When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. i read that once on a can of lemonade. i like to think that it applies to life. – Andy Dwyer, "Parks and Recreation"

16 Aug

What is up kids?

Man this weather is depressing.  Whoo hoo rain!  Grow up mother nature.  Did you not douche me enough during my camping trip that you feel the need to drench me during my birthday week as well as the end of everyone’s summer?  Thanks, thanks for that.  You’re a real gem you f’n dirty b!tch…

Wow, that was pretty bitter for weather that didn’t even happen yet.  i’m just assuming the worst because any time i desperately want a nice day i get douched i tell you…. douched!  i don’t care that much about Friday but i’d appreciate it if Saturday was nice.  Make that happen you rain loving wh0rebag! 

Alright this insulting of Mother nature is just getting downright dirty.  Whoo hoo i’m a Blue comic!  i’m a regular Andrew Dice Clay!  If you are a girl and you only know who that is because you watch Entourage that is hot.  But yeah  i curse because i can’t think of anything funny to say so instead i go for shock value.  But that’s enough for today i guess.  i’ve just got so much on my dome, it’s hard to think and this dreary f’n weather ain’t helping nobody.  2 birthday parties this weekend (both for me of course) as well as two fantasy football drafts so basically my plan is to turn a year older and then call it quits on life.  Later dicks!

Speaking of fantasy football i am SO F’N GLAD football is back on.  i’m pretty sure baseball is still going on because it lasts 14 months of the year but since i’m a Mets fan baseball was pretty much over in April.  So i really need football more then ever right now.  And the Giants had the best offseason ever!  All they did was sign the top free agents and get all their players to camp and i really think they can win the division this year again.  Oh wait, that’s the Eagles i’m thinking about…  Gddamn f’n Eagles.  You f’n rain loving wh0rebags!  Philly really is the worst place on earth.  It’s like they took all the aholeness of people in the city and combined it with the ignorance of the south to form a perfect storm of awful individuals.  Whoo hoo cheesesteaks!  i’m so glad the Eagles have never won the Superbowl.  It’s bad enough their baseball team is f’n incredible and will probably win the World Series this year.  If they win the Superbowl i may have to give up on Sports already because obviously God hates people who seek knowledge and shower occasionally. 

So i’m bombed as i finish this.  This is MANY hours later and i’m definitely not at my job but i’m typing this anyways on Monday night at whatever time it is mad late.   No one can f’n hang w/ me, i’ll just say that for the record.  Not even people cause haha none chance .  i am moneyer then most. so suck it.

2 be continued…

Haha i wrote that at 3:30 am last night after a night of pong and wings but not in that order.  Why Monday night pong?  Because i am a horrific individual who deserves all the bad things i get.  Since i’m having fun with adding pictures now i’ll put up one of last night’s debacle but then i’m ending this blog because i am done.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Hey guys in cowboy hats… grow up already.  “Whoo hoo i’m a cowboy”!  Yeah great, enjoy your gay trip to Brokeback mountain but when you get back stop playing dress up.  You know who’s allowed to dress up like cowboys?  Actual cowboys, not you 2011 wanna be douchebags.  And just because you’re listening to country music that doesn’t mean you can wear a cowboy hat.  “Whoo hoo Redneck songs about America, i’m going to play dress up!”  Country music is the worst.  Just like people who still wear cowboy hats. 

-Did i do my bit on cowboy hats already in a previous blog? i’m hungover and lazy so i’m not going to check. i feel like i may have though.

-Hey restaurants, when i order chicken fingers or buffalo wings or mozzarella sticks can you please give me enough gddamn dipping sauce? i f’n hate when i get home with my 50 wings and i have this thimble sized container of blue cheese that gets me through half a wing.  Or God forbid i open my mozzarella sticks and there is ZERO marinara sauce.  i spend 10 beans on the appetizer combo and it all goes to waste because you couldn’t hook me up with the appropriate condiments.  Thanks a lot dicks!

-So this guy’s at a bar hitting on this girl and he goes, “i have a joke about my penis i want to tell you but it’s pretty long…” and the girl goes, “that’s okay because i have a joke i want to tell you about my vagina but you’re not going to get it…”   That is definitely not my joke, someone told that to me.  But i miss those kinds of jokes, i feel like no one tells them anymore.  So i just did.  But yeah it’s not mine.

Fast food tips– White castle is selling souvenir glasses for 90 cents with the purchase of a soft drink, any size.  It’s a class move, especially for aholes that don’t stay open 24 hours.  But yeah they are pretty snazzy, definitely pick one up.  And that is the first time i used the word snazzy in my blog ever.  Is that even really a word?  You words with friends people let me know. 

“Facebook etiquette”- i think i’ve had enough of people starting Facebook statuses with “i can’t believe…”  For real, enough already.  “i can’t believe it’s been 5 years since i graduated!”  “i can’t believe i’ve been married for 6 months!”  “i can’t believe my baby is a year old!”  Really?  i would think you can believe it since you are posting it as your status and all.  And aren’t you the child’s mother?  i would hope you would believe you baby is a year old now because i’m guessing you were around for at least part if not all of the child’s life.  And if it is 365 days later then when you had the kid it shouldn’t be that hard to believe that it is a year later.  It’s kinda how this whole time and life thing works.  i can’t believe you don’t know that.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL-
Does your name happen to be “Nathan?”

Can everyone else tell that i am slowly losing my mind?  And by slowly i mean i’m in a full out sprint towards lunacy?  Oh well, what can you do i guess.  i mean besides growing up and not boozing and playing pong till 3 am on work nights.  Anyways i hope you enjoyed my madness, i should prob write the money blog for Friday since it’s my birthday and all but we’ll see i guess.  This blog was pretty fantastic and since we all know i never have two good ones in a row Friday’s blog may suffer.  Or maybe i’ll suprise everyone and write another gddman gem.  Oh stranger stranger, stranger things have happened i know…

-miguel jo$é

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One Response to “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. i read that once on a can of lemonade. i like to think that it applies to life. – Andy Dwyer, "Parks and Recreation"”

  1. Anonymous August 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    Snazzy….one of my fav words ever! It is a real word…maybe not in the Webster Dic..but a real work non-the-less.

    Like

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