You know how sometimes you have a song going through your head over and over all day long, maybe even two or three days? And it’s driving you crazy because you can’t get it out of your mind? Well, I know how to fix that. It’s extreme, but it works every time. You kill yourself. – George Carlin

15 Nov

What is up kids?

MAN that Adele song “Someone like you” is some catchy bull$hit!  i heard that song on the radio Monday morning and i literally still cannot get it out of my dome. Although all i need to do is read today’s quote and follow the advice and problem solved!  Carlin was more of a prophet then a comedian that’s for sure.  It sucks that he’s gone, i wish there was a way to bring him back.  But never mind, i’ll find someone like you…. Dammit!
But anyways… did you kids miss me while i was gone?  “You were gone?  Where did you go? i didn’t even notice you were gone!”  Yeah yeah, i know you didn’t notice.  Sometimes i forget that just because i love this relationship that we have that doesn’t mean you have to return those feelings back.  It’s kinda like how sometimes i think i write the funniest jokes and/or blog ever and no one else thinks that way but me.  It can be heartbreaking when you feel so strongly about something but your feelings are only returned with indifference.  i feel like the older i get the better i’ve learned to deal with those situations.  But like they say, sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead.  Wait, again??  Gdamn Adele!!!!
And i have to be honest,  it actually bothered me more then i thought it would to skip a blog.  If i you thought i could go without writing one with no problem you are wrong.  These two pages of nonsense i drop a week is something i truly look forward too whether anyone else cares or not. And i love writing this even though working on this blog is a full time job.  Because for real, i am ALWAYS on the look out for new material.  “i notice you didn’t say funny material!”  Touche dickface.
But if i haven’t done so yet,  i really want to tell you how much this blog means to me.  i’ve done a lot of writing in my life, and for the longest time i’ve wanted to be a stand up comic or any sort of comedian really. And those are definitely still dreams of mine but the reality is i know this blog probably won’t be my calling for the rest of my life.  And that’s fine, i’ve accepted that.  But i can also honestly say that from the day i started this blog my life has changed for the better.  i always have the best time when i’m writing it, and it’s literally the funniest work i’ve ever done in my life.  Just having this blog has made me a better person, and i honestly cannot stress enough how important it is to me.  Even just being away for a little bit i missed it bad.  Hell, maybe taking that break was enough to make realize that i don’t want to go through anything like that again anytime soon (except for Thanksgiving!)

But for the time we has left ( because lets be honest this can’t go on forever), i really want to cherish this blog as much as possible.  And if you learn anything today other then the lyrics to that Adele song which i’m sure you know already, i hope you realize how much this relationship means to me.  Even if i’m away for a week i hope you know i don’t go too long without thinking about it, and most times when i think about i can’t help but smile.  Because no matter what else i have going on in my life, whether it be my awful job or bills or any of that other kind of bull$hit that sucks in life, just the thought that i found something like this when everything else is going so $hitty… it’s really an amazing thing to have.  i just hope you can appreciate my feelings even though it’s obvious you all can’t return them.

So basically what i’m really saying is how am i still only at 31 followers??  i thought i’d be at 50 by the time i got back!

And i know this whole rant probably came out of nowhere, but to be honest most of them do.  But this had to be said, and i hope you know i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.  But i couldn’t stay away, i couldn’t fight it.  i had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over yet…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-If you are sitting “shotgun” for a long trip, you really only have one job.  No, not the radio jerk, you need to stay awake!  That’s it!  And is that really that hard? You’ve already got the best seat in the house.  You get to sit up front and can control the radio and have all the advantages of being up front without any of the responsibilities that come with driving!  But the one thing you do need to do is stay awake, if only for the drivers sake.  i mean for real, this guy will go through all the trouble of dealing with traffic and aholes on the road and tolls and maniacs and you can’t do them the favor of staying awake?  That’s some selfish $hit buddy, even for a lowlife then you.  It’s hard enough to drive and do all that stuff without looking over at your passed out ahole friend enjoying dream land.  And i hope it’s a good one buddy because when i drive over those rumble strips to wake your dumb a$$ up i will not feel bad at ALL…

And thanks to Jen V for letting me know what those things are called cause i had no idea!

