Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail. – Homer Simpson

23 Sep

What is up kids?

Happy Friday everyone! But when you think about it, is it really?

Haha i’m actually okay today, none need to be Debbie Downer.  Although for anyone that remembers me talking about a happy hour today in Pearl river that nonsense is definitely canceled.  i blame myself for making plans w/ girls who are wives/moms.  You want to drive yourself crazy?  Try to make plans with a new mom and see where that gets you.  First of all you have to make the plans 3 months in advance because of all the stupid mommy things they have to do like “going to christenings” and “taking care of their children.”  But then when when the day finally does come there’s always some last minute excuse on why it falls though.

This is what scares me about being a parent.  Besides being way too selfish and not responsible i mean.  i don’t think i can handle all of my time being consumed for the next 20 years or so with a child.  “We’re going out for happy hour Friday!”  Can’t i have the kid.  “It’s my birthday, come out to the city!”  Can’t i have the kid.  “That strip club is giving free lap dances and it’s free blowj0b night!”  Honey i want a divorce and the kid is yours, later dicks!

i guess planning stuff has more to do with being a girl then being a mom.  You can ask most girls what they are doing through next June and they will tell you every single wedding and baby shower and bachelorette party and dinner date with their college roomie they already have planned.  It’s Friday at 10:34 am and i literally have zero clue what my plans are for 2nite.  Hell, i don’t even know what i’m doing for lunch yet!

But yeah i guess that’s what scares me the most about having children.  i am EXTREMELY into myself.  And i should be, i mad funny and easy going, i like boozing and relaxing and partying and watching funny movies and T.V. shows.  i dig sports and love football, i love going to concerts and bars and happy hours and playing beer pong and sleeping till noon or later on weekends or calling out on a Monday to take a spur of the moment trip to the beach or Atlantic City.  i dig all this stuff about me bad, and i’m supposed to give all of it up to raise some little idiot who can’t speak yet and constantly cries and craps themselves more then me after a crave case at White Castle?

i guess there’s more to it then that when you have a kid but that is all the stuff i will miss.  And i guess eventually i’ll be “mature” enough to want to have kids, or i’ll get tired of living that lifestyle i just listed above.  But for now that life could not be further from my mind.  i like to have freedom, i like to have options, i love to sleep and getting wasted.  And again, i’m guessing i will grow out of that someday but for now i’m buying a 30 pack of Natty light when i get home from work, doing a power hour by myself and watching Always Sunny from last night and laughing myself into oblivion until i pass out in my own filth.  Now tell me THAT isn’t more rewarding then bringing a bundle of joy into this world and having a beautiful child of you own!


-So it’s September now, and the worst part of school starting again for those of us who no longer go is dealing with all the aholes going back to school back on the road in the morning.  Isn’t that the worst?  All summer you get used to less traffic and none buses and none screaming dumb kids everywhere, and then September rolls around and your ride to work is increased by at least 20 minutes.  i guess at least now that school is back i don’t have 15 teenagers hanging out at the Dunkin Donuts by me every night so that when i do want a Turbo hot light and sweet with cream and sugar i don’t need to wait 2 hours in line behind a bunch of idiots buying one donut at a time with change, but yeah the ride to work is definitely very annoying again now.  And if you have to drive by a school God Bless you, if you get out of your car and shoot everyone in sight one day i won’t blame you.

-it’s kinda money to booze on a train.  i had to take one to the Giants game Monday night since they totally douche you will the parking ever since they started this PSL garbage.  So whatever i took the train which takes you right to the stadium for $3.25 so you can’t beat that.  But the real fun was bringing a bag of brews on the train and just boozing my face off the entire time.  i feel like you wouldn’t or shouldn’t be allowed to do this but apparently this is totally not against the law for some reason.  Anyways it’s nice to be on a train while people are coming home from work or going to the city and i’m sitting there pulling miller lites out of a garbage bag and pounding brews right next to them.  idk, i found it amusing.

Fast food tips- There’s a new ketchup packet for us causally overweight fat f*cks who eat on the go.  But for real, the ketchup packets we have now are the ghettoist though, right?  Those little ass packets that only have enough ketchup for like three fries.  The new one is like a little container and i’m a huge fan, i put a pic below.  Basically now it still has the squeeze part but also a peel part so you can dip stuff as well.   i don’t know when it’s coming out to stores everywhere so don’t get excited yet.  But behold, here is a look into the future…

– i have a confession to make, and if i don’t get it off of my chest it’s really going to bother me so here goes…  i watched a movie last weekend called “Private Valentine”.  Hopefully NONE of you know what that movie is, and if you do i feel sorry for you and you probably hate yourself as much as i do.  First i’d like to say i didn’t rent it or Netflix it or anything, it happened to be on TBS or one of those channels and somehow i ended up watching most of it.  But yeah it’s a straight to DVD movie that Jessica Simpson did about a Hollywood star that ends up researching a role in the army or something and then she ends up enlisting for real and stuff happens…  i don’t know, i literally watched almost all of the movie and have no idea what the point was.  And Jessica Simpson is HORRIBLE, she has to be the worst actress i have ever seen.  How could she possibly get any movie roles?? Oh i know how, because dumbasses like me actually end up watching that filth.  She doesn’t even wear or do anything hot in it, it’s honestly very offensive to the human race that a movie like that would be made.  But i’ve literally been ashamed of myself and i haven’t told anyone yet so i’m doing so now.  If you all hate me and never read this blog again i’d understand.

“Facebook etiquette”- Whoo hoo Facebook looks different!  So yeah i’ll admit the new changes are definitely annoying now.  But whatever, i’m over it.  They always change things up once in awhile and EVERYONE flips out and hates it and goes nuts, and then 2 weeks later no one cares anymore.  So i’m just going to skip the flipping out and going nuts part and just go to the not caring part.  i’ve got bigger worries in my life then what Facebook looks like now.
That’s it for me today kids.  Not sure if there are any laughs in there but hopefully i squeezed in one or two.  And to the moms who blew it on happy hour today i’d apologize for bashing your lifestyle heavily but none of you actually “follow” my blog or make comments ever so until you do i’m just gonna assume you haven’t or won’t read this blog even though i know that you do.  Maybe you should follow me and i’d be nicer!  Plus was anything i said not true?  No, no it wasn’t.  So have fun with your kids and your married life, if any of you degenerates want to have a happy hour today somewhere give me a shout out because i’ve got zero plans!
Cya Tuesday, -miguel jo$é

One Response to “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail. – Homer Simpson”

  1. Anonymous September 23, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    I love the quote you started out with…so true! (although being married is fine as long as you have freedom & due to that, Brian had black & blue welts on his ass from 2 strippers last wknd..I guess he deserved We joke about starting a network to meet other couples that party and don't have children, since we are quickly losing all our friends to procreation & thus losing our party friends…womp womp.


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