Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff. -Brian Regan

30 Sep

What is up kids?

It’s really starting to feel like fall these days.  The weather is a little cooler, football is back on and the Giants beat the Eagles last weekend, the Yankees are preparing for their first playoff game as the Mets work on their golf game once again.  And today is the last day of September which can only mean one thing, what the hell am i going to be for Halloween this year?

That seems like a topic for another blog though, which means i’m left scrambling for something else today.  Which usually always works out because now i can just cry about how depressed i am lately and talk about how the sand in my vagina just burns and burns!  No, no, none of that garbage.  In a sentence that only had 6 words i just used 3 negatives, and that ain’t not bad at all!  Are there any English majors that read my blog?  If you do and you’ve committed suicide by now i do not blame you.  “And why don’t you ever capitalize your “I”‘s???  It drives me crazy!!?!?!” 

Something that has been bothering me though lately (here comes the bitch fest!  Someone get this kid tissues for when the waterworks start!) is explaining to people that i don’t speak Spanish.  Man is that a God awful conversation to have!  When people find out i don’t speak Spanish, everyone is either shocked and confused if they are a white person or angry and hateful if they are Hispanic.  Which is awesome because that’s what i need in my life is everyone hating me. 

Hispanic people get SO mad that i don’t speak Spanish.  i grew up in f’n Dumont, NJ for crying out loud, a super white suburb filled with mostly white people.  And racist ones at that.  Yet for some reason i did not end up speaking that much Spanish in my town ever.   And i guess the next question is “What about your parents, why didn’t they teach you?”  Well my mom can understand some but she doesn’t speak it very well either.  And my Dad is fluent is Spanish and speaks it perfectly, but he had a hard time teaching it to us as kids because he was busy WORKING.  And it’s hard to get mad at the guy, i mean he had the option of staying home and teaching all of us kids Spanish.  Or, he could go to work in the city from 9-5 each day, taking the bus at 7 am to get back at 7 at night if he’s lucky and pay all our bills and provide for his family.  i know what you’re thinking, what an ahole right?  How dare he be a good father that makes sure everyone in his family has clothes and heat and food and a roof, i’d rather be poor and bilingual then live comfortably and only speak English which is the language of the country i am born and raised in!

Hispanics are the worst though, because they just straight up hate me for not speaking Spanish.  The look that i get for not speaking Spanish is one of  disgust.  Although to be honest… go f*ck yourself!  You’re going to judge me because i don’t speak Spanish?  Why don’t you shower or go back to washing dishes and/or mowing lawns you taco eating motherf*cker!

Alright that was wrong.  There’s no need to return the anger towards my own people.  “Who said Hispanics were people?”  Relax Keller, i will handle the racism on this blog today.  But yeah it just sucks that being Hispanic is the only race that you need to speak the language or they don’t consider you a “true” part of their race.  If you are black you are black, you don’t have to do anything to confirm it.  Sure you can be more black then others but for the most part your skin color is all it takes.  If you’re Jewish you’re Jewish, you don’t have to eat bagels everyday and wear those little hats to be Jewish.  Sure some people are more Jewish then others, but again if you’re Jewish you are in the club.  And oh yeah speaking of Jews, Happy New Year to my Hebrew Homeys!

And Italians are Italians, they don’t have to speak Italian to be Italian, i know a TON of Italians who don’t speak Italian and they are never judged for that.  All you have to do to be Italian is eat pasta and beat your women which is a lot easier then learning a whole other language. 

So yeah to sum this up i don’t speak Spanish so get off my cojones already.  It’s not because i don’t care about my heritage, it’s because learning a new language is hard and i am both lazy and not smart.  So you can hate me for being an ahole, you can hate me for being a dumbass, you can hate me for having zero motivation in life and being a fat f*ck if you want, and you can hate me because i am fantastic in bed and can pleasure women better then you.  But please don’t hate me for not speaking Spanish, that one just hurts.

