Change will not occur until the pain of staying the way we are exceeds the pain of change. – Winston Churchill

30 Aug

What is up kids?

That’s right, no earthquake or hurricane could keep me from writing today’s blog!  Although if there is one thing that would stop me even though it hasn’t yet blogwise it is being one LAAAAAAAAAAAAZY A$$ MotherF*cker…

i have GOT to stop being so f’n lazy!  Man i was running every day for almost 2 months, i missed a few days and then a month or so later i’m here and have not been running since.  C’mon fat boy, do something!  i don’t know what it is, sometimes i can convince myself that i really want to get into shape.  However, other times i realize how much i enjoy awful horrific food and how laying down watching TV and doing nothing is my most favorite thing in the world.  What is my f’n problem?  i don’t enjoy being hugemongous, it doesn’t make me happy that i shower blindfolded rather then look at myself naked.  “Wait, since when do Mexicans shower?”  You sir, are a racist.  That’s right, a racist! 

And then i always get it in my head, alright THIS Sunday i’m starting working out and eating right again! Okay fine, right after my birthday!  Once this weekend’s fantasy football draft is over then it’s nothing but healthy living!  Alright fine once my friend’s birthday party is over…

So yeah it’s basically never ending.  i have lost weight before, do you know how i did it?  By eating right and running everyday.  Wow, what a crazy f’n idea, not being a total disgusting fat ass actually helped me lose weight.  And how did i put it all back on again?  By being an unmotivated lazy motherf*cker.  This equation isn’t hard to figure out, there’s no mystery behind all of this.  i am well aware of what is making a fatso, i see it through my own eyes and feel it down my big f’n mouth and into my expanded belly! 

So what’s my next plan, after this weekend i’ll finally start getting into shape?  Alright fine, but this is IT!  Labor day weekend, this is my last hurrah.  And then i’m getting into f’n shape motherf*ckers.  Yeah i have a filthy mouth for this particular blog but i’m getting angry at myself.  And i’m already angry for the day before i start my diet.  Isn’t that the WORST day?  Because in your head you are like, “well i’m gonna start being good tomorrow… i might as well hit up McDonald’s and KFC and Taco Bell!  And then after lunch i’ll really start eating bad!”  Hopefully i won’t fall into that trap but i probably will, because i’m a weak willed lowlife.

NO!  Not this time!  i am seriously for serious this time.  This is my last week of garbage and then i’m done!  So i hope everyone enjoys fat ass me while you can, because super sexy slim miguel is on his way.  It’s gonna take some time to get here but i’m f’n starting now, enough already.  Right after this bagel….

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Have you ever received the silent treatment from a girl?  Yes i know it’s heaven, but every once in a while you kinda want her to stop it.  Alright fine, no guy ever wants his girl to stop giving him the silent treatment ever.  It’s fantastic when a woman will just shut her pie hole for 2 seconds.  However, if by some one in a million chance you do want her to stop giving you the silent treatment there is a surefire way to get her to stop.  Just give her the silent treatment back.  But don’t just do it, tell her you’re doing it.  If she gives you the silent treatment all morning just go “That’s it! i’m giving you the silent treatment!”  IMMEDIATELY  you will hear “WHAT?!?!  You’re giving ME the silent treatment?!?  No f’n way, i’m the one giving YOU the silent treatment!!  How dare you do this and how dare you do that and meh meh meh meh meh….”  Girls do enjoy giving guys the silent treatment but they love running there yapper even more.  But again, what guy wants the silent treatment to end?  Guys who are not smart, that’s who.

-It’s nice to know that if i ever do decide to beat a woman and punch her in the face repeatedly that all i need to do is fly around the stage at the MTV video music awards and all is forgiven. 

-i talk to myself.  a LOT.  Not like crazy person a lot but borderline, and i can definitely see it getting worse as i get older.  “You’re already old!”  Shut up person blowing up my spot with the baby girls, although i guess admitting i’m a nutjob isn’t helping anything.  i talk to myself at home, in the car, in public… wow i guess i do it all the time.  i think i get that from my dad, he does it a decent amount.  But i realized yesterday i’m okay with it.  Why wouldn’t i be? i talk to plenty of aholes and dumbasses that aren’t nearly as smart or as funny as i am, when i talk to myself i’m at least talking to someone who will get my jokes.  And i figure if i’m going to grow increasingly insane i might as well embrace it.  You should too unless you want me to murder you in your sleep.  HAHAHAHA I’M KIDDING!  haha…

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL- “Hey, that’s a nice penis!”

Fast food tips- The $1 Monterey Ranch Crispy Chicken sandwich at Wendy’s is straight up the MONEY.  Things on Wendy’s dollar menu usually stay pretty standard, but this gem is available now and i suggest you go get one.  Honestly, one bean for this deliciousness?  How can you resist?  But get it by this weekend because after Labor day we are getting in shape people!  “i am in shape, speak for yourself fatty!”  Enjoy your sandwich dickface.

That’s it for me kids, it’s Tuesday and i gots some work to do.  No not working out, i said starting next weekend!  But yeah for those of you in payroll these semi-days suck my balleens!   Speaking of payroll, my friend Erica i used to work with let me know she reads my blog now.  Which is crazy because when i worked with her she LITERALLY never found me funny ever.  Anyways i don’t normally do this on my blog but whatever this is my $hit and i do what i want!

So yeah i’m throwing an old school happy hour at the Pearl River Hotel on Friday September 23rd, basically you either need to know Erica or be a guest of someone to be invited.  Although if you are reading this you know me who knows Erica so i guess you’re all invited.  But she told me to write this and she intimidates me so i’m doing it.  And did your husband Dave try the Big Mac sauce on his Double quarter pounder?  He better have, when i gave him that fast food tip he nearly popped right in front of me.  But yeah HH at the Hotel 9/23/11.

Have a great rest of the week my friends, cya Friday! – miguel jo$é

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