Just when I thought you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself! – Harry "Dumb and Dumber"

12 Jul

What is up kids? 

Nothing like a little Dumb and Dumber quote to start off your Tuesday.  Man, remember when Jim Carrey was funny?  Like the funniest guy on the planet?  Now he’s doing movies like Mr Popcorn’s Penguins or whatever it is.  i saw that trailer and i honestly just felt bad, it’d be like watching Michael Jordan try to play basketball in the NBA today and you’re just like sorry buddy, you do NOT have it anymore.  Although if Jordan played Lebron he probably could still beat him as long as they played a full game since we all know Lebron disappears in the 4th quarter…

Haha i think Jordan is on my mind today because i am now at 23 followers!  Almost halfway to halfway to 100!  Thank you to everyone who has bothered to sign up so far, you are def the money followers.  And to the people who keep asking me what does becoming a follower mean well it doesn’t really mean anything except to show others who may happen to land on this site how many people actually care to read my garbage.  It is basically the same as “liking” a post on Facebook, so the more people who do it the more other people will see how f’n cool i am.  Although most of you probably lost interest halfway through this paragraph so i’ll get off this topic i think…

So yeah i had this tremendous blog about break-ups that i wanted to do today but i think i’m going to wait for Friday for that one.  i’m just not sure how many people are into the Tuesday blog, i may have to switch days i think.  My Friday ones seem to be a big hit but on Tuesday everyone’s in full swing at work like jerks and don’t seem to have as much time to enjoy my literary masterpieces.  So maybe i’ll switch from Tuesday to another day, who knows.  i’m glad i work for myself because my boss is mad lazy and unmotivated  and sexy and he never gets mad at me for subpar work which seems to be increasing as these blogs go on….

No that’s bull$hit!  The rant part is still becoming more diary then rant lately but my random nonsense is as funny as ever!  “If you mean they’re still not that funny then you are correct sir!”  F you person who makes fun of me but obviously reads all my blogs anyways so i will welcome your open criticism.  Even if my rant part isn’t that good there is always at least one good random nonsense each blog. “That is being generous ahole!”  Alright now you’re just being a dick, if i ever find you i will f’n kill you motherfe’r!   Wow, did i lose everybody yet?  i’m guessing yes….

 Well the reason i started off today with a Dumb and Dumber quote was because i went to this party last Saturday and everyone there was like Doctors and kinda rich and motivated people, basically the exact opposite of the people i normally hang out with.  People came to the party bringing bottles of wine and cases of Sam Adams summer brew and Imported Ale’s i’ve never heard of and they were making mojitos and serving hummus.  All of this is very different then the normal parties i attend where i show up with however many Natty lights i had left in my refrigerator and we order Dominoes late night.  And don’t get me wrong, everyone at this party was very nice, it was just a totally different scene for a classless ahole like myself.  And i really started thinking are these people that much smarter then me?  They make way more money, they went to better schools and have better jobs and have things like money in their bank account and a portfolio and plans for the future.  Are these people better then me?

And i’ve decided no, they are not.  Sure this guy may be a doctor, but has he ever thrown a 12 cup perfect game and won a beer pong tournament in the same summer?  i’m guessing no.  Does he know that Seth Rogen has a cameo in “Anchorman” when he is filming the cat fashion show for Veronica Corningstone? Probably not.  Is there anyway he could beat me in Rainbow Road in MarioKart for Nintendo 64, or does he know that Dante dies in the original ending for “Clerks”, or that the killer in Dexter season 5 was Sickboy from “Trainspotting”, or that Dark Tower IV “The Wizard and the Glass” by Stephen King is the greatest book of all time, or that Ben Linus was only written to be in a few episodes of “Lost” but Michael Emerson is so amazing he ended up being a full time character and one of the best in TV history?

i got a lot of knowledge kids, just not the kind that make you “successful” in life i guess.  But that’s a debatable word, because what is it that makes you sucessful? Money and fame?  i got zero of that and i don’t know if i’ll ever have any.  But i have an amazing family, some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and i guarantee i party harder in my daily life then almost all of those people at that party i was at.  Which i’m sure isn’t important to them but it is to me, because that’s the only chance i have at winning this game called life, by having as much f*cking fun as possible before i am OOT!  And when i woke up this morning, with the world spinning once again as i was crouched on all fours throwing up violently in the shower, with the tears and vomit dripping down my face all i could think about was how i’ve really made it.  i am truly a winner at life.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Why did the people who designed bathrooms decide to use tile?  They do realize that tile echoes everything don’t they?  Because that’s what i need, the sounds of people peeing and $hitting and vomiting and crying and God knows what else echoing loudly for people to hear.  The whole room should be made out of that soundproof glass they use in recording studios for bands, but instead the sounds of me unloading into my ceramic throne what sounds like a terrorist suicide bombing in the Middle East gets echoed for the entire room to hear.  i’m puking my guts out and leaving a Katrina style disaster in stall 3 and someone decided to use tile to amplify my pain and anguish.  Why not just put a microphone in the bowl while you’re at it so the people outside the building can enjoy? Way to go deeks.

