We don’t have a substance abuse problem. If anything we have a "Subway" abuse problem, we DESTROY five dollar footlongs. – Blake "Workaholics"

25 Oct

What is up kids?

So i took a few days off from work, some of it was to clear my mind grapes but more importantly just to get the F away for a hot one.  It’s funny though, as soon as i told anyone i took off a few days the question i got most was “are you doing anything?”  i would say 90% of people i told asked me that, maybe higher.  And i guess i’m not shocked, it seems like a logical question.  i think most normal people like to “do” things and do stuff and do stuff and things.

But for real i had zero plan.  Other then looking at how much time i had saved off and thinking “Later Dicks!” i really had zero plans with what to do with myself.  i will say i did a fair amount of boozing and got to watch the Pearl Jam “Twenty” documentary which was f’n fantastic.  i’m jealous M Diaz got to watch that in the theater, she is such a bigger Pearl Jam fan then me!  And her crush on Eddie Vedder is only slightly more then mine, she would definitely sleep with him and i would only cuddle and/or open mouth kiss him, tops.  But before you judge me, have you heard him sing “Low Light”, live at Benaroya Hall?  Because if you haven’t heard that go check it out on the interwebs and tell me you wouldn’t want to put your lips on the mouth of that angel.  It’s just a kiss, grow up already.

But yeah i also got kind of a different hair cut and am growing a goatee again. Mostly because i’m just sick of my face.  Do you ever just get sick of your own face?  i mean you have to look at the same one basically your whole life.  So yeah i did that and i also bought a new pair of sneakers and 3 Kenneth Cole Reaction shirts.  Thanks Macys’ 1-Day Sale!  Sometimes it’s money to buy yourself some $hit, even if you’re a dude.  And i’m not positive but i’m pretty sure i just admitted i would make out with Vedder and i spent my weekend shoe shopping and bought shirts all on the same blog.  And yes i did that but all of that is okay, becaues i’m gay.  Gay as in happy, not like i’m into man ass.  Because honestly, who is?  Besides straight chicks and gay dudes i mean.  Which i’m not.

So yeah i did all of that and i worked on the new look for my blog, so here it is.  Don’t say it looks “money” because first of all i obviously know that and secondly i will lose respect for you for making such an easy joke.  But yeah it does kinda look money, no doubt.  And after a slight delay we now return to our regularly scheduled funny comedy again and none of the whiny bitching!  All it took was a little purge and i am back on track kids!  And no i don’t mean purging all over my toilet and bathroom floor, although i’m not saying that i don’t not also mean that.  Suck on all those negatives Harrison!  But yeah after reassessing my position for a hot one let’s just say i remembered how money i am.  Did any of that make sense?  Haha probably not but i’m over it.  Cause i’m the money, and so is my new site!

RANDOM NONSENSE


-For my money the best game to get girls drunk is flip cup, hands down.  First of all they all love it, and secondly it’s really the only game they’ll play anyway.  They won’t play beer pong, or if they do they are always awful at it.  At best they will be not the worst.  But you can always get a ton of girls to play flip cup.  It’s a very quick game, it’s easy to play and you don’t really drink that much.  In theory anyways, because sure a quick “sip” before flipping that cup isn’t much but the game only lasts 15 seconds and once it’s over the losing team wants a rematch immediately.  So once you play 10 or so games in a row most of these girls are “bombed”or in other words mission accomplished.  No one even keeps score, you just kinda keep playing and playing switching people in and out so everyone gets bombed.  And oh yeah for the record, guys should never play flip cup if it’s just guys. Or even mostly guys for that matter.  Any guy that is down to play flip cup when it’s not to get a bunch of girls drunk is one shady motherf*cker.  But anyways thank you girls for playing flip cup, you are the money.

-The phrase “barely legal”, is kinda misleading.  i mean, the girl is either legal or she’s illegal, i don’t find the need to distinguish between the two.  Basically what i’m saying is if i’m a dating a girl who is really young there is no need to tell me she is barely legal, she’s legal and that is all that really matters.  The law is the law, and i’m a law abiding citizen.  Except for maybe some of the stuff i do.  But not the girls i date, it’s totally legal gddamnit!

-i could give less of a flying f*ck about the World Series but i do believe the Texas Rangers shouldn’t wear red on their home uniforms, at least not against the Cardinals.  i mean Cardinals are red, i’m not as skilled in bird law as say Charlie Kelly on “Always Sunny”, but i do know Cardinals the birds are gddamn red.  And if i put on the World Series i expect the red team to be the Cardinals.  Can you even get that right baseball?  You really are the worst.  Except for the NBA, that is DEFINITELY worse.  Way to strike dicks.

-i think the Alice in Chains album “Sap” is one of the all-time best albums to listen to when it’s raining.  “Jar of Flies” gets honorable mention for this as well.  Nirvana “Unplugged” is also way up their as is Beck “Mutations”.  But when you think about it, isn’t there a Beck album that is perfect for all situations?  The answer you’re looking for is yes.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… This week it was running back Earnest Graham, who i had starting in ALL THREE G-DAMN LEAGUES!  Thanks ahole, can you get hurt in the first quarter without anyone even touching you? Oh wait you did do that?  Good thing i thanked you.  Mother gdamn f*cker you really f’d me, so much that this is my new column going forward.  So honestly for real, thank you.  And go F yourself for f*cking me.  Some of you may be wondering why i didn’t list McFadden or Beanie Wells or any of the other aholes that got hurt. Well it’s because they are not on my fantasy team, go get your own blog.

Fast food tips- Guess who’s back, back again? McRib’s back, tell a friend.  That’s right kids, for some reason McDonalds is bringing these tasty treats back through November 14th so get them while they’re hot.  And yes by hot i mean lukewarm from the McDonalds microwave.  And yes when i said “tasty treats” that was also my nickname when i was a dishwasher at that gay club.  Is that joke more offensive for being gay or racist?  “It’s more offensive for not being funny!”  But i did tell you that the McRib is back. “Touche you moody bitch, thanks for the heads up!”  You’re welcome.

One other tip on the McRib, whatever you do only order one.  Of course you wanna order like 3 or 5 of them because of how rare they are but trust me, you will regret it immediately.  And i don’t even mean for the inevitible disaster that will occur in your bowel, i mean the second one is always more dissapointing then the first one.  The first McRib you are like “OMG this is so good! i miss these so much the should bring them back for good!”  And then you start the second one and all of a sudden you realize how awful the meat is and how if the sandwich isn’t slothered in BBQ sauce it’s a chewy disgusting mess and all the good feelings you had for the first one will be gone.  So yeah only get on McRib is your bonus Fast Food Tip for today.

That’s it for me today kids.  i guess this isn’t the “finished” look for the site because i can’t get all the fonts and stuff to look exactly how i want but this is as finished as it gets for now.  But i hope you enjoyed today’s blog, i thought it was pretty funny.  Cya Friday! – miguel jo$é
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One Response to “We don’t have a substance abuse problem. If anything we have a "Subway" abuse problem, we DESTROY five dollar footlongs. – Blake "Workaholics"”

  1. Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 6:34 am #

    The CHANGE is a good look

    Like

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