"Know what the best part of your blog is? The beginning part where you use someone else’s jokes…"- Lauren M

5 Aug

Blog 50, Holy f’n $hitballs kids!

Who could have possibly thought after my first blog that i would still be here 49 blogs later?  Not anyone who knows me that’s for sure.  i’m usually pretty big on getting fired up for something new and then forgetting about it immediately (Happy Hour Inc *cough*), but for some reason after 50 blogs i can say i am still going somewhat strong.  “Too bad you are not also still going somewhat funny!”

Thanks person who has been interrupting my blogs with awful insults since the beginning, but even your constant abuse won’t get me down today.  Besides leaving for camping shortly, for once during my miserable existence i can say i feel pretty proud of myself. “Too bad your parents and family can’t say the same thing!” Motherf’er… alright fine that one hurt.  But for serious, i just want to say thanks to all of you that have kept me going through all of this so far.  i’d like to think that even if no one was reading this at all that i would still be writing this blog anyways.  And since i am such an ego maniac i probably would be, but my heart would definitely not be in it as much as it is still is.

So for real i truly want to thank all of you that have become followers, and those of you that leave Facebook comments or comments on this site even though it is impossible for most.  To you it may be a simple “like” of my status on Facebook, but to me it means that people are still paying attention to my nonsense and that is more then i could have hoped for.  i’d like to thank a few people specifically, and those of you i don’t thank please take it personally and realize you weren’t thanked by name because you are not important to me and i could care less if you read my blog or not and would actually rather you didn’t.

First i’d like to thank my family for not disowning me after reading the absolute HORRIFICNESS that goes on in my mind.  Especially my mother who’s a very religious person who has been praying overtime in hopes that God will forgive me at the gates.  And never forget mom, as much as i love you and appreciate everything you and dad have done for me you can never, EVER talk about anything i write about in my blog to me in person.  EVER.

Thanks to Alicia and Jim Kohl who truly pushed me to do something with my comedy and for some reason believe in my “talent.”  It only took them 15 years of telling me i should do a blog before i actually did something, but sometimes it takes a little push or 10 from good friends before you ever get moving.

i’d also like to thank Stef Williams, Kimmie and Spiga for being my favorite readers.  Some people miss a blog or two which i totally expect, but these guys ALWAYS let me know when my blogs crack them up and if there are any readers that check out my blog every single time it is them!  You kids are the MONEY.

Thanks to Vanessa (who was my very first follower!) and Yadwiga who always like and comment when i post my blogs on Facebook.  Nothing is more depressing then when i post a new blog and get zero likes, but these two always make sure that never happens 🙂

Thanks to my Ramapo crew, from Jewell to Chuck to Fuchs and Melissa who i cannot BELIEVE they read my bull$hit!  Especially Melis who is smart and super nice and despite all that i can still make her laugh with my awfulness haha.  Oh and Sophia you are straight money too 🙂

Sue, Courtney, Alex, Michele and Shannon i would like to thank you all for letting me know that hot girls read my blogs haha.  Hopefully Sue can figure out how to post comments one day when i update my site but for real the amount of hotness you ladies add to my readership is something that truly makes me happy.  Because when it comes down to it that’s the real and only reason i write this blog, and that’s to hopefully score some a$$.  True i am currently 0-50, but that also means there is nowhere to go but up!

i REFUSE to thank Rob, because even though he is one of my best friends all he has ever given me to write as far as jokes are lines from “Just one of the Guys”. All balls itch it’s a fact!  C’mon, grow up buddy. “So great, you can thank Rob and not me.  Thanks a lot ahole!”  you know i would thank you Tommy but i can’t.  The reason why?  Tommy Sux.

And last and definitely least Stephanie K, who was actually the person that wrote all my jokes for the first 30 blogs haha.  Well not the entire blog but probably 50% of it.  Alright fine 90…  But anytime i had an idea that i needed to make meaner or funnier or both, Steph was always there to take my jokes to the next level.  If there was any real justice in this world she would be the one with blog because she is one of the funniest people i have ever met.  i’m just glad she is also the laziest and is the exact opposite of me as far as needing attention, so i will continue to steal her genius and pass it off as mine in the future.

Even though i’m at 50 blogs now i still feel like this is just the beginning.  And for those of you that have joined me on this ride already i can promise you the best is still yet to come! Notice i said best but not funniest because honestly i feel like i am almost out of jokes.  “By “almost” do you mean you haven’t been funny since blog #7?”  F*ck you buddy.  F*ck you.

So it’s come to this…  A Here Comes the Money Clip Show

RANDOM NONSENSE- Oldschool edition

 From Blog # 1 -i think the word “tween” is really hot.  i didn’t think it was possible to make the word TEEN any hotter but apparently they’ve done it.  I”m not positive but i’m pretty sure it means “Twenty-something teen”, or at least that’s what i plan to tell the cops when they come get me.  Speaking of cops, just because a website advertises “Barely legal Tweens”, it’s actually 100%, NOT legal…


Blog 10 -Here’s a message to all of you people who like to give the middle finger every time someone takes a picture of you… grow up already.  First of all, who are you giving the finger to?  Your friends and/or family taking the picture?  That’s awesome, way to be a classy individual.  Well why else do you do it?  Is it because you really don’t give an f???  Well, i’m guessing that can’t be it, otherwise you would just not be in the picture. Seems like a simple enough solution to me.  But besides all of that, do you know what’s the worst crime is from this awful habit?  It’s easily the most unoriginal and played out pose one can do, so not only are you saying F you to your friends and ruining a possible cherished memory you’re doing it in the most unoriginal and boring way possible.  Say cheese!


