Last time i went camping i got a pamphlet that said if a bear approaches i’m supposed to play dead. Really? We’re going to rely on my acting skills? Play dead, who came up with that? Maybe, THE BEARS! "Play dead, cover yourself in honey, and climb on a large white plate. Don’t try to run away from us, i mean the Bears…"- Jim Gaffigan

2 Aug

What is up campers!

So i thought i was gonna save my camping blog for Friday but instead i’m going to do a look back at my experience of writing 50 blogs this Friday.  Wait, what?!?  Friday will be my 50th blog?!?!  It sure will, but let’s work on #49 for a second first, shall we?

As i alluded to in last week’s blog this weekend is my annual camping trip with my “college” friends. College being in quotes because by the time it was all said and done it took me 3 colleges to graduate, and i was only at that particular college for a year and half.  i’d like to say i went to 3 schools because that was the route i took in becoming a doctor now, i’d like to say that.  But no, apparently joining a fraternity my first semester and partying nonstop day and night and never doing homework or going to class gives you a 1.9 G.P.A. at the end of 3 semesters.  So please hold off on the Doctor miguel jose talk for now, unless that’s what we are playing in the bedroom.  “i’m sorry Miss but we seem to be all out of tongue depressors at the moment….”

But yeah for the last 11 or so years (holy f*ckballs you are old!) i’ve been going with 5 of my friends on a camping trip to Port Jervis, NY at Camp Kidatouchee.  Actually the real name is Camp Kittatinny but after an “incident” year 3 (that has yet to be proven by the cops or any court of law) it will always be Camp Kidatouchee to us.  And for 11 years the basic plan has been the same.  We arrive Friday around 2ish and set up our tents and that nonsense.  We start a bonfire and start boozing and eating fantastic food that my boy Jay John makes until we get black out drunk and pass out.  Wake up semi-early and go rafting on the Delaware river for 5 hours, boozing heavily the entire time.  Nobody ever wants to paddle because we are all out of shape aholes and have never once gotten all 6 of us to paddle at the same time ever.  We get back to our site, nap because we are old men and then wake up and start a bonfire and booze and eat our faces off again until someone (me) throws up everywhere and wakes up next to a bear with my pants off, then we pack it up all up the next day, stop at Perkins for breakfast and go over the funds situation which is what we all dread and then say goodbye to not see each other for another year.

Does that sound like fun?  It should, it is easily one of my favorite weekends of the year. Personally i love camping.  To me camping is like tailgating for a sports event, except there is no event.  But isn’t that the best part of going to a sporting event anyway, the tailgate?  i love football more then life itself but i don’t go to games because i enjoy freezing up on level 400 when i could easily be at home on my couch in warmth watching all the games on the Red Zone channel and checking my fantasy football stats nonstop as i sit in a pile of my own filth and stink and buffalo wings.  The only real fun part of the football game is the tailgating.  The grilling, the boozing, the blazing.  Just lamping out and enjoying life.  And that’s what camping is to me, just a nonstop tailgate without any of that boring “game” to interrupt it.

And camping is the last place i feel that i can truly be myself.  There is no one to judge me in the woods when i do a power hour and wake up on a picnic table at 4 am covered in Smores with no pants on. “That’s not marshmallow buddy!”  When i have a burger and a brat and bacon wrapped scallops and a chicken fajita all for one meal, no one feels to need to tell me that might be why my arm is so “tingly”.  Nope, it’s only me, my boys and nature.  Oh and drugs, plenty of drugs.

And Racism!  MAN do i have some racist friends!  But you know all those jokes you can’t say in the office or in front of your family or really in front of anyone that has any sort of conscience or shred of decency?  ALL of those jokes come out during camping.  Nothing we honestly feel of course, although i’m pretty sure 1/2 of my friends hate $pics.  But yeah coming up with the most racist and horrifically offensive jokes during camping is an annual tradition, and i can’t wait to see the jokes we come up with this year that won’t get any of us into Heaven.  i’m not saying we are THAT offensive, but if Casey Anthony got in before all of us we wouldn’t be that surprised…

But besides all the fantastic food and booze and drugs and racism and lack of responsibility, it is really the time with my friends i look forward to the most.  A lot of them are married now; hell most of them are actually.  And they’re all dads too!  Jeebus Christmas when we first started this some of us couldn’t legally drink.  Hell Chuck was still a virgin, and now he’s a dad!  But with all of us all growns up it’s just hard to find the time to get together, especially when we don’t really live that close and those guys have stuff to do like “raising children” and “being husbands”.  Those two things alone really cut into their drinking time.

