I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. "Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass!" What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did. – Demetri Martin

4 Oct

What is up kids?

So i was literally just finishing up a different rant and i’ve decided against posting it today.  i feel like there has been way too much negativity on these blogs because of what i’m going through and to be honest it’s getting as boring for me to write it as it is to you to read it.  i definitely think there is a place for it in my blog, because since i have zero chance of making any of you laugh i’m still hoping my honesty is will what keep some of you coming back.  But for real, enough with my bitching and moaning and lets get to the ha ha’s already.

So i’ve finally learned how to drink flavored vodka without having the absolutely worst hangover the next day.  My big problem was that i kept mixing 3 Olives Cherry or Grape with Sprite or tonic, and even though those drinks are orgasmically good all that sugar and sweetness was f’n DESTROYING my insides. Although i guess the reason can’t be all about sugar.  The fact that i drink enough vodka to kill a small to mid-sized dog definitely doesn’t help, but all that sugar would just sit in my stomach so that i was guaranteed to throw up 5-16 times the next day.

So yeah my new thing is mixing these flavored vodkas with club soda.  i find that while although my hangovers are still really rough the next day, it was more a regular headache/stomach hurting hangover compared to the kind where i have a loaded gun to my throbbing temples and i am about to blow my f’n brains out just to stop the pain i’m going through if i don’t shove a knife into my stomach at the same time to end that pain first kind of hangover.

i haven’t decided if this is a bad thing though, because i was trying to swear off flavored vodka forever (and by forever i mean a day or two) because it really was slowly killing me.  These hangovers hurt so bad my soul was throwing up in the bathtub.  But now that i’ve started mixing flavored vodka with club it goes down even better and i have found the secret to drinking this forever.  Sure this discovery isn’t groundbreaking as say the invention of the Ipod, but it’s the little things in life that keeps us going kids.  “Life is pain.  We’ve got to scrape the joy from it every chance we get.”- Rod Kimble “Hot Rod”

“Why does this guy use so many quotes? Is it to distract us from the fact that he can’t come up with anything funny or original on his own?”  Well it’s that plus it makes my blog a little longer and since i am on my second rant that i wrote today i need all the help i can get.  But yeah if you drink flavored vodka you should drink it with club soda.  That’s basically the gist of what i’m saying.


-How come at restaurants you always need to order water twice?  i mean you order it the first time and hope for it but the waitress always forgets it so you have to order it again.  i know it’s annoying and free but i’m parched so can you please hook it up already?  Oh and i’d like more of that free bread while you’re at it.
-As much as i love boozing, and as much as i love eating, i rarely do both things at the same time.  First of all, i am the definition of a binge drinker.  i don’t consider myself an alcoholic because alcoholics drink all the time every day and i definitely don’t do that.  If i know i can only have like 2 or 3 beers, or if i know i can’t get totally hammered then i just won’t drink at all.  i don’t come home from work and crack open a beer to relax, i don’t drink beer to relax i just drink to get wasted. So when i do drink i’m usually full speed ahead with Blackoutsville as my destination.  But as far as eating goes i either eat before i drink or after i drink, i rarely do both at the same time.  Mostly because if i’m drinking i’m trying to get bombed, and eating slows down that process.  i don’t like the feeling of being super full and trying to get wasted on top of that, it’s just too much.  So i will either eat and then drink my face off or i wont’ eat and drink my face off and then eat later in the night and most likely throw everything up before i pass out.  This really isn’t a funny story or anecdote but sometimes i write things just to see if anyone else is the same way.  Plus the title is RANDOM NONSENSE and this entire paragraph certainly fits the bill for both those descriptions.

Fast food tips-i’m a big Starbucks fan, mostly because i’m so hoity toity.  Haha i don’t know if i spelled that correctly but i’ve been dying to use that phrase in my blog.  Anyways i never go to Dunkin Donuts unless i get a Turbo Hot which is a coffee with a shot of espresso.  And although it makes sense Starbucks does this as well, what i did not know where the actual terms of ordering such a drink.  So next time you’re with your girl at Starbucks and you want to show her what a fancy pants you are make sure to impress her with these colored eyed terms for your caffeine fix:

Red Eye- Shot of espresso in your coffee
Black Eye- Two shots of espresso in your coffee
Green Eye- THREE shots of espresso in your coffee.  If you need that much you are better off snorting cocaine.  And i’m not even kidding, you have a better chance of your heart not exploding if you do coke.

 The Money $hot-out of the Week
Bob Loblaw: Actually, I was going to stay in my office tonight and work on my law blog.
Tobias: Of course— the “Bob Loblaw Law Blog.” Wow. You, sir, are a mouthful!

Arrested Development is coming back!  If you don’t know that show you are like 95% of the country that is missing the funniest sitcom of all time.  There’s not much to it, it is about a rich family that is losing their money and who are a collection of the funniest a$$holes and douchebags in television history.  It sounds like 2013 is when it will be coming out, they are doing 10 more episodes and then a movie which makes me so happy my nipples are hard.  But yeah this gives everyone plenty of time to catch up on 3 seasons of the most underrated show in history.  So do it already!

And a quick shout out to my boy Mike Lisante who is not only the guitarist of the band Rock Road as well as the lead guitarist of the legendary Penny Fiasco, he’s one of the super nicest kids i’ve ever met and he actually admitted to me he reads my garbage!  So that makes me feel good and that kid is the money so he gets a shout out today for being money.

So are all of you ready for the big changes coming up to this blog? Probably not because i only talked about it once and the few of you who actually did read it probably already forgot.  But yeah i’m hoping by this Friday or at the latest next week i will have the new look to the site all set.  So if you’ve got nothing else going on in your life and i’m sure most of you don’t, at the very least you have that to look forward to.  Happy day.

And oh yeah for those of you who read about a “Green Eye” from Starbucks and then thought “i can’t wait to order one!”  You are awesome and keep reading my blog please.

-miguel jo$e

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