I want you to take the Frankenstein $hit, the deer $hit, the Green Monster, the bling, and the bling-bling, and I want you to roll it all into one joint. "No one’s ever been brave enough to try that." One man is. Roll it. – Alex "Grandma’s Boy"

8 Nov


I’ll smoke it with you bro, we’ll go to the looney bin together i don’t give a f*ck. – Dante, “Grandma’s Boy”

What is up kids?

Have i night used a “Grandma’s Boy” quote to start off my blog yet?  Probably not, Man am i blowing it.  Oh well.  But anyways… holy S are you guys still fired up from the Giants win on Sunday??  i know i am, just thinking about it i went from six to midnight.  Alright maybe not midnight, more like 11:15.  But give me a break, the win did happen 2 days ago at this point.  Trust me, on Sunday night it was like someone was holding a compass at the North Pole.  i don’t know if that joke made sense but it definitely sounded funny.  And notice i didn’t take the obvious “north pole” angle either.  For real, some of you need to grow up.

What the balls am i talking about?  G-men baby, what else? Football is great because a win on Sunday can make your entire week better.  i literally won’t let my job get to me until at least Wednesday, but part of me will still be happy thinking about that game last Sunday.  Forget it, who am i kidding?  i am still fired up from the Superbowl win from 2007 which is easily the high point of my life!  Which is different then the highest point in my life, that would have to go to linden hall in Jewell’s room for one of our Super “Bowls”.  Oh college….

And speaking of that Superbowl in 2007 who did the Giants beat then?  Oh that’s right, it was the up to that point undefeated Patriots once again.  Why does Tom Brady even try to beat the G-men?  i figured he’d give it up by now.  i mean he’s won Superbowls, he’s a definite Hall of Famer and he married a supermodel.  If the one thing he can’t get in life is a win over the Giants he should consider himself lucky.  So cheer up Tommy Boy.

So it’s been awhile but today was one of those waking up hungover throwing up in the tub during my shower kinda mornings.  i didn’t think i was that bombed but when the first person to see me at work goes “rough night, huh?” i guess i’m not playing it off as well as i thought i was.  i didn’t eat anything last night which is what the problem was.  Well that and 3 vodka drinks and 2 car bombs and 3 beers, which overall doesn’t sound too impressive but whatever i boozed heavy on Sunday and it’s a Monday night so lay off me i’m starving.  That’s for Miceli, the original Tommy Boy.

One question before i bounce, that yellow stuff i throw up after drinking that’s bile right? That like thin yellowish thread that i puke that’s this bitter sour flavor, that’s 100% bile i’m guessing?  Or do i have a serious problem?  i have a serious problem?  Yeah i figured, oh well.  On to the nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Hey super skinny guys with a high metabolism… go f yourself.  “Whoo hoo i’m a guy but i can eat whatever i want whenever i want and i’ll still stay built like an 8 year old girl!”  And yes that’s almost kind of hot but honestly us real men hate you.  And they are always so judgmental, like when then see people eat garbage food they always shake their head in disgust.  Listen you skinny f*ck, you won the genetic lottery as far as metabolism goes.  If i had to choose between that or being fantastic in bed like i am i’d rather keep this spare tire around my waste and make sure my lady goes to sleep satisfied every night.  You enjoy your skinny jeans and looking good in a t-shirt at all times and i’ll stick to love making and other things i’m good at. 

-i could never marry a girl who doesn’t give bl0wjobs.  Do those kinds of girls still exist? i’m guessing they have to, there’s all sorts of nutty broads on this planet.  But yeah for real, zero bjs?  You are definitely not getting a ring from me.  Or maybe i would marry her but i would definitely end up cheating on her. With a girl who gave bl0w jobs.  Maybe she could marry one of those super skinny guys and they can have awful children together.  See how i brought that last joke back into this one?  That’s called a callback, and it’s usually done better and funnier and normally the guy making the callback doesn’t explain it while he does it.  Normally.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL – i’m no doctor but that sure looks like Cancer!

Ouch, that’s a rough one.  But it is true, i would not like to hear that at a urinal.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Vincent Jackson can suck my b@lls.  You get 3 TD’s the week i play you after a season of nothing?  Oh and thanks McFadden, can you be out the week i’m playing against everyone who has Michael Bush on the bench?  You too Ryan Mathews, thanks for letting Tolbert owners have someone to play against me as well.  So f*ck all you guys for f*cking me i f*cking hate all of you.  F*cking fantasy football f*cking sucks.

Fast food tips– i haven’t had it yet but as soon as i heard about this next fast food item i had to change my shorts.  The item in question is a breakfast sandwich from Hardees called the “Hardees Double-loaded Omelet Biscuit. Originally called the “Bowel Blaster”, at a healthy 800 calories it contains three types of breakfast meat – bacon, sausage, and ham- all on top of a buttery biscuit.  Plus i’ve heard if you eat one of these bad boys you will butter your own biscuits in deuce.  And yes that is a disgusting description but i’m trying to do you a favor since i know as soon as you see the picture you will go out and get one immediately….

if i ate that and ended up dying on the bowl afterwards covered in shame and sweat i would not regret it one bit.

Well that’s it for me kids, and i mean for the week not just today.  i am officially taking my first break since i started this blog, and it could not be coming at a better time because i am SPENT.  All these genius thoughts and fantastic ha ha’s got me beat, so hopefully if i rest up for a hot one and clear out my dome i will be back next Tuesday better then ever! Alright i seriously doubt that last part but i can 100% say i will be back!

But have a great week everyone, hopefully this gives some of you a chance to catch up on the blogs you missed which is probably around 70 or so at this point.  Although maybe i don’t want you going back and reading my old stuff and realizing how many of the same jokes i use again and again.  (i’ll save you the suspense, it’s around 85% recycled material and 15 % plagiarized.) 

And hopefully when i’m gone a few more of you will also decide to become followers because for real i haven’t had a new one in FOREVER.  True, i haven’t made it worth it by putting out anything good but still hopefully a couple of you will join before i get back and make me happy.  Or you won’t and go f yourself!  But seriously follow me.  Or go f yourself.

Have a great week everyone, cya on 11/15!  – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “I want you to take the Frankenstein $hit, the deer $hit, the Green Monster, the bling, and the bling-bling, and I want you to roll it all into one joint. "No one’s ever been brave enough to try that." One man is. Roll it. – Alex "Grandma’s Boy"”

  1. Anonymous November 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    It's not bile. It's ur stomach acid. It's acid that's why it kinda tastes like orange juice. Bile would prob taste worse. -JJ

    Like

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