Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time. – Frank the Tank "Oldschool"

29 Jul

What is up kids?

At this point that quote pretty much sums up how i hope i spend my Saturday.  I’ll be honest kids, i am HURT UP as i write this as i am suffering through day 2 of my hangover.  i honestly HAVE to give up drinking vodka, it is literally going to be the death of me.  Every time i do the same thing though, i get one of the flavored ones and then mix it with Sprite and drink a whole bottle of it because it’s delicious.  And it murders me every time but every time i go back and drink a whole bottle of it because it’s delicious!  i hope my quasi funny blog and limited insight into pointless things does not fool anyone reading this blog every Tuesday and Friday.  My witty banter in no way means i am a smart individual.  In fact it’s quite the opposite, i am a dumb human being, a borderline moron.  And by borderline i mean i am a raging idiot.  Or at the very least let’s just say i never learn from my mistakes.  Including falling for Italian girls… NO!!  i refuse to fall for anymore again!!!!  Even though they are really hot and … NO!!!!!!!

My chest really hurts today.  No not because of heartbreak but if that was your guess good for you, you’re really picking up on what a romantic douchebag i am.  i think it’s from throwing up so much, both the night i drank and the next day.  When i throw up twice due to boozing that is bad news. Because when i do throw up i throw UP.  And i mean everything, whatever i had to eat that day and the day prior are now coming up the same hole they came in instead of that smelly other one it would go through normally.  Haha i feel like i bored 95% of the people who read my blog with my political nonsense this past Tuesday so i’m going back to what appeals to my base today.

But yeah anyways normally when i throw my lungs up the night before i don’t have to then throw up again the next morning.  So when i do throw up the next day as well, i know i had an exceptionally bad night as was the case this week.  The worst part was that usually when i throw up in the shower i’m on all fours puking into the drain.  This time i was laying on my back just throwing up on myself in agony because it just hurt so bad, all the while smelling that orange smirnoff and Sprite one again.  How’s that for an endorsement?  But yeah it just straight up hurt vomiting all over myself again and again, and days later i am still in pain over it.  Emotional and physical.  And psychological.  So i think i’m gonna take off this weekend to recover.  i’m sure i’m disappointing some of you but i promise next week i will make up for it.

Besides, next Friday i am going away for my annual camping trip with my boys.  So Friday’s pre-camping rant and then the follow up the Tuesday after should probably be pretty insane, so you kids better stay tuned!  Camping is usually one of my best performances of the year and i expect this year to be no different.  In fact i’m going to pick up a bottle of Cherry Three Olives vodka and a bottle of Sprite right now!!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Even though i think i am better then most people, i don’t really consider myself an “elitist”.  i don’t need to get name brand labels for all the food and/or products i buy.  i enjoy $hitty light beer, Natty light being my favorite as the moment.  i don’t need to go out for expensive steak dinners or get hot lobster rolls in drawn butter.  i’m totally fine eating at a shady diner at 3 a.m. or picking up a Crave Case from White Castle and going to town on those bad boys.  But one thing i REFUSE to cheap out on is toilet paper.  i am a full fledged toilet paper snob, and refuse to use anything but the best.  Personally, my favorites are either Quilted Northern Ultra Plush or Cottonelle with Aloe, but if anyone has any good suggestions i am down to hear them.  Girls, even though they use toilet paper every time they go to the bathroom don’t use it with the “tenacity” most guys do, or at least myself.  Most of my experiences in the bathroom are as horrific as the battle of Helms Deep, or to those of you who aren’t nerds i’ll just say my trips to the bowl are similar to the levies breaking in New Orleans.  And I accept this, with the amount i booze and the awful stuff i eat it’s to be expected.  What i cannot handle is having a 7.2 on the Richter scale going on and the only supplies i have are 1 ply sandpaper.  i can’t afford yachts or hot tubs in my living room, but i will spend the extra 9 beans to guarantee soft loving toilet paper to ease my suffering.  So if you only buy cheap 1-ply garbage grow up already and don’t invite me over your house until you step it up. 

-When i think back to high school, once i get over how young and hot those girls were and how i should have spent every waking second banging each one of them legally, one thing i also remember is gym class.  Or more importantly, Volleyball in gym class.  Did everyone else take that as seriously as my high school did?  No one cared about any other activity we did in gym class.  Basketball, track (or really walking one lap in an hour), line dancing, gymnastics, or whatever other garbage they tried to make us do.  Normally every gym class was spent either trying to get out of having to change into our disgusting gym clothes that we never washed or at the very least changing and doing nothing.  But not during Volleyball sessions, they were always SO intense.  Full trash talking and yelling and full hating each other especially your friends.  And the worst would be if you had gym like third period because you would go all out for volleyball and then be a sweaty mess the rest of the day because NO ONE ever used the showers.  Or maybe it was just the high school i went to but man volleyball was the money!

-i can’t remember if i said this thought already and if i did then go f yourself i’m tired and hungover still.  But i wish it was okay for guys to carry around purses.  i would carry EVERYTHING in a purse if i could have one.  And no  i don’t want an Indiana Jones satchel like Zack Galifianakis wears in the “Hangover”.  i mean i just want a straight up purse.  Cargo shorts are okay cause they have mad pockets to hold stuff but i don’t feel we will be totally advanced as a society until it is totally acceptable that i carry a purse.  You would have thought they would allowed that before they allowed gay marriage in New York but of course they always get everything backasswards in this country.  Grow up America.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL-Is that a new belt buckle?

Fast food tips – $5 P’zones are back at Pizza Hut!  If you don’t know what they are they are the f’n P’MONEY.  It’s a pizza calzone that comes in Supremo, Pepperoni, and Meaty which is my personal favorite.  Here is how they describe it on the website:  “It’s multi-meat mayhem in there. Stuffed with all your favorites – pepperoni, ham, Italian sausage, pork, beef, and of course cheese.”  Um, yes please!

“Facebook etiquette”- Hey fellas, be careful when creeping on a girls FB page and then you see that girl in person that you don’t bring up stuff that is evidence of your creeping.  “So how was that shore house?  It looked crazy when you fell down laughing on the boardwalk and dropped your fried oreos and all your friends were laughing at you!  And i really dig that bikini you were wearing!”  Um, since we haven’t talked since high school i’m gonna guess you were stalking my FB page…

i know what you’re thinking, A+ today on my blog. You are welcome my friends, you are welcome.  i would like to apologize to my Uncle Octavio in case he’s reading this though.  Like i said 98% of you were either bored or angry by my politics talk but my Uncle actually complimented me on that blog.  Unfortunately the next one i write has to be about me puking and $hitting on myself so whatever i did to impress him i am sure he is now super disappointed in my awfulness.  This blog was needed though, i needed to write this for my own sanity.  And to make you childish aholes laugh who don’t follow the news, so i hope you immature fools appreciate it!

Cya Tuesday……. – miguel jo$é

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2 Responses to “Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time. – Frank the Tank "Oldschool"”

  1. Anonymous July 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    well done! This is exactly what I needed to get my hungover @ss thru the day today as well….:-)

    Like

  2. Anonymous July 29, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    I can't believe you are still hung over…grow-up already…and I love how you are totally jealous of my purse…lol =)
    -stef

    Like

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