i know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, i know you’ll be a star…in somebody else’s sky. But why can’t it be mine? – Eddie Vedder "Black"

15 Jul

What is up kids?

Aren’t break-ups the f*cking WORST?  Gddamn i feel like most of my life has been spent getting over one girl or another.  Of course that is my fault because like i always say i’m a huge sensitive pu$$y, so i kinda deserve most of the misery i give myself i guess.

But for something that most people have to deal with at one point or another its surprising how little sympathy people get for going through a break up.  Like we get sick and vacation days off from work, same thing as bereavement.  But you get NOTHING when you are going through a break up, you just need to suck it up and live your life no matter how much pain you are going through.  Of course they couldn’t really give days off for that, the same way they can’t give you bereavement days for your pets.  Not that it doesn’t hurt, it’s just too easy of a thing for people to take advantage of and aholes would be taking off every other day for a break-up or losing their hamster or something.

But anyways, the pain that comes with breaking up with someone (or rather getting dumped) has always been MURDEROUS.  The kind of hurt where you are in literal pain.  You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, every gddamn thing you see or hear reminds you of the other person.  You listen to the mostly murderously depressing music while you cry holding a razor to your veins in the shower.  All you can think about is them with someone else, probably having the most insanely great sex of their life as you debate whether you are going to jump off of a tall building or blow your brains out on her front door step with a shotgun and that note you spent 9 hours writing her.

And your friends are there to help but they can only do so much.  First of all they’d all rather you be single because you’re much more fun that way.  Plus they are all secretly happy it didn’t work out in the first place because none of them liked that person anyway.  But the main thing is that even though your friends kinda feel bad for you, NO ONE can bear to listen to you cry and whine about the same bull$hit OVER AND OVER again.  It’s just like get over it already, you two weren’t meant to be and that’s it.  Life goes on, you’ll find someone else, and blah blah blah.

It’s the same song and dance for everybody.  When you are going through a break up it feels like no one else on the planet feels your pain, that no one could possibly understand what you are going through.  But the real tragedy out of all of this is that there is no more common emotion on the planet then utter heartbreak.  People experience different levels of happiness in their lives, and some people handle death better then others.  But everyone knows how utterly hopeless and miserable you feel when you become single when you didn’t want to, anyone going through it is no different then the next person who just got dumped.  It’s hard to believe it because the hurt is so deep and the pain so intense, but believe it buddy you are just like everybody else.

i wish i had some answers on how to help you get through this but there really aren’t any.  The only thing that ever makes you feel better is time, which is the WORST answer but it is the only true one.  The pain you feel now is not the pain you will be feeling a year, and all you can do to try and feel better is to find things to pass the time.  Yeah you’ll have your ups and downs, life is all about the ebb and flow of things. Try not to regret too much because even if you made the worst decision life is not so much about the bad decisions we make rather it’s more how we react and learn to them.  Because let’s be honest, i may be super hot and tremendous in the sack i am just not that smart.  So i can’t get down on myself too much for being a dumb ahole, that will never change.  i can only hope that eventually i do find someone who can accept my faults, someone i can make laugh all the time, and hopefully that person is a 21 year old blonde cheerleader with Giants season tickets who loves hispanic guys and LOST and has a bl0w j0b fetish.  i can dream can’t i?

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i f’n HATE taking pictures for people.  i don’t really hate taking my own even though i rarely if ever do it.  But i’m talking about when a group of girls are like “OMG take our picture please!”  Because you kinda have to do it once they ask you, if you just say “No!” they think you are a total ahole.  But if there is ANYONE else around me in my eyesight i immediately pass that responsibility to them.  i’m not even sure why i hate this to be honest, i just do.  idk, i guess i just don’t want the pressure of trying to capture their prescious moment in time.  And then when you are taking the picture and every f’n girl in the picture is like “oh now take one with my camera next!” and you end up having to take like 50 pictures?  Yeah that makes me want to punch everyone in the face.  It sucks everyone has those digital cameras now so they can see immediately what the picture is like and make you take it again if they don’t like it.  Back in the old days like in the early 2000’s i had zero problems pretending to the take the picture and then when they weren’t looking putting the camera down my pants and taking a pic of my sweaty Hispanic nutsack.  That’ll learn those girls to ask strangers to take their pictures.