-i can’t f’n STAND when people call me up on the phone and just go “Hey it’s me”, and expect me to know who it is.  Really? Is it really you? Because i was just thinking how much i f*cking HATE you.  Not that i know who you are, because if you noticed it is not the future and i can’t see you over the phone.  “You can if you use Facetalk on the Iphone!”  Stop ruining my jokes f*ckers!  But yeah just the fact that you are pretentious enough to think i’ll recognize the sign of your voice makes you a real ahole.  Do you know how many people call me at work?  About 2 million a day, so no, i do not know who you are stranger on the other line that i cannot see.  And yes, please tell mom i will be home for dinner on Sunday and that i love you both.

-Does anyone do “Power Hours” anymore?  If you don’t know what a Power Hour is, first of all you are a classless fool and we shouldn’t be friends.  But a Power Hour is when you take a shot of beer a minute, each minute for a full hour.  Trust me, it sounds easy because a shot of beer is obviously not that much.  But once you get to shot 40 or so those shots feel like you are funneling full beers.  My friend Rob and i came up with what we call a “Cabo Hour”, which is when at the beginning of the Power hour you take a shot of Cabo Wabo tequila, you break at the 1/2 hour point to do another shot and then do one final shot once the full hour is done.  Well Cabo Hour was our original name for it, now we call it the “Night Ender” because that is basically what it does.  We are thinking of adding bong rips along with the Cabo shots as well, but we are going to tape our wills to our chest and call that the “Life Ender.”  i am pretty sure we will only be able to do that once so i might hold off on that one for awhile…

The Money $hot-out of the Week -This week’s money shout out goes to the Home Run Derby.   “Wait, did you really watch that boring snooze-fest?”  Not really person who has interrupted me WAY too much in today’s blog, but i did hear that the final came down to Robinson Cano and Adrian Gonzalez.  “OMG it came down to the Yankees and the Red Sox?!?”  It did but that’s not the point, the point is the two people in the finals were a Mexican and a Dominican.  So yes i was torn between my Mexican half and my Dominican half.  But in the end, as expected Dominicans ruled supreme for the entire world to see.  For those of you that didn’t know that i am both Mexican and Dominican it is true, i am the perfect blend.  So this week’s shout out goes to the Home Run Derby for showcasing what is truly the most gifted athletes and races in sports today.  “Why didn’t they just put the home run derby on ESPN Deportes?”  That’s pretty racist Nicole 2.  And yes that was an honest and true statement, but that doesn’t make it any less racist.

Fast food tips-Did everyone know there are 4 new dipping sauces at McDonalds?  If you didn’t you are BLOWING it, because honestly what is better then ordering 20 nuggets and getting 20 different sauces for each one?  But yeah now they got Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Sweet Chilli, and a Spicy Buffalo sauce that is so good i almost sauced my pants.  Forget putting Big Mac sauce on everything, now i can get the $1 chicken sandwich and put spicy buffalo sauce on it for the money dollar meal.  It’s so good you won’t even mind it when it comes out the other end on your 5th trip to the bathroom that night.  And oh yeah it’s still 5 beans for 20 nuggets right now.  And oh yeah they also have a 2 sausage egg and cheese McGriddles for 3 beans deal going on right now as well.  Do these aholes sponsor me yet?  i’m def a better representative then that creepy clown or that big mound of purple $hit they used to show on TV all the time.  “And if you keep eating McDonalds soon you’ll be a big mound of brown $hit you fat f*ck!”  Ok, honestly? That one hurt…

“Facebook etiquette”- This is for the ladies:  Ladies, if you get an email from a guy you haven’t spoken to in a while, and the email starts with “Facebook said you were someone I was out of touch with, so I figured I’d email you”, chances are they want to sleep with you.  There are about 5 people in the row of “out of touch” people, and if you got that email, then you were hot enough to make the cut.   So take some pride in being hot… but don’t be fooled by the sentiment… unless it’s an email from me, because I mean that $hit

MAN was that a fantastic blog!  Easily an A- and possibly an A if i do say so myself.  i should probably save some of this terrific material but by using it all now it just makes me work that much harder to come up with funny stuff.  Or in other words, Friday’s blog is going to be awful…

Haha just kidding.  i already wrote Friday’s rant on break-ups so i know that one is going to be money.  And my Fast Food tip for Friday’s blog is insanely good as well.  Whoo hoo teasers!   Keep em wanting more, that’s what i always say.  Not that i am ever able to do that but i do keep saying it!  So i’ll see you kids Friday, try to stay alive until then please.

And oh yeah, make sure to check out this month’s series of  “Stepping Out” Magazine if you haven’t done so yet.  You know that bar the 9 Iron Grille in Paramus that i always hang out at and get wrecked in?  They are doing a girls from the 9 Iron photo shoot each week with a bunch of the girls who work there and they are SMOKING hot!  My friend Jim thinks i go there to hang out with his dumb ass but this magazine shows the real reason i keep going back so def check them out! – miguel jo$é

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3 Responses to “Just when I thought you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself! – Harry "Dumb and Dumber"”

  1. Anonymous July 12, 2011 at 6:16 pm #

    lol…the tiled bathroom as your first random nonsense..amazing! =)

    -Stef

    Like

  2. Anonymous July 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    this had me crackin up…”And when i woke up this morning, with the world spinning once again as i was crouched on all fours throwing up violently in the shower, with the tears and vomit dripping down my face all i could think about was how i've really made it. i am truly a winner at life.” – From Me

    Like

  3. shannon August 14, 2011 at 12:28 am #

    When you talk about power hours it totally brings me back to Ramapo. They are definitely harder than they appear.

    Like

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