don’t know what gives some of you the idea that just because you make love that makes it okay to do even more horrifically disgusting things to each other, but it’s not.  It’s not and never was.  “But we kiss, what’s the difference?”  The difference is when that when we’re making out and my johnson is at 12 o’clock the idea of sharing your juices is the hottest thing ever.  But if i’m getting ready for work and i see you shoving my toothbrush in your mouth when we BOTH know how bad your morning breath is the idea of then using that toothbrush right after you makes me want to vomit…which defeats the purpose because then i’d just have to brush my teeth again anyway!  But yeah having dirty nasty sex in the bedroom does NOT mean i want to bring those dirty habits into the bathroom.  And definitely not on my toothbrush!

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Well personally this week it was Hakeem Nicks and Wes Welker who are MURDERING me lately. These fools were tearing it up at the beginning of the year but lately they are kinda garbage hence my losing streak.  But this weeks’ guy who f*cked me goes to someone who f’d my buddy Rob’s team and that’s Dwayne Bowe.  C’mon ahole, you couldn’t get 10 points??  We watched that entire game last night down to the last second because if he scored 10 points Rob would clinch a playoff spot, kick a kid out of the playoffs and win a case of beer.  But instead Bowe only scored 8 points and he lost all of that.  And we had to stay up and watch that entire awful game!  So thanks for f*cking Rob Dwayne Bowe , and i’m glad i traded you off of both of my teams because you are garbage.  Hopefully my getting Rob the “Just one of the Guys” movie soundtrack for his birthday makes him feel better.  And yes his birthday was a month ago but i had to order that CD from the UK so lay off me!

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL- “Hey is there where all the dicks hang out?”

Thanks to Mark G for remembering that old favorite from high school.

Fast food tips: Thanksgiving Edition! First of all i know what you’re thinking.  “Fast Food Tips??  On Thanksgiving?  C’mon guy, who eats fast food on Thanksgiving??”  Um, only the classiest and smartest motherf’ers around kids!  Because what is the one thing that you feel is missing at every Thanksgiving dinner?  i’ll give you a hint… it’s White Castle!  But what if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  “Holy S miguel i’d crap my pants in glee!”  Well you’re in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle’s website i give you the recipe for “White Castle Turkey Stuffing!” 

1991 Cookoff Winner

10 White Castle hamburgers, no pickles
1 1/2 cups celery, diced
1 1/4 tsp. ground thyme
1 1/2 tsp. ground sage
3/4 tsp. coarsely ground black pepper
1/4 cup chicken broth
In a large mixing bowl, tear the burgers into pieces and add diced celery and seasonings. Toss and add chicken broth. Toss well. Stuff cavity of turkey just before roasting. Makes about 9 cups (enough for a 10- to 12-pound turkey). Note: Allow 1 hamburger for each pound of turkey, which will be the equivalent of 3/4 cup of stuffing per pound.
So to all of you who have thought, “i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer”  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that… MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog. 
Man how good have my blogs been lately?  Fantastic right?  It only took about 80 blogs before i found my stride, but i hit it well and it feels great. 
And i hope you all enjoyed my one blog for the week because i am taking off again this Thursday so i can put back on all the weight i lost in my diet for the last month.  But have a great holiday everyone, make sure you are thankful for those people that you are lucky enough to have in your life and enjoy a nice long weekend!
Cya Tuesday! – miguel jo$é

One Response to “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. "Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?" We do that everyday! "Oh. What if we eat a lot with people who annoy the hell out of us?" – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Anonymous December 8, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    Oh My God, I finally got to read this one. Definitely one of my favs. Love the part about your mom leaving to go to target, legit laughed outloud =)

    stef =)


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