Dear guy who started fantasy football, thanks for making me sad and suicidal on Mondays. Making hang overs a thousand times worse. (or maybe I shouldn’t have drafted a $hit team) – Nick Swardson

18 Oct

What is up kids?

i am hungover like Fantana as i write this today but for once in my miserable life it is worth it.  Big Giants victory on Sunday!  You can spend all the money you want on stuff for tailgaiting and boozing and the best seats in the house, but if your team does not win it almost makes it all not worth it. 

But yeah i went to the game and they won so happy f’n day.  i took the train in which is actually really money, i mean $6.50 round trip?  The train runs right by my house so you can’t beat it.  Plus you can booze on the train which i totally find awesome.  Personally, i find a good beer to drink before 9:30 am is Coors light.  i’m not a huge Coors light fan by any means but since it is basically water anyway it really is the perfect breakfast beer.  i don’t do mimosa’s. i’m not sure why but it seems like a chick drink to me.  And OJ wrecks my stomach with all that acid so you can have it.  “Does it burn your vagina too?”  As it matter of fact yes it does so blow me.

i think i already did my tailgate rant so i’ll relax on how great tailgating is today but man tailgaiting is the best!  i literally said on Sunday while walking through the parking lot with my friends, beer in hand as the sun beats down with a cool breeze on my face and everyone grilling and boozing and playing that beanbag game as i try to find a port a potty that doesn’t have an hour and a half line that this is my most favorite thing in life to do.  It’s definitely more fun then the actual game which i have to admit i don’t remember half of it.

It’s so funny to watch the highlights of a football game that you went to.  i swear, i got home and saw the highlights on ESPN and it was like watching the game for the first time.   “Wait, what happened?  Corey Webster had 2 interceptions?  There was a blocked field goal?  There was a pantsless Mexican who got tackled on the field and halftime?  That was me??”  i’ll be honest though, i don’t go to games to pay attention.  i go to booze heavily and yell at the other teams fans.  Although you almost feel bad yelling at Bills fans, because honestly that franchise is so pathetic it’s like bullying a 4 year old.  i mean first of all, they aren’t really New York.  Buffalo is more like lower Canada then upstate New York.  But yeah losing 4 superbowls in a row?  i can’t imagine not committing suicide after the 3rd one let alone live to see them lose 4 in a row.  At the very least i would just give up watching football or choose another team.  But whatever, what else can you do in a city that cold but freeze your a$$ off, go to Wegmans and watch football?  And we actually saw some fan wearing a big buffalo wing hat.  Cause get it?? They are from Buffalo so why not wear a buffalo wing hat!!  That is a rough situation you got there guy, you’re already a Canadian reject with no Superbowl Rings so why make your situation worse?

i will say i hate the crowd inside the stadium now.  It’s mostly people who can afford tickets so basically they are rich white aholes who don’t want you standing up and cheering at all during the game.  Because that’s cool, who wants a homefield advantage?  Besides all the other teams in the NFL i mean.  It sucks to watch a game somewhere else and see all these rowdy cheering fans, then you go to a Giants game and people are yelling at you to sit during huge 3rd downs.  i don’t think you need to stand up the entire game but it should be known people need to stand up for 3rd downs.  And if you’d rather watch the game sitting the entire time without people cheering or getting rowdy i know the perfect place, it’s called your house and you should watch the game there you miserable old F.

But yay football, yay Giants, and boo fantasy football because i suck balls except for one league.  But otherwise yay football.  Oh and boo to my job.


-One of my least favorite things about throwing up after boozing besides the obvious is that i throw up so hard that the blood vessels in my face pop.  And i definitely ain’t no doctor but i’m imagining that can’t be good.  i am also SUPER loud when i huke, i mean like people out in the street must be wondering what God awful thing could be happening to the person who sounds like they are dying.  But yeah if you ever see me and i have these bloodshot raccoon eyes with splotches all over my face there is a good chance i just threw my lungs up all over the place.  Actually there is a 100% chance that just happened. 

-i don’t dig flavored cream cheese.  None of them.  “Would you like to try our hazelnut raspberry sun-dried tomato veggie walnut cream cheese today?”  No thanks you flashy basterd, hit me up with some basic philly CC please.  i’m the same way with my coffee too.  i don’t need a grande mocha cinnamon dolce java chip espresso tazo chai iced salted caramel peppermint macchiato frappuccino.  Can i just get a gddamn regular bold coffee with cream and sugar?  i take my bagels and coffee the way i like my women, low maintenance.  Some of you really need to calm down on your breakfast habits. 

Fast food tips- Currently i do not have plans to move to Japan, but after hearing the sandwich that they offer at the Burger King in Japan i might just have to do so.  The sandwich i speak of is called “The Meat Monster”, which besides being my college girlfriends nickname looks and sounds like pure heaven.  It’s basically a burger topped with cheese, bacon, onions, tomatoes, and on top they also throw on a chicken breast.  Personally i believe a better name for this sandwich would be the “BK Orgasm” but yeah Meat Monster works too.  i don’t know why this sandwich has not made it to the states yet but i’m hoping this delicious disaster drops here like a Pearl Harbor attack immediately.  What, too soon?

LATER DICKS! –Starting in January 2012, Nazi Germany, wait sorry… i mean Bank of America is going to start charging $5 a month for using your ATM card as a debit card.  Wait, really?  Didn’t Bank of America receive a huge bailout from the government using our money?  And now they need to straight rape us even more during a recession, and just for us to have access to our own f*cking money?  Um yeah good luck with that a$$holes, you’ve given me a million reasons to switch banks but this one takes the cake.  And by takes the cake i mean why don’t you suck on my big fat one you soulless greedy c0cksucking motherf*ckers.  So yeah Bank of America… Later dicks!

Okay i kept this look up one more time cause like i said i dig it bad but the new look for the site will be THIS FRIDAY!  Yeah i know most of you are so excited you just had to change your shorts.  But the new look for Here Comes the Money will be up Friday so make sure you come back for that one.

Cyaaaaaaaaa- miguel jo$é


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