Oh and also thanks to Jen V for being the best ever 🙂

-i really don’t like cops.  And i know that’s a tough thing to say, because i know a ton of them and a bunch of girls i know date and/or are married to cops.  i will also say that in my lifetime i’ve met about 3 or 4 decent ones.  Plus when it comes down to it they really are here to protect us and if you don’t break the law you should never really have a problem with them.  So not liking cops can be a tough thing to admit in public because most people support cops.  If you hate cops you might as well say “i don’t support the troops!”  while you’re at it.  And i don’t know if it’s because i’m a minority living in Bergen County, NJ, or because  i have a tendency to break the law from time to time or daily.  But for the most part i just don’t dig them.  At all.  Maybe it’s because i have never gotten out of a ticket EVER.  Most of my white friends are like “i got pulled over for doing 85 in a 40 but he just gave me a slight warning and after he helped wash my windows he cheerily let me go on my way!”  Alright fine no one’s ever said that but they might as well have. Maybe it’s my fault for always being pulled over by bald guido meatheads who haven’t stopped bullying people since the 2nd grade.  i’m sure that can’t help my feelings towards cops.

And now that i think about it, my feelings on cops are probably worth an entire rant so i won’t try to fit that all in now.  But just in case i die today let it be known that i’m not a fan of cops.  And no i’m not gonna die when i kill myself because of that Adele song

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… How about the Minnesota Vikings F’n go F themselves?  What’s the point of having Adrian Peterson if they are going to be down 40 points and never run?  Oh wait, let me correct that.  They did decide to run the ball, but instead of using the best back in football they gave it to their injury prone migraine having wide receiver Percy Harvin who is straight garbage.  Thanks for that Minnesota, give him carries so that i end up losing my fantasy game by 1 F*CKING POINT.  And i lost to a greasy italian which makes it worse, Gdamn that Santino Cobra strike! Haha good game meatball, i will see you in the playoffs.

-How come Gatorade doesn’t mix well with vodka?  i don’t get it, if you have flavored vodka and flavored Gatorade, and then mix the two together you get a taste that is a combination of hangover and ass.  Do any chemists read my blog that can explain why these two do not go together?  “Chemists???  Half of your readers aren’t even literate, they just come to your site for the occasional new fast food sandwich pic or the random hot girls you post!”  Really?  Well let it never be said that i don’t give the crowd what they want.  So here’s a pic of Kate Upton as well as the new Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack!

Fast food tips- -Described as a “warm, soft flat bread layered with a triple portion of 100% USDA select marinated grilled steak and a delicious melted three cheese blend”, the new Taco Bell triple steak not only offers triple the steak but also triple the amount of bathroom breaks you will need to make.  i haven’t had it yet but i think i’m gonna pick it up on the way home along with some Rolaids and 12 pack of Cottonelle with Aloe and a bible to both read and pray with while on the bowl.  And i’d like to point out that even though i’m Mexican and Dominican this is my first Taco Bell reference.  You’re welcome.
“Facebook etiquette”- Never comment on a hot girls status on Facebook.  First of all, she doesn’t care and it won’t get you laid.  In fact, if it does anything it will probably make you look even more like a creep.  But for some reason guys like to comment on hot girls Facebook pages, and if you are one of them then ALL of the notifications you receive will be from other creepy dudes who also posted a comment on that same girls status.  So just don’t do it creepo!  Unless your comment is one in a million and lets be honest there’s a 99% chance that it won’t be, just shut your trap and save yourself the hassle of being excited over the “35 new notifications!” that are just other dudes being as lame as you.

ANNNNNNNNNNND i’m spent.  Man that blog was fantastic, if that won’t get me any more followers nothing will.  Well maybe actually doing work and trying to spread the work might help but i am a LAAAAAAZY “Mexican!” man.  Besides everyday i don’t normally ask for everyone’s help with that but if not for this one MY NEXT BLOG ON FRIDAY MIGHT BE MY BEST RANT EVER.  i know i’ve kinda discussed my theory on the “wall” before, which is basically a theory i have about all girls peaking at 24.  But on Friday i’m gonna explain it so ladies get your hate mail ready!  Unless of course you are under 24, then you won’t mind what i write at all. 🙂

It’s good to be back, see you kids Friday! – miguel jo$é

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