My wife has gotten really lazy lately. Or as she describes it, "pregnant" – Jim Gaffigan

2 Sep

“i’m nine months pregnant!”
Doesn’t mean you can’t move those cinder blocks.  She always complains a lot, ya know?
“I’m tired! I’m hungry! I’m cold! Let me back inside!”
Move those cinder-blocks and i’ll let you back in.  We’re supposed to be a team, remember?
A deal’s a deal.  – Jim Gaffigan


DISCLAIMER!  To my mom and sister who usually read my blog, for the love of God do not read this today.  Usually i don’t care but you will not dig this one so just dont’ do it.  But if for some reason you do read this even though i’m telling you not to the same rules apply, you can never EVER talk to me about it…
What is up kids?
Although speaking of kids… have you guys ever heard of a “push” present??  Does everyone know what that is? i bet all the girls do, but if you’re anything like me you have no idea.  Until last week i mean, cause i just found out what it is.  And Men, before you hate me for this blog i promise the money football blog is coming soon so please bear with me through this awfulness…

A push present is the present a man gives to his baby’s mama after she gives birth to his child.  Yes, apparently that “present” you gave her 9 months ago is not enough, now she needs jewelery just because she did something countless other women have done before.  What i don’t get is how can giving birth be special if so many people have done it?  i feel like dunking a basketball is a lot more “special”, i don’t know too many people who can dunk but i know TONS that have had kids!

Haha relax mommies and my mom, i’m only kidding . Yeah yeah having kids is special and i can’t wait to have them.  That’s a lie, i mean i can’t wait to do the act of having a child except for the fertilizing the egg part, i’m more of a finish on the stomach and/or back/ass kind of guy.

JEBUS CHRISTMAS! Whoo hoo dirty blog for a Friday!  Whatever, the summer is almost over and it’s depressing and i don’t give an F right now.  Plus sometimes i forget that is the best part of having a blog, i can write about whatever the F i want.  “And you choose a push present?  Way to go dick!”  Why do you still read my blog person who’s been interrupting me from day one!!  You obviously hate it and always mock me!

But yeah to be honest i don’t really care if that’s what society decided is okay.  If guys are supposed to get the woman a present after she gives birth so be it i guess.  I mean it makes sense, “honey look at this beautiful baby!” “Way to go darling, here’s an Ipod!”  Whatever, i will be fine with this tradition as long as my girl is fine with my tradition of getting wrecked and playing pong and her being the designated driver the entire 9 months she is pregnant.  “Honey do you think KFC is still open?”

i have more thoughts on this whole push present thing but it’s Labor day weekend and i gots some partying to get ready for.  Although i hope you all dug the Gaffigan quote(s) to start today’s blog.  i use him all the time but never talk about how he’s easily one of my favorite and one of the funniest stand up comics i’ve ever seen.  He does this inner monologue bit where a woman’s voice comments during his jokes, basically commenting on what he’s saying while he says it which is super f’n funny.  “i wonder where he got that idea with the commenting voices, hey maybe he reads your blog!  Since having another voice interrupt your jokes is so original and funny!  Almost like how this blog isn’t one huge Brain Droppings ripoff!”  You’re right a$$hole, writing funny observations and jokes is copyrighted.  Trying to have a funny blog using my original ideas is straight up plagiarism, i will stop doing this immediately.

Alright i’m not but i’m going to stop today’s blog immediately.  Just cause.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Does anyone else get embarrassed by the words that come up when you do Spell check?  Like when you’re writing an email, or letter, or even say a blog?  i’ve already accepted the fact that i cannot spell “definitely” or “Wednesday”, but i kinda get embarrassed when i spell a word so wrong that even Spell check can’t tell me what i’m trying to write.  Even the computer is like “i thought you couldn’t speak Spanish?  But i’m guessing what you wrote was in Spanish because that canNOT be English…”   Whatever, i honestly don’t care too much about grammar and spelling, i’d rather get my point across then get an “A” for punctuation. 

