i hate to lose more then i love to win. – Jimmy Connors

12 Aug

What is up ki…

i can’t today, i just can’t.  How can i write ANOTHER blog about me being hungover?!??  i will tell you how, i can’t.  i just can’t do it captain.  i don’t have the power! – Ace Ventura

So instead let me just tell you a story.  A story about a boy, one who thought he was in for a quiet night.  i mean it’s Thursday right?  Why would he need to drink when it’s almost the weekend, when it’s almost Friday Friday getting down on Friday…

But let’s just say this boy has friends, and those friends are meatheads  Or not so much meatheads as they are peer pressuring aholes.  And one of these peer pressuring ahole meatheads goes “hey why not play pong?” And of course me being one to buckle every time says “well it’s 9:50, we’d have to make it to Bottle King in 10 minutes if we want to pick up any beer..”

Which brings me to my next point.  i feel like there is always construction around, or that i always get caught at a train crossing.  Or at the very least i am always behind the slowest motherf*cker on the road.  So why not last night? Nope, of course we make it to Bottle King on time and next thing i know we play one practice round before playing two bests of seven for the tag team belts.  Why two?  Because i won the belt the first match but my bully of a roommate demanded a rematch right after.  Why wouldn’t we rematch?  It’s now only 12:30 am and we both have work the next day.

Have you figured out that the boy in the story is me yet?  If not i hope you enjoyed the Sixth Sense like twist i just threw out at you.  But anyways after the next series which i lost (under protest) there was really only one thing left to do right?  And that’s drive to White Castle on 17 of course!  Because they open 24 hours and…. oh wait what?  They aren’t open 24 hours?  i never knew, but i guess i learned that last night.  In fact i am going to tell you all this now so you never run into this problem like i did.

Fast food tips- White Castle on Route 17 in Rutherford is not 24 hours.

And why would every White Castle not be open 24 hours?  Who else eats that food but drunk lowlifes?  It’s not like a dad takes his wife and their kids little Timmy and Sally to White Castle for their big Sunday dinner.  No, it’s jerk0ffs like me who stroll in 3 am after a long Tuesday night of pong.

Anyways after we found out it was closed we went back home and…. oh wait i’m sorry.  We drove to Patterson to check and see if that White Castle was still open (it wasn’t).  After that hour long debacle we drove to the Wendy’s that’s literally 4 minutes from my house and bought a bunch of garbage and went back home to eat that while watching last night’s Jersey Shore that we DVR’d before i deuced and threw up everywhere in the bathroom and went to bed.  And only a few short hours later i am now at work writing this blog.

i really hope after my birthday next Friday that i grow up already.  i really hope so.  If not i honestly think i need an intervention.  Not for drinking, i’m fine with that.  But an intervention to stop hanging out with my awful, awful friends.  They really are the death of me. 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-If i wake up after a heavy night of boozing and i have my pajamas on then i know i couldn’t have been THAT bombed.  A lot of times i don’t remember changing before bed and by a lot i mean every time.  But most of the time no matter how drunk i get a part of me knows to take out my contacts and put on shorts before passing out.  So when i wake with my contacts in wearing jeans and my jacket and gloves on the couch i know i am in store for a 3 day long hangover.  At least if i’m wearing my Wolverine feety pajamas i know i have a chance.

-This season of Jersey Shore that takes place in Italy has to be one of the biggest steaming turds i have ever witnessed in my life. You can barely even tell they are in Italy, they take in zero culture and talk to no one else but themselves.  They are really going to try and pull a Snooki and Situation angle when we all know it’s super fake?  And they are really still trying to push the Ronnie and Sammy angle even though everyone is so f’n sick of it we want to throw up?  i need to draw a line in the sand soon, and by soon i mean last night might have been it.  i know i never should have cared in the first place  but the first couple seasons were actually kinda funny until the third season which was really bad.  But this Italy season is the final nail in their fist pumping coffin for me.  Oh and Sammy looks awful now, she used to be the only kinda cute one but she is so beat this year.  Probably because she’s fatter and older now.  And don’t give me Jwoww, when she’s all dressed up she looks good but when she’s not wearing make up i can’t tell between her and Vinnie except for the long hair and fake t!ts.

-Whenever there is a group of girls like a bunch of friends or something, there is always one girl that is the “big” one in the group.  i guess all guys have their own particular nicknames for that girl, from “Shamu”, or “landfill” or even “earthquake.”  The possibilities are endless.  Personally  i think a funny nickname to call the big girl in the group is “the Enforcer.”  To each his own i guess. 

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL –
Oh so i see that you’re married….

“Facebook etiquette”- “You know you’re from (insert awful hometown or college here) when….”  Can someone tell me why these are so popular all of a sudden?  Who decides this on Facebook?  Well whoever did it i’m telling your right now i’m anti and i’m not hopping on board.  “You know you’re from here when you remember Skippy the creepy waiter at that Diner.”  Oh wow, stuff from my past.  You’re making me feel so nostalgic, i think i have a wet spot in the front of my pants.  Grow up jerks.

Fast food tips-Have you ordered a McGangbang lately from McDonalds? My guess is no, and i’m also guessing you don’t know what that is.  Man are you an ignorant fool!  And i’m sure you don’t think it’s a real thing but go ahead and google the $hit out of it because you will definitely find it on the Interwebs.  Basically all you do is put an entire McChicken sandwich inside a double cheeseburger.  It’s simple enough and both items are on the dollar menu so you are basically getting a McDonalds feast for $2.16.  Enjoy!

Whoo hoo pictures!

After a B + blog at best on Tuesday this one is strictly money.  Yeah yeah no one wants to hear my hangover stories anymore.  But i have to hear everyone else’s stories like “Ooooh i’m having a baby!” or “My Uncle just died,” and blah blah blah blah.  We all have the same boring stories and these are mine.

Talk to you kids on Tuesday! – miguel jo$é

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