-Why do parents insist on having “1st birthday” parties for their kids?  Am i missing something? There is no WAY any of these little crying pooping disasters are gonna remember their first birthday.  Hell, i don’t remember what i did for my last birthday and that was only a month ago!  These kids won’t remember anything and these parties are always boring as f*ck, it’s basically a get together for mom’s and their other kids because let’s face it their social life is now over and these kinds of get togethers are all they have to look forward to in life.  And they always throw these parties on the WORST days.  “The party is this Friday night make sure you come by!”  Um i’m pretty sure Yankee playoffs start tonight so good luck with that one.  “Come by Sunday at 1 o’clock!” Oh thanks, i bought the Sunday ticket for a reason and apparently that reason was so that i have the ability to watch all the football games but can’t do it because i’m eating awful birthday cake off a stupid Elmo plate.  i honestly feel that all parents know their life is over and they feel the need to ruin everyone else’s life as well.  Don’t drag me down with you because of your poor decisions mom and dad, you wanted a kid and all the joy of never enjoying yourself or going out or partying anymore so have fun with that!

-There’s nothing worse then ruining someones yawn.  If i’m yawning and someone comes behind me and tickles me or tries to scare me or something i really want to punch them right in their stupid face.  Yawning and stretching is like 4-7 seconds of pure pleasure, and you think it’s funny to ruin that?  People are the worst.

-i still have an old phone, i haven’t updated to a “smart” phone yet.  Although one good thing about having an old phone is being able to stop texts after you press send that you REALLY did not want to send.  That has saved me a least a million times.  People with Blackberry’s not only are so 2009, but they also try to sell me on the BBM feature that they love.  “It’s like texting but better because it happens immediately!”  Um yeah that doesn’t sound better to me.  i need time to think about what i’m writing and make sure that i say it right, and when in a last minute panic and i realize i don’t like what i just sent i still have a few seconds to save my mistake!  i would be in a lot more fights and arguments if everything i said the first time went though.  And yeah yeah i’m getting a new phone soon, but until i do i’ll still appreciate some of my old school features. 

-New season of Dexter starts this Sunday.  BooooooooWHIP!  Now i just need to get Showtime…

“Facebook etiquette”- So i don’t care that Facebook changed it’s layout again because i have other real problems in life.  But i will say i don’t f’n get it at all.  What is with that news feed on the right?  Why do i have two news feeds, the kinda regular old one and this new one on the right?  What is the f’n point of it?  Now i gotta scroll through two news feeds worth of nonsense i don’t care about?  Man this site is getting annoying, it’s almost making being on it just for all the pictures of hot girls not worth it.  Almost.
Go $ports! -i am SO f’n glad the Red Sox and Atlanta Braves blew.  It could not happen to a bigger bunch of aholes.  The only thing worth watching in baseball are season ending horrific loses that happen in the 9th inning, or even extra innings like it did for the Braves.  i don’t care who wins the World Series, does anyone even know who won last year? Of course you don’t, because the World Series happens in October and everyone is so over baseball and onto football its not even funny.  But yeah way to go dicks, you guys blew it!  Enjoy the offseason you overpaid jerks. 
That’s it for me everybody, i hope everyone is ready to start their weekend.  And just a quick note, this site is in for some MAJOR changes hopefully by next Friday.  i’m going to debut a whole new look and there will now be TWO news feeds showing everyone’s status updates…
Haha i’m kidding about that but for serious i do plan on doing a website overhaul to try to make this blog look better then ever.  “Have you thought about doing a comedy overhaul to make it funnier then ever, or funny period?” Of course not, that’s the whole point of changing the site so that I can distract you with the layout and hopefully you won’t notice the dearth of comedy in my blog.
So have a great weekend and get ready for some changes.  Let the complaining begin!
-miguel jo$é


One Response to “Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff. -Brian Regan”

  1. Nicole #1 September 30, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    Real fans have already seen the first episode of the new season of Dexter. Duh.


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