Fast food tips- If you kids haven’t noticed yet, i am secretly trying to kill all of you.  That is why i’m letting you know about the new “burger” at Dennys, it’s the “Mac n’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt.”  At a whopping 1690 calories it has three times the calories of a KFC Double Down Sandwich, or basically what every growing child needs.  It’s a burger patty layered with slices of cheese, macaroni and cheese, another layer of cheese, some kind of tomato based “frisco” sauce and two pieces of buttered-up potato bread.  And oh yeah a side of fries.  And yes i know i already had all of you at 3x the calories of a KFC Double down.  i haven’t had it yet but if any of you do please let me know how fantastic it is.  Before you die choking on your own lard of course.

“Facebook etiquette”-Hey girl who is walking her dog, or holding your niece, or looking at a sunset… stop making entire photo albums dedicated to this on Facebook! Wow, it’s a big tree, or a statue.  i am not going through 45 pictures of it because no one f’n cares.  First of all, you should never have an album named “walking my dog”, but if you do and there is more then one picture in it you are a jerk.  And ladies, no one looks at anything other then your bikini/skimpy dress pictures anyway, including your girlfriends.  So stop trying to be deep and interesting,. You’re annoying and way too into yourself, get over it.  And get over posting these dumb albums on FB

The Money $hot-out of the Week- This week’s shout out goes to Minka Kelly, who besides being the hottest girl ever also made the smartest decision of her life when she dumped Derek Jeter.  She is way too hot for that guy.  Alright fine, maybe 1996-2000 Jeter when he was young and fresh.  But almost 40 year old Mr. 3000?  Sorry buddy, you’re past your prime, or “Hit the Wall” as they say.  Or as i say anyways.  But yeah Minka is on the Charlie’s Angels remake that is a new TV show in the fall, which makes perfect sense because she is as beautiful as an angel.  Holy S i should totally use that line when i meet her in person right?  i bet no one else will ever say that to her!  i gots mad game!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO WHIP!   That’s the sound my penis makes when i look at these pictures…
Alright that is enough insanity for a Friday.  As for the Minka Kelly pics, you’re welcome.  Hope everyone has a great long Labor Day weekend and i will see you kids on Tuesday!
-miguel jo$é
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6 Responses to “My wife has gotten really lazy lately. Or as she describes it, "pregnant" – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Your beloved sister in law September 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    Ok I’m not even a quarter of the way through this and I find it hilarious that you apologize to your mom for thinking dunking a basketball is more special than giving birth but NOT for telling us all where you like to finish

    Like

  2. Anonymous September 2, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    Wow….that was an exciting blog…I'm pumped for the weekend now…and you are a horrible person for not blocking your mom and your sister from reading this!!! Atleast you apologized. Awesomeness.

    Like

  3. Anonymous September 2, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    Omg this one was amazing…literally laughing out loud and getting dirty looks from my co-workers…I really hope your mom and sister didn't read this though…i don't think they need to know what BOOOOOOOOOOOO WHIP! means lol.
    -Stef

    Like

  4. Michele September 2, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    I didn't know what the hell a push present was either and I think it's ridiculous. So, if I don't want kids I miss out on a gift? Maybe I should get a gift every time I get my period. Oh no, getting my period is the gift.

    Like

  5. Dr. Moebius October 18, 2014 at 4:37 am #

    Never heard of, or seen Minka Kelly before, so thanks for sharing.
    She certainly is the kind of woman that has f*cked me over every time I get caught up in their spoiled, obsessive, materialistic narcissism, selfish “me, me, me” needs, and unrealistic expectations about every aspect of life. But they do feel awfully nice, and it's like heroin to look into their beauty. If I had the means, I would enjoy lying in bed next to her naked body, and explore every micron of it.
    That will never happen, but I can dream, can't I?

    Like

  6. Miguel Jose October 21, 2014 at 1:06 am #

    You can definitely dream. And if it's of Minka Kelly my guess is it's going to be of the wet variety

    Like

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