-Has anyone else realized they call it “Processing and Handling” now on infomercials instead of “Shipping and Handling” like they did when i was a kid?  “That was 40 years ago!”  Eat me girl thinking that, at least i haven’t hit “the wall” yet.  But anyways, when they offer you the 2nd thing free and go “just pay separate shipping and handling!”  What they are really are saying is “if you thought you were paying only 20 beans you will now be paying 50 beans when this is all said and done, if not more!” And how dare they use the word “Processing” when they really mean hitting a button changing the 1 to a 2.  What an f’n scam, everything is the worst. But regardless i am still getting myself that “Swivel store”!  All those spices on a rack but barely taking up any cabinet space?? i’m all in! 

-i love “Man vs Food”, and i love Adam Richman.  But have any of you seen the new season, “Man vs Food Nation” that’s on Travel channel on Wednesdays?  You should have because it’s the summer and there is NOTHING good on T.V.  But yeah don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that he is so much bigger this season, even after he gained so much weight for 2nd season after the first one.  i mean yeah obviously it’s because he does these crazy challenges, but i must admit i kinda think it’s our fault.  i mean he’s always on T.V. because we watch him all 24-7.  So technically by watching his show all the time we are murdering him.  The more you enjoy his show the more you are slowly killing him.  That’s right, you’re a murderer.  Enjoy your Friday.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL– “Hey, nice watch!”

Fast food tips -Did you know how to ALWAYS guarantee that the fries you get at McDonalds are fresh?  Of course you don’t know how, that’s why you come to me for these fast food gems i throw at you.  But if you want to guarantee the fries you get at McDonalds are freshly made, just order them without salt.  “But i love the salt!!!”  Of course you do, but the fries they make already have salt on them so if no one orders them they can sit there for hours.  If you order them without salt they have to make a fresh batch, and then you can add all the salt you want.  Then when you’re eating hot fresh salty McDonalds fries you can make your own fresh batch in your pants.

“Facebook etiquette”- isn’t it the worst when your “Boss” tries to friend request you on Facebook?  Because it’s tough to ignore the request, especially when you see them everyday.  But the last thing you want is for you to call out for being “sick” and your boss to see you FB status from the night before, “Out drinking on a Tuesday night!  Def plan on calling out 2mrw, my f’n dumba$$ Ahole boss can go F herself!  And oh yeah i’m doing lines of Coke and smoking Meth, and i bought all of this with money i stole from work because my wh0rebag boss is too dumb to realize it!”  i mean first of all that’s a pretty long and descripitve status update, but yeah it is def tough to try and explain that one when you do come back to work.

Yeah i know, this week’s of blogs was f’n OUTSTANDING.  i keep thinking i’m gonna run out of funny stuff and then i end up topping myself, kinda like what Tosh does with gay acts on his show.  Is it me or is that show straight up Jackass 2 and 3 gay these days?  Besides introducing me to the beauty that is Kate Upton that show is borderline gay porn for real.

But yeah once again i hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.  Thanks for keeping up with my blog, if you haven’t become a follower yet you read it every week just do it already!  It only takes a few seconds or hours to sign up, i forget which.   And to those of you who have figured out how to make comments please keep doing so cause i love them, they kill me everytime. 

And happy birthday to my little brother Tomas, as well as my loyal follower and good friend Courtney!  i love Tomas more then life and am glad he is doing so well for himself.  Way better then me that’s for sure.  And me and Courtney have been becoming the super money friends again lately which i am a hugemongous fan of and i can’t wait to party with her for her bday on Saturday night.  And yes that means Tuesday’s blog will probably have another horrific hangover story, don’t judge me jerks!  – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “i know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, i know you’ll be a star…in somebody else’s sky. But why can’t it be mine? – Eddie Vedder "Black"”

  1. Anonymous July 15, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

    Thanks Dr. Phil…I am slightly less suicidal after your description of what everyone goes through during a break-up lol

    -Stef

    Like

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