Blog 24 -Have you ever heard a couple say, “We’re trying to have a baby!”  Do you think, “Oh how sweet! They are starting their family, they really love each other and they are working on starting a family!”  If you do think that then you are NOT me.  Because when i hear couples say that all i hear is, “We are totally f*cking all the time! Morning, noon and night, if you don’t see us you can be sure he has his penis in my vagina!  F*ck F*ck F*ck that is all we are doing these days!  Notstop F*cking!”  So now if any of you think this the next time a couple tells you they are trying to have kids, then i’ve done my job.  Your welcome.


Blog 15- So i think it’s safe to say that both guys and gals alike all have different levels of underwear.  We all have “A” squad or “date night” underwear.  You know, that lucky thong we wear when we are hoping to get some a$$ although i’m sure you ladies wear nice things too.  But then we have “B” squad, which is your everyday work/gym underwear.  These are your constants, definitely not date night worthy but they will get you through each day.  When these get too old however, now you’re talking “C” squad.  These use to be everyday warriors but now they are suspect at best.  You know you’re pushing it once you start wearing these bad boys.  Last and definitely least is “D” squad.  NO ONE wants to be on D squad.  This is when you’re so desperate you’re either cutting a pair of shorts or you are down to wearing a bathing suit as underwear.  If you find yourself in the “D” squad area, you either need to go shopping or do some f’n laundry already!


Blog 38 – i almost wish they would let these dirtbag smokers smoke in the office.  Yeah it was smell to high heaven but at least they wouldn’t get 2 hours more worth of breaks then i get.  EVERY GDDAMN SECOND these fools are walking outside for the 15-45 min smoke break, coming back in smelling like they just buried their faces in a cigarettes pu$$y.  If i can’t take a break to go have a beer and/or smoke a bowl then you guys shoudn’t be able to take cigarette breaks every hour.  i’m glad cigarettes are $10 bucks a pack and they won’t let you smoke anywhere, i hope it goes up to $50.  Nice addiction aholes, enjoy that slow painful death you are giving yourself.


Blog 12- Does anyone else take showers lying down?  i do.  And i don’t mean baths, i know what baths are.  I mean i turn on the shower but instead of standing up during it i lie down.  Am i really the only one who does this? I just don’t get it, i mean the only difference between you and me is that i get to lie down and relax during my shower while the rest of you are standing up.  How do you have all that energy?  I mean i literally just got of bed!  Do you also stand up at your computer desk at work?  Or do you sit down at a chair because it’s a million times more relaxing?  Yeah that’s what i thought, my whole lying down during a shower thing makes a lot more sense now doesn’t?  I would think more people do this but i’m apparently the only one. Oh well, if i’m the only smart person so be it.  And if you are wondering what i call them i call them “showbathers”.  If you can think of a better name let me know.


Blog 20 -“For English, press 1”.  Are you one of those people who absolutely HATE this??  “This is America, speak English!”  “Why should i have to press 1 in my own country, this is bull$hit!!!!!”  Calm down white person who can’t handle helping others, have you stopped to realize what you are getting so worked up about?  It’s pressing a button, that’s it.  That’s all you have to do to help out millions of Americans who have trouble with the language.  Plenty of people had to do whatever they could to get to this country in order to give themselves and their families a better life, including your own ancestors who unless you are an American Indian are not originally from here either.  So with all the hardships these people have to face, through all the predjudice and trying to learn a new language and adapt to a new culture you’re going to be absolutely INFURIATED because you have to press one stupid button?  Simmer down folks, if pressing a button is the hardest thing you have to do all day consider yourself lucky.  But people never think about helping others, they only think about their own inconvienence which in this case is the extra step of PRESSING ONE BUTTON ON A PHONE.  And also, it’s the number 1!  It’s not like they are saying for English press “8”, you are still number 1 even with these choices!!  White people’s problems are so boring….


Haha that’s enough being lazy for one blog, but it was fun to take a look back.   Whoo hoo 50!  Grow up and write some new material ahole!  Anyways i’m going camping in a few hours so if you never hear from me again it’s been real kids.  Wait, i can’t joke like that because my mom is mad worried.  i’ll be fine Ma!  And just in case i’m not i got my will taped to my chest so when they find me they’ll know what to do.   


Thanks again for reading everyone, i’ll see you with all “new” nonsense next Tuesday!
 – miguel jo$e

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3 Responses to “"Know what the best part of your blog is? The beginning part where you use someone else’s jokes…"- Lauren M”

  1. Anonymous August 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    I love the underwear one & the laying down in the shower…classic! Keep it up! I love reading your sh!t and I keep telling Brian to check it out, but he's too lazy. 🙂

    Like

  2. Anonymous August 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    omg I literally starting choking on my lunch because I was laughing so hard…my co-worker's definitely think i'm insane.

    Congrats on 50! So proud of you! Thanks for giving me something to read during lunch! =)

    -Stef

    Like

  3. Anonymous August 5, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    🙂 – Penelope

    Very proud of 50 blogs. Cannot wait for 500! Or 1111 haha

    Like

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