I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. – George Carlin

19 Aug

What is up kids!

Whoo hoo birthday boy!  Yeah yeah today’s my birthday.  Whoever took the under on whether i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don’t blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor.

And yes i came to work today.  “Why would you work on your birthday???”  i’ll tell you why person who interrupts me even on my birthday blog, it’s because i’m an attention needing whore.  Some people i know see their birthday as a day they don’t want to do anything so they always take off of work that day.  Personally, i’d rather just go in late like i did today.  This way i can sleep late so it’s not like i’m waking up early on my birthday, and then i can go in an get all the attention that i deserve for being the money.  Who’s going to give me attention if i take the day off and sit in my room and whack off and play video games all day?  No one, that’s who.  So yeah i always come in late the day of my birthday so everyone can tell me how much they love me and then i always take the day AFTER my birthday off so i can party all night and recover the next day or three.

And that’s how you do it kids.  “Wow, you really are an attention craving ahole!”.  No f’n $hit buddy, have you noticed this blog i put out twice a week?  But the other 364 days i’m just an attention needing mother f’er, today it’s my birthday and i deserve it so i want all that i can get!

i gots tons of stuff to do today so i’m gonna end this early, but if anyone wants to party it up with me i’m having a party at Copia in NYC tonight.  $30 open bar from 9-12, WHOOPS!  Man i wish it was here already…


-Hey girls who are always cold in my office building… DRESS WARMER!  “But i need my little tank tops and need to wear sandals and then i need to complain how cold it is so they have to turn the heat up to 95 degrees so people have to try and do their job in uncomfortable sweltering heat!”  Yeah, i know you need to do that.  But f”n quit it already.  Don’t you realize if you’re cold you can dress warmer, but if it’s hot there is nothing i can do about it?  No, of course you don’t realize it.  Because everything revolves around you and you’d rather wear spaghetti straps and complain instead of just dressing warmer like a normal person.  You really are the worst, just put on a f*cking sweater and just shut up already.

-So the New York Giants can’t sign Steve Smith or Kevin Boss, or basically anyone in the offseason for that matter, and the Philadelphia Eagles sign every all star mother f*cker available.  Really?  The Eagles have had nothing but good news and it makes me sick.  The only bad news they had was DeSean Jackson holding out but he already reported to camp.  And then there was the Jeremy Maclin “mysterious” illness that ended up being a cancer scare but they did the tests and he’s going to be fine.  Terrific, the Giants haven’t been to the playoffs in two years and even Cancer can’t beat Philly right now.  Let’s go football!

The Money $hot-out of the Week   This week’s shout out goes out to my girl Caitlin who not only showed up at my house yesterday to surprise me for my bday, she also gave me the nicest card and a fantastic gift, and she text me after midnight to say happy birthday and i came into work to a message of her singing happy birthday on my phone.  And she’s super hot.  All of that adds up to the Money shout out, thank you so much Caitlin! 🙂 xoxo

Fast food tips- Do you know what’s the biggest burger you can get at Wendy’s is?  “Of course Miguel, it’s the Wendy’s triple!  3/4 lb with three patties!”  No it’s not person who thinks they know everything.  That may be the biggest burger on the menu but there’s a secret item that not everyone knows about.  It’s called the “Grand Slam”, and it actually has FOUR patties on a bun.  It’s also known as the “Meat Cube.”  Not every restaurant carries it but if your goal is to actually hear your arteries clogging as you chow down on a burger this one is for you.

“Facebook etiquette”- i can’t STAND people who always put up vague FB statuses.  “I can’t believe that happened!”  “I’m so nervous about tonight!”  “Waiting for important news…”  No you’re not, you’re waiting for people to be like “OMG what happened?  What’s going on?  What important news???”   But if you’re waiting for me you will be waiting a long time because i don’t give an F.  Either tell me what the big news is or don’t post a vague status update because if you do i don’t f’n care.  i need attention too but i don’t need people trying to Da Vinci code figure out my status updates, i’ll just post what i mean because i’m not an ahole.  Well i am but not with FB updates.

It’s a short one today kids but it’s my bday and i’m a busy man.  Plus this blog is filled with nonstop haha’s so i don’t feel bad about it.  And oh for real if any of you want to give me a present all you have to do is become a follower today!  i KNOW it’s annoying to sign up but it takes 2 minutes and you’ll be making me happy on my bday and i’ll give you a shout out next blog, i promise! 

Cya Tuesday! – miguel jo$é


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