Halloween is only 3 days away. I’ll start practicing the lying now. “Great costume! No, I get! You made that yourself? Very creative!” – Jim Gaffigan

28 Oct

What is up trick or treaters?

Man i LOOOOOOOOOVE me some Halloween!  It’s by far my favorite holiday except for Thanksgiving and my birthday.  i’ve been getting into costumes for as long as i can remember!  And sometimes i even dress up on Hallow…

Ugh, was that the most predictable punch line ever?  Imagine i wrote like that??  Who would read this?  Not me, i’d like to think i’m better then that.  Speaking of better did anyone read Tuesday’s blog?  It’s funny, the ones i write that i think are just okay people love and the ones i put a ton of effort in trying to be money i get zero comments.  “You’re forgetting those of us who think none of them are funny and only read them because you constantly come up to me and go “Did you ready today’s blog?” and i feel awkward saying no EVERY time because i work with you and i feel like you act like you expect me too!”  Wow, that may be the best sentence i have ever written in this blog…

Anyways, Halloween is almost here!  The reason Halloween is my favorite because it’s all about candy and acting like a little kid which i feel much more comfortable doing then this whole “grown up” bull$hit i’m forced to do lately.  And yes all the girls dress super slutty and for some reason it’s okay by everyone, but it’s not just about that.  Alright fine it is just about that.  Why don’t you grab these candy corn??!  Trick or treat for Unicef!

Alright none of this makes sense, but who cares it’s f’n Halloween!  Oh and just for the record, it is SO stereotypical to just dress “slutty” for Halloween.  So this year i refuse to do it…

Have you ever been to the Village for the Halloween parade on Halloween night?  If you haven’t you are missing one wacky gameshow, that scene is f’n INSANE.  i don’t mean the actual parade, because to be honest in my over 10 years of going to the Village on Halloween i’ve never seen the actual parade once. Although from what i hear it’s pretty gay.  But all the bars are pizzacked with drunken aholes all dressed up, it’s basically like St. Patty’s day but it’s at nighttime, and instead of people wearing all green they are all wearing crazy costumes.  But yeah on St Patty’s just the bars are insane, in the Village on Halloween the entire town is a drunken maddening disaster!

For any of you that have been to the Village on Halloween you know everything i’m saying almost doesn’t give it justice.  It’s like trying to explain Vegas to someone who has only been to AC or Mohegan sun or any of those ghetto places that aren’t Vegas.  But even when i don’t make it to the city, i love going to house parties Halloween weekend.  It’s fun to hang out when everyone can just be a kid again, and f’n relax for a hot minute about their dumb grown up life.  Yeah yeah you have a kid, you have a mortgage, you’re planning your wedding and you shouldn’t get so bombed anymore… Remember prancing around your grade school in your awful costume year after year?  Using a pillowcase to collect candy and planning out your route around town to make sure you got the most candy possible? Or remember when Halloween fell on a SATURDAY?!?  Holy S those were the best Halloweens ever!  i’d be trick or treating at like 7 am haha, that was better then Disney World!  Alright let’s not get crazy here…

All i’m saying is for years growing up Halloween was mad fun, and i’m just somebody who refuses to let it stop being that way.  “Whoo hoo, i’m so mature i can’t dress up anymore!  That’s for kids!”  Grow up ahole, we’re still gddman kids.  Being a kid is all about not having any real responsibilities, and you’re allowed to let yourself feel like that once in awhile.  So for real, don’t make this the year you don’t do anything.  Don’t not get a costume because you feel silly or ridiculous, you’re supposed to feel that way!  And who f’n cares? No one does on Halloween, so you shouldn’t either.  Get dressed up, go to that party, go to that bar, go f’n do something.  And have fun!   Or don’t, because when has making fun memories ever been something you regretted not doing?


-One more thing i need to mention about Halloween, and that is the idea of a “couples” costume.  You may think i’d be against this idea but i’m here to tell you… yeah they are pretty f’n pathetic.  It has to be a REALLY money idea, and most couples are too lame to pull that off.  Personally i’ve always hoped to find a woman who dress as an INS Officer and me as an illegal immigrant.  Although technically i woudn’t need a costume for that…   But yeah if you are going for the “couples” theme for Halloween let me know just tell you that you are probably going to blow it, you are probably going to be lame, and i’m probably going to hate you.  And by probably i mean you are so f’n lame, you blew it and i hate you!

-When someone buys a new car, does anyone still throw change in the back?  Isn’t that supposed to be good luck? i think originally the point was the throw money in the back so if the car broke down and you had to call a cab at a pay phone you’d have a change, so it was kind of like saying “break a leg” before a show.  Does anyone do this anymore?  i don’t think anyone does but they should, i think it’s kinda money.  Oh and for the baby girls who read this that don’t know what a pay phone is thank you for that.  No seriously, thank you, your ignorance and youth is the hottest thing ever.

-Can someone please kill the Free credit report.com bands?  The first song sucked balls but it was kinda catchy, if you were most of douchebag America of course.  But they are on like version number 7 because they think there commercial and songs are such a hit!  They are not.  i f’n hate you and i wish horrible things to the bands that play these songs.  i hope you and the kid who sings that 1877CARSFORKID song also die.  Wait, there’s a new version of that commercial too with another awful song???  You know what, don’t waste time killing all those people in those commercials.  Please just put a bullet in my head and end it already, thanks!

Fast food tips- In the “food you can’t get in this country, probably because of Obama” section at Burger King, there is a meal you need to know about.  And by meal i mean before you eat this disaster make sure to put in PTO at work for at least 2 hours because that is how long you will be on the bowl afterwards.  It is called the “Trio Supremo” and it is only sold in Brazil.  It comes with chicken nuggets, onion rings, and french fries smothered in cheddar cheese and bacon bits.  At a casual 1072 calories i’m guessing this is what keeps Brazilian women’s asses so fantastically plump.  Anyways this meal needs to come to America ASAP, make sure to write your Congressman or woman!

“Facebook etiquette”- Ladies, this is a BIG weekend for you on Facebook.  Obviously we can’t hang out with all of you but we can see what slutty little outfit you chose for a costume if you put it up on Facebook.  Everyone does it, you’d be far from the only one.  And if you don’t put one up people are just gonna think it’s cause you didn’t look hot, and you don’t want people to think that, do you?  Or at the very least they will think you are a loser that either didn’t go out to a party or weren’t invited to any or both.  So don’t blow it ladies, put those pictures up this weekend.  Be proud of your hot little costume, and i promise i will only creep on your page with my eyes and i won’t be dumb enough to make horrible comments that will make you want to take them down.  i can’t speak for the rest of my “species” though, guys are the worst and always blow it.  Stupid guys.

-So do all of you watch Tosh.0? Even though you should i kinda hope you don’t because i steal half my $hit from him.  Haha no i don’t, it’s actually a combo of him, Carlin and Chris Rock.  Anyways he showed a bunch of scary (and by scary i mean f’n disgusting) videos for Halloween and the joke was set up by showing scarier and scarier pictures and videos till he finally ended the bit with a picture of Christina Aguilera as the surprise.  The joke i’m doing for today’s blog is original because i’m telling you off the bat that i’m going to show you a picture of Christina Aguilera, so zero element of surprise. So instead of showing a bunch of pics and Christina as the punchline i’m explaining the punchline before the final joke which is just fantastic comedy.  And i know you must be thinking the only way this horrifically set up joke works is if the picture is that scary.  So judge for yourself please…

Now THAT’S f’n scary!
Happy Halloween everyone!
-miguel jo$e

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