If there’s one thing I hate its losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer – Kenny Powers

19 Jul

What is up kids?

Oh soccer.  Way to get me into your sport for another hot minute and then crush me right at the end.  C’mon, penalty kicks?  That was just garbage.

If you don’t know what i’m talking about then you avoided the soccer “craze” over the USA women and to be honest good for you.  i guess there was no point in getting your hopes up just to have them annihilated in the final seconds.  Did everyone else think missing those first 50 shots that should have been goals was going to come back and hurt the US in the end?  Yeah me too.  And i don’t care how hot Liberty Skywalker is, she can’t stop a goal when all 11of her defenders couldn’t clear the ball for the life of them.  Oh wait, what was her name?  Oh yeah, Freedom Chewbacca. 

But i will give credit where credit is due, and those ladies even though they blew it when it counted actually got me to sit and watch an entire soccer game.  Which itself is an amazing feat considering the last soccer game i watched was when i played on the Tornados in the B League when i was seven.  And now that the Mets are f’n God awful yet again, soccer could actually be a sport that i end up watching all the time now.  Haha just kidding.  But for real, the fact that i actually watched a game that wasn’t the World Cup is pretty impressive.  Hell i’ve actually watched two games starting with that Gold Cup final with the men a few weeks ago when Mexico beat the USA in the finals.  Man, what is it about the US and not being able to win a finals game in soccer? Oh yeah, most of them are white people.

Speaking of white people, does anyone know the real reason soccer will never be big in this country? It’s not the actual sport, because soccer can actually be pretty money when you make yourself sit and watch it.  And that Women’s finals game was a perfect example of how exciting soccer really is.  No, the game has nothing to do with the popularity of the sport.  The real reason soccer will never be big as it should be is because there is nowhere to put any advertising.  Why else do you think football and baseball and even basketball will always be so huge in this country?  i mean the NBA is garbage nowadays, all it is one on one basketball and the last 2 minutes take about 5 hours with all the fouls and nonstop timeouts. 

But that’s the key!  What can a$$hole t.v. executives do during all these nonstop stoppages in play?  Show nonstop commercials!  Football is the f’n worst with commercials, anyone who has the Sunday ticket can tell you that.  Sure you can watch every game but that also means you end up watching the same Miller lite commercial 500 million f’n times till you want to shove the remote in your jugular.  But football is the best sport ever so we put up with it.  Baseball is more boring but there are so many stops in play between innings and pitching changes that the t.v. execs love baseball just as much. 

But soccer literally gives you ZERO chances to show commercials.  All it is in nonstop playing of the sport and t.v. execs HATE that.  Why wouldn’t they?  If there’s no stoppage in play they can’t get their money by showing endless amounts of advertising.  So until they figure out a way where these greedy a$$holes can make even more millions by showing awful commercials this sport will never, ever get big in America. 

i do have one idea to try and get this sport over in America, it’s a little radical but it’s the sport’s only chance.  They play on a huge green field which is basically a large green screen.  Just show ads during the game on the field while they are playing!  This way they don’t stop the action of the sport and these t.v. execs can still be the greedy f*ckers that they are and show more advertising!  Some of you may think that’s crazy but trust me it is the only chance that sport has.  Besides having super hot goalies of course.

But if there’s one thing i learned out of all of this, is that the United States soccer team both the men and the women can learn a huge lesson if they just watch “Teen Wolf”.  No, not that new horrific new MTV show trying to attract viewers from the stupid Vampire craze.  Although if you’re a girl and when i said “Teen Wolf” that’s what you thought of that is super hot and i appreciate your youth.  No, i’m talking about the 1985 movie with Michael J Fox.  i learned a lot from that film, i mean who didn’t?  But there was a song at the end of the movie that would have taught both US soccer teams everything they needed to know.  The song is called “Win in the End”, and the chorus has an important message they need to learn to live by that goes, “Win in the End.  i’m gonna win in the end.”  Think about that song United States soccer players, and more importantly watch that movie so  you get the full message.  And maybe next time you are in the final you will think to yourself, “hey, win in the end! i’m gonna win in the end!”  And if not you can always surf on a van while Styles is driving.  You’re welcome America.


