What is this, Horseville? Because I’m surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay! – Tracy Jordan

13 Sep

What is up kids?

For those of you who read my last blog forget everything i said about football, it is the f’n WORST.  0-3 in my fantasy football leagues, lost on my first pick of my suicide pool, and the Giants lost.  Oh and the Jets had an amazing comeback so all those obnoxious Jets fans are even more happy about their franchise who hasn’t won a Superbowl since 1969.  The good thing is that Tony Romo played well enough to beat me in one league but not enough for me to win my other so it really was a perfect storm of $hit.  That’s the great thing about football, when i lose in fantasy football and/or when the Giants lose it ruins my entire f’n week which is awesome.  i hate sports and i hate everything.

So what else is up aholes? i’m in a rotten mood right now so i probably shouldn’t be writing a “comedy” blog when the sight and thought of other people make me want to kill everyone  Maybe i’ll take a break…

Alright i’m back.  Haha so i didn’t go 0-3, Wes Welker scored me 35 points to actually make me tie one of my arch rivals Tommy on his last catch.  Suck it Tommy!  Usually i f’n hate ties but whatever i’ll take the non-loss, especially because it took a miracle just for me to not lose and hopefully it ruined Tommy’s day. 

But enough about football, what else are you kids up to today?  It’s September so i know all my teachers are back in school.  And hopefully all the baby girls who read this blog are back in class like the good students they are.  i find your search for knowledge extremely attractive, just as attractive as your young supple bodies and tight… commitment to learning.  But yeah i dig broads that that want to expand their mind grapes so read them books bitches!

Wow this blog is about nothing today. Good thing no one took me up on spreading the word on my blog because if they did this would be an awful one to read for the first time.  Maybe i should just bail and get to the random nonsense because it is FANTASTIC today…

Eh, not yet.  One more quick rant.  So now that i do this Twitter nonsense at migueljose_85 is anyone following me yet? Besides Fuchs and Clement of course… Don’t you other kids use the Twitter?  You can tell i’m hip because of the way i use “the” before words i don’t understand, kind of like when i tried the pot that one time in college.  But yeah i joined this site but i don’t get it so someone help.  For real, someone out there has to be a nerd who understands the interwebs and stuff like that.  Tell me what to do dorks!  Alright fine don’t, i’ll figure it out on my own i guess.  See what happens when the Giants lose?  My whole week turns to $hit!  Being sexy and funny is all i have left at the moment, but for now i’ll just try for the second part…

-When i’m dating a girl, i find her so much hotter when her father hates me.  i mean first of all, i’m used to it.  Being a Mexican/Dominican guy who lives in Bergen County NJ i tend to date a lot of white girls.  And being that most white girls have white fathers, they usually don’t like me off the bat because they are ignorant racist aholes.  They hear the name “miguel” and immediately they hear mariachi’s and wonder if i’m hear illegally and/or work at Taco Bell.  They can’t grasp the fact that i love Pearl Jam and don’t speak Spanish and my favorite TV show ever was LOST, all they hear is a Hispanic name and see the brown skin and immediately they are filled with hatred for me.  But anyways, that hatred and ignorance towards me is a real turn on when i’m banging your daughter so please keep it up.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i would find the sex hot either way.  But the fact that i know she is shaming her parents, and knowing how furious her dad would be to know my big brown penis is in her holiest of holys just makes everything that much better. 

-Whenever someone tells me that i should watch something or try something just for “$hits and giggles”, i always hope it is really just for the giggles because i have enough habits of my own that keep me busy with that first part.

-Can that awful TV show “Jersey Shore” just die already?  Holy S balls what a steaming pile of turds that show is.  Yes i will admit i’ve watched all the seasons.  Season one was actually pretty funny because man oh man do i love making fun of Ed Hardy meatheads.  Although on a side note i’ve noticed that in the phrase GTL there is no “E” for education or “D” for being a decent human being.  But i digress, i’m talking about the awfulness that is that show.  Anyways season 2 was pretty bad and definitely started to get old at the point and season 3 was absolutely atrocious.  So why am i watching season 4?!??!  idk, because i’m a glutton for punishment i guess.  But i honestly hate myself for watching it.  The only parts even worth watching anymore are the first two minutes and the last two minutes, but even those aren’t worth watching now!  And then they have a build up to something you actually want to see like Ronnie beating up the Situation, you get fired up for it and then when it happnes it’s just as lame as everything else on the show.  You find out Ronnie didn’t even knock the Situation out, Situation knocked himself out when he banged his head into the wall because he’s a roided up jack off! And Deena makes my penis frightened and angry.  So yeah i don’t know why i was on this ship to begin with other then the fact i support Italians being made fun of but man i have jumped off of it now.

“Facebook etiquette”- To all girls who put up pictures on FB of them and their friends sticking their tongues out… thank you.  i don’t want to ruin it for all the other guys who appreciate this so i don’t want to say too much, but i feel it would be impolite to not thank you for what you do for myself, your guy friends, and society in general.  Myself and the rest of the country just want to say thanks and keep up the great work!

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL– i’d like to throw some sauerkraut and mustard on that hot dog!

The Money $hot-out of the Week- This weeks’ shout out goes to my former number one Miss Stacy Keibler.  Some of you may remember her from wrestling, some from Dancing with the Stars.  By now you all probably know she’s dating that guy who starred in Oceans Eleven, Casey Affleck.  And yes her choice of boyfriends is poor, but i’ve followed her career closely and it makes me happy that she is finally getting the recognition that she deserves.  Insert photos here:

gDAMN you Casey Affleck…

So i hope everyone has a good rest of the week.  After those pictures i know i’m ready for a fresh start, or at the very least a fresh pair of jockeys.  But as always thanks for reading, and if you do use Twitter follow me already!  i hope you all have a great week, except for those of you who beat me in fantasy football.  To you dirtbags i hope you all get a bad case of diarrhea.  – miguel jo$é


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