But this weekend isn’t about the time we don’t get to hang out; this weekend is about once again proving we will always be immature aholes at heart.  i’ll say it again kids, this is one of my favorite weekends of the year hands down.  And i feel it is my responsibility to take all these fathers, these mature men who are no longer boys, and get them so f’n $hitfaced and obliviated that they are the ones on all 4’s puking their guts out into their shower Sunday morning getting yelled at by their wives.  It is then and only then, that i truly consider myself proud of what a good friend i have become.


-If you are telling me a story and it ends with “you had to be there…” then that probably means I won’t laugh or think it was funny and you probably should have kept it to yourself to begin with.  You might as well describe to me a dream you had, or show me a bunch of photos that i’m not in and don’t have any hot girls in them because those are other things i do not give a flying f*ck about.  Or any kind of f*ck for that matter.

-i f’n LOVE breakfast.  It is by far my favorite food; i would literally eat it for every meal if i could.  Getting older sux donkey balls but the fact that as a grown up i can make pancakes and bacon for dinner makes me a happy man.  At home, at a diner, and ESPECIALLY at fast places i always want breakfast.  i think the biggest fast food tragedy is that you can’t order a McGriddle at 5 pm, what the F is with that!?!?!  We will never be an advanced society until i can order a Croissantwich and cheesy tots whenever i damn well please. And whoever came up with the whole idea of a Pancake dinner should be given the gddamn Nobel prize.  In fact f*ck it, i’m taking a break from this blog right now to make a sausage and cheese omelet with rye toast, just because i can.  God Bless America.

-Can guys who are not on the beach please stop wearing flip flops?  Honestly, no one wants to see girls feet but literally NO ONE wants to see your hairy ass disgusting guy feet.  Even though i don’t condone the showing of any feet, at least most girls will get a pedicure or something when they wear flip flops.  Guys have these mangled toes and yellow chipped toenails covering their shaggy disgusting feet for the entire world to see.  Actually i take that back, you can’t even wear flip flops on the beach anymore.  Your privileges have been revoked.  Although if you continue to wear them i won’t feel bad when the sight of them causes me to throw up all over your uncovered toes, maybe my warm bile on your feet will make you rethink the whole flip flop idea. 

Fast food tips- Alright this place isn’t really “fast food” but it must be said, Applebees f’n sux BALLS.  Never, EVER go there.  It tries to be a ghetto’er TGIFriday’s but the only thing they got right is the ghetto part.  First of all, there are only like 6 items on the menu.  And those items are all HORRIBLE.  If i wanted a microwave dinner i would have gone to Shop rite and bought one.  Plus if i did cook it myself i wouldn’t be relying on some white trash guy in the back being the one to hit start and stop.  The only thing i will say is their new “stuffed meatballs” dish is amazing!  i mean as long as you like your meatballs stuffed with air and awful meat and no cheese.  If you actually wanted them stuffed with anything good then no i guess they are not so amazing. 

“Facebook etiquette”- Listen Facebook, i know i go on your site a hundred times a day but i’m still not making you my “Homepage”… so stop asking!

Blog 50 is this Friday!  If you haven’t become a follower yet this is your last chance before you officially can’t be an “oldschool” blog fan!  i mean you don’t have to become a follower, a lot of people love being posers and just hopping on the bandwagon.  Let me guess, you also became a Yankee fan in 1996 didn’t you?  Can’t name the shortstop before Derek Jeter, huh?  So yeah that’s cool, don’t become a follower like the 25 other people i adore.

And oh yeah you can probably expect my “Greatest Hits” this Friday which basically means i’m copying old $hit cause i’m lazy.  Whatever, suck it bitches!  Blog 50 this Friday!
– miguel jo$e xoxoxoxo

One Response to “Last time i went camping i got a pamphlet that said if a bear approaches i’m supposed to play dead. Really? We’re going to rely on my acting skills? Play dead, who came up with that? Maybe, THE BEARS! "Play dead, cover yourself in honey, and climb on a large white plate. Don’t try to run away from us, i mean the Bears…"- Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Anonymous August 2, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    100% agree with guys not wearing flip flops…guys feet are gross!


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