Don’t get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch wearing glasses poppin’ bubbles out of the air like some sort of f*cked up Ray Charles – Kenny Powers

30 Jun

What is up kids?

So let me just say this off the bat… i am NOT white.  Yeah i know i don’t speak Spanish, and yeah i grew up in Dumont which is one of the whitest Jersey suburbs ever.  And yeah i like Pearl Jam, and watched LOST and think it’s the best show ever and yes i shower everyday.  So i realize i have some white “tendencies”.  And yes i hate myself for it.

But do you really want to know how i know i’m not white?  Besides the fact that i don’t really like white people?  It’s because i don’t like Vampires.  Apparently, ALL white people love vampires.  What the F is with that?  How many f’n Vampire shows do you need?  Vampire diaries, True Blood, Glee….

You want to know how much white people love vampires? Not only was there an awful movie called “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” there was also a spinoff tv show that lasted several seasons!  Of f’ing Buffy!  And people told me it was good!  White people of course.  But that’s not even the joke, there was a spinoff of Buffy called “Angel” which was also a long running tv show!  So there was a spinoff of a spinoff of Gddamn “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”  C’mon white people, you’re better then that.

But no, apparently you are not.  And since i’ve learned this fact about you i have come up with biggest idea for a movie… EVER.  Living amongst you all for so long i have learned 3 important facts about white people.  And with this knowledge i am writing a screenplay for what will end up being the highest grossing movie of all time.

What are the 3 things all white people love?  Well we established vampires already so that is number 1.  “But i don’t like vampires miguel!  i won’t go see a movie about them!”  Yeah i guess it’s true that not ALL white people love vampires, but that’s why this movie will also contain the other thing all white people love… PIRATES.  What is it with white people and pirates??  They are making Pirates of the Caribbean 35 this summer and once again you will all go to see it.  Some of my friends even have pirate parties, because when you’re white you have nothing better to do then to wear pirate hats and have fake swords and bury treasure.  MAN you white people are dorks….

But anyways i know you were all waiting so here it is, the name of the biggest selling movie of all time.  Are all of you ready for this??????    The name of the movie is… VAMPIRATE.  Whoops!  At least half of the white people reading this just creamed in their pants.  But that’s right kids, yours truly was smart enough to combine the two things white people love the most.  “But miguel you said there were 3 things!”  Will you f’n relax person who remembers things i say?  i’m getting to that in a second.  Because even with the perfect title and plot for the movie, who will star in this blockbuster film?  The only person who could star in this picture, and he is the third thing all white people love on this earth…. Will Smith.  “i just POPPED in my pants! i am literally covered in POP!”  i know you are my caucasian friends, and i don’t blame you.

Just picture the movie poster…  All black, nothing but Will Smith’s face, and he’s wearing an eye-patch and showing his fangs.  VAMPIRATE- 3D. OPENING JULY 4TH WEEKEND.   You don’t even need a plot!  The movie poster alone would guarantee that film made more then all 3 Lord of the Rings and all 6 Star Wars combined!   And yeah the sequel can be something like VAMPIRATE 2- THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, or whatever nerdy wizard angle they want to see.  i guess i will save that nerdy elves and wizard stuff for the sequel, because you can’t have a sequel without some Harry Potter type nonsense.  Most white people like that wizard stuff, don’t they? Do they Gandalf?

So to all you white people that always wondered what the greatest movie of all time would be… you’re welcome.  i am still down to give you this gift even though all of you smell like wet dogs when you come inside from outside when it’s raining.  Haha did you crackers know that about yourselves? Ask a minority, they will confirm this because we all know it.

Happy birthday America!


-Speaking of the fresh prince, if i end up looking through the movie channels again and get excited when i see “The Karate Kid,” and then i turn it on and it’s the f’n son of the guy from Wild Wild West and not Ralph Macchio i’m going to crane kick somebody right in the face.

-And speaking of movies, i am DONE going to any movie not rated R for the rest of the summer.  Gddamn f’n kids!  i can’t f’n stand them at the movies!  First of all they run like 20 deep, and none of them ever shut the f*ck up the entire movie.  They just laugh and talk the whole f’n thing, can someone kill them please?  And they are always trying to save like 11 seats for their friends who aren’t even there yet.  i went to see a movie this week and the only seats available were the front 3 rows which ain’t happening.  But the theater was just covered with these children that are all definitely loads that should have been swallowed.  Haha that’s an Andrew Dice Clay line i think but it is definitely apt.  If i had a machine gun and there were no rules against murder i would have unloaded clip after clip on these pre-pubescent f*ckers.  Actually i don’t care that it’s against the law i should have done it anyway.  But yeah none non R rated movies for me until September. 

-There is nothing worse then a shady Shoprite.  Don’t you hate that? Everyone has a Shoprite they like going to, and then there’s the one you go to because it’s close or you just have to get something quick and don’t have time to go to the good one.  All the aisles are poorly lit, none of the meat looks that good, all the people inside it look like Wall-Mart rejects… i mean for real i don’t need to get mugged just because i’m picking up bread and laundry detergent.  They should at least have the decency to call those stores “Shady Shop-rite” to at least give us the heads up. 

Fast food tips-It’s a holiday weekend and i’m in a giving mood so get ready for my best Fast Food Tip EVER.  i’m almost afraid to let you kids know this because it may ruin your life, but oh well who cares.  Do you want to know the secret behind McDonald’s fries?  The reason they are so f’n good and addicting?  It’s because they use only high quality potatoes and the freshest ingredients.  Hahaha just kidding. It’s because they sprinkle SUGAR on their fries.  That’s right, besides the heart attack inducing amount of salt they put on their fries, they also sprinkle sugary goodness as well which give it that insanely addicting taste.  Just try it the next time you get fries, any fries.  i tried this at a diner the other night because i had to be sure, but after pouring some salt on my fries i sprinkled some sugar on them as well and holy f’n $hitballs they tasted just like McDonalds fries!  Do it kids, you will hate me later because this is an awful habit to get into because greasy salty fries are already bad enough.  But my job is only to give you more knowledge, it is up to you to use it wisely.

“Facebook etiquette”- Hey depressing person on Facebook, enough already!  i cannot STAND the constant FB complainer.  Any one who uses FML more then once a month needs to f’n relax already.  Obviously you are well off enough that you can post status updates on the interwebs from your phone, some people are starving and are unemployed and have real problems!  You do not have the worst life ever because you have a test tonight, or because you have to work an extra half hour, or because you’re sick for the millionth time.  And who wants to hear all your negativity all the time anyway?  Not me, not anyone. So enough of the constant complaining already girl on facebook.  And yeah i’m saying girl cause it’s always the girls that do this.  So quit it already.

Hope you enjoyed my special Thursday edition of my blog!  i am leaving 2nite to go to Cape Cod with my family for the weekend and i am super excited.  Work is trying to bring me down but i am now officially checked out mentally and will not do another work related thing until Tuesday.  So i hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and i will see you when i get back!  And don’t try to steal my Vampirate idea, that patent is already pending…  -miguel jo$é

2 Responses to “Don’t get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch wearing glasses poppin’ bubbles out of the air like some sort of f*cked up Ray Charles – Kenny Powers”

  1. Anonymous June 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    Sounds like the best movie EVER! I would totally go see that and the sequel! #1 Nerd right here and I have no shame admitting that =)


  2. Anonymous June 30, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    ahahahah….your line about the load that should have been swallowed is utterly priceless! Have a good weekend! -Eden


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