-What’s with girls and all this feather in their hair nonsense?  i honestly will never get women, they are always doing things to distract guys from how naturally beautiful they are.  “Look at this colorful feather in my hair!  Check out all my crazy tattoos!  They are fun and different!”  Well i was staring at your fantastic boobs and that nice a$$ but i guess i can look at that unicorn as well…   But yeah i don’t know when or how this feather thing started but it is just okay at best.  i don’t hate it but it really does nothing for me and it’s kind of silly. 

-Who designed martini glasses? i’m guessing a$$holes.  Don’t get me wrong, there ain’t nothing wrong with getting down and dirty with a dirty.  But these glasses are shaped so that it’s basically impossible to do anything but sit there and drink slowly unless you want to pour half that $8 drink all over the place.  Oh so now i get it, they do that so you spill it and have to order more of them.  They really ARE designed by a$$holes.  It makes much more sense to me now.  Carry on.

-Why aren’t there any good tv shows on over the summer?  They always wait until the fall to put on the “real” T.V. shows because network execs think people are oot and aboot during the summer and don’t just sit home doing nothing.  Which makes me wonder, have these execs ever seen the people in this country?  These large behemoths going from fast food joint to fast food joint eating nonstop garbage and never exercising?  Do they not think these people watch T.V. over the summer??  C’mon aholes put SOMETHING i can watch on the tube please, it’s 8 o’clock i just picked up Wendy’s, it’s 95 f’n degrees out and all i can watch are new episodes of f’n “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Master Chef”.  “OMG miguel i love those shows!”  Of course you do, that’s why you’re the real problem in this country and i’ll never get to watch decent $hit over the summer!

Fast food tips – First of all, if you haven’t seen Transformers 3 in 3-D Imax yet you are BLOWING it.  It’s the best 3-D movie yet, it’s basically Avatar but instead of beautiful colorful landscapes and cheesy aliens shoving their tail/penises into everything on the planet it’s huge monster robots wrecking house all over the Earth.  And yes i realized Transformers 2 is probably the worst movie i have ever seen in the theater and i would rather have my temperature taken rectally with a thermometer the size of  a keg.  A full keg, not a quarter keg.  But that being said, the Cheddar bacon ranch chicken sandwich at Burger King associated with Transformers is f’n AMAZING, by far one of the best fast food sandwiches i’ve had in a long time.  It’s mad expensive, i think the combo deal is like 35 bucks but trust me it is f’n worth it.

The Money $hot-out of the Week – i was hoping to give this week’s shout out to the United States Women’s Soccer team and more importantly their super hot goalie, Faith Jar Jar Binks.  But this week’s shout out goes to to Senor Dinero en el Banco!  That means Mr. Money in the bank kids, and he is the moneyest wrestler in the world today.  Not only did he win the first ever 40 man Royal Rumble a few months ago, he is has also won and now has the money in the bank.  His name, his name is Alberto Del RRRRRRRRRIOOOOO!   But you already know that…  Yeah yeah i know only 3 of the readers of this blog actually watch wrestling, but this guy is Mexican and he’s going to be bigger then Stone Cold one day.  That’s right Spiga, bigger then Stone Cold!  Don’t be mad at me because all you have is that tiny Italian winning the tag team belt!  But i will admit Santino maybe the funniest guy in wrestling of all time.  That little Italian basterd haha.

“Facebook etiquette”- Hey girls who don’t hide their profiles so that i can still look at your pictures and creep on your page even though we are not friends…. THANK YOU!!!!!  🙂

Um… A-?  Alright fine possible B plus on this blog.  But i helped you avoid work and waste some time getting to 5 o’clock, and hopefully made you chuckle once or twice.  And that’s all i’m trying to do really.  That and i need attention more then the Beebs and his hot Mexican girlfriend who are apparently sneaking into weddings these days.  But i hope everyone has a good week, not sure what i have in store for Friday yet but besides my next installment of things guy never want to hear at a urinal i’m sure i’ll have some other fun goodness.  Or maybe not, we’ll see i guess.

later dicks! – miguel jo$é xoxoxoxoxoxo


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