The worst television is MTV. ‘Music Television’ — they call it that, they don’t even play music. How’s that legal? What if everybody did that? ‘Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.’ ‘Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.’ ‘Oh, we don’t sell pizza.’ ‘What?’ ‘No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you’re hungry.’ – Daniel Tosh

28 Jun

M to the iguel, J to the ose!  That’s right kids, let’s talk about hip hop for a hot second shall we?  Do you know and love A Tribe Called Quest?  If you do my guess is you are a decent human being.  If you don’t, and the reason is because you are a girl and you’re too young to remember Tribe, well that is hot.  Although if you’re a girl who is too young to have been around for Tribe, but for some reason still know about them and love them and have the knowledge that “Low End Theory” is one of the best rap albums of all-time… well that’s just the hottest thing ever.  Especially if you are 24 or younger…

I miss oldschool rap.  Not just because i’m 73 years old, but because it was the f’n money.  Wu-tang, Biggie, Tribe, Tupac, Dr Dre and Snoop Dog, Nas, De La Soul… c’mon man, what is around today that even comes close?  Yeah Jay-Z is money, none doubt.  And there’s a few others that are kinda money.  But $hit used to be ruthless back in the day, there is definitely no ODB out there right now.  Well i guess that’s a rough example, he’s one of the craziest mother f’ers of all time.  Only one who was close to him was Eazy E who was in the band N.W.A. which stands for “black people with attitudes”.  That last line is a Tosh joke, gotta give credit where credit is due.  And i also realized i stole a line from Chris Rock in my marriage blog last week with the “how can marriage be sacred with shows like “Who wants to marry a millionaire?” etc.” And i do i apologize for that, i almost always give credit to comics if i use their stuff but i didn’t even realize i did that last week till i read it again.  i mean i steal jokes ALL THE TIME from my friends, but i never steal from other comedians.  Not knowingly anyway.  i’m a dirty dirty (Mexican!) liar but one thing i will promise is that i do not steal comedy.  And also what i’m saying is yeah i get it, enough with the Tosh quotes too.  Get your own blog aholes!  But still read mine please…

Anyways, there’s probably some good rap music out there, but how can you find it?  The radio? Between the 45 minutes of commercials per hour and the same 4 songs playing over again in between that?  Or maybe MTV?  Haha just kidding.  Satellite radio?  i’m pretty sure i have a station on my radio that plays all the songs i want and i don’t even have to pay a bill each month.  It’s called IPOD and amazingly it has all the songs i like.  And i’m pretty sure i’ve used this bit before, but only one to two people will remember that.  Tops.

So if anyone has any good ideas on how to find some new good rap please let me know.  i’d say do it by leaving a comment below but apparently that is impossible except for the few of you who know how to navigate the interwebs better then most.  And for those of you that do leave comments, once again i can’t tell you how much i appreciate it!  My goal is to have 100 followers by 2012 and i think i can do it, if half of you lazy basterds that read this would just sign up for me haha.  “I became a follower, now what happens?”  Nothing Rach, it just shows how many people follow and support my blog. “That’s Stupid”. Thanks Rachael!  Oh my sister, i love her to death.  🙂 xoxoxo


-i love to pee outside.  i don’t mean kind of like it, i mean i feel as though one of life’s great pleasures is peeing outdoors.  i try to do it as much as possible, and if there’s a chance to do it i take it.  No, not at work. And not at like a wedding or church or anything.  i’m not a madman for crying out loud.  But if it’s night time and i’m in the back yard playing pong and i have a choice to go inside to the bathroom or unleash a stream on that bush in the back?  The forecast calls for golden showers!  In fact, i always thought if i was rich and obnoxious enough to be on “Cribs” i would have some sort of outdoor urinal set against a beautiful backdrop of mountains and flowers or something.  And maybe deer and rabbits running in the wild, who knows.  But i’d just be standing there, releasing my warm urine feeling the cold breeze against my balleens as i look at the moon pondering what is this life all about?  And what the f am i even talking about??  Oh yeah, Cribs is another show on MTV that had nothing to do with music.

-Do any of you remember that song “Stacy’s mom?”  You know, “Stacy’s mom has got it going on…” am i the only one who wonders the entire song how hot that Stacy is? Good luck going after her mother you fools, she had a few kids so you know she’s like the Grand Canyon at this point.  i’ll be hitting on Stacy who i hear is as tight as a snare drum.

– i hate strip clubs.  No, not because i’m gay you hate mongers.  i just think they are mad shady and gross and none of the girls are ever that hot anyway.  And don’t i waste enough money on girls that i think i have a chance to bang? Why am i throwing money at girls i am def not going to bang?  Yeah it’s fun to see boobies don’t get me wrong.  But in a dark club with creepy dudes all around me and the girls covered in nasty ass perfume and glitter and bothering me NON-F’N STOP for lap dances and paying way too much for beer… man strip clubs are just horrific.  i mean i definitely support the cause and all, and if you are a stripper you get none judgements from me.  i’d just like to throw it out there that strip clubs are not my cup of tea.  Haha who uses that phrase anymore? Bordeline gay aholes who don’t like seeing naked girls apparently…

“Facebook etiquette”- i think i’ve had enough of the Facebook “Acheiver”.  You know this fool, they are the one who has to post something NONSTOP about something amazing they’ve done.  “Just finished a marathon!”  “i’ve been dieting for 32 months straight!”  “Just aced my final!”  “Just got back from church!”  “Just saved children from a burning buidling!” For real, how do you have the time do all that when you are on the computer posting about it every second? And stop making me feel $hitty about my own life.  i drank 10 beers and ate the hottest wings from Cluck-U without throwing up all over myself but you don’t see me posting on Facebook about it.  Instead i write about it in my blog…

The Money $hout-out of the Week- Congrats to Kelly Kelly for winning the WWE Women’s championship!  She deserves it because she has paid her dues and has really come a long way in wrestling.  And oh yeah she is CRAZY HOT!  Do yourself a favor kids, google her immediately.  Both the guys and gals, you’ll both appreciate her, she is a work of art.

Haha sometimes i say happy birthday or congrats to certain people so i figured i should just make a bit each blog where i give a shout out, or at least when i feel like doing so.  You would think i would thank my family or close friends, or even the people who helped me start this blog for my first shout out.  But no, i’m giving it to Kelly Kelly.  A. Because she’s hot, and B. Because holy f’n $hitballs is she f’n hot!!!  And have some respect, she’s the new woman’s champ!

Anyways just a heads up i’m going away this weekend.  i will be in Cape Cod with the fam and i couldn’t be more fired up for my vacation!  But i’m telling you this now because my next blog will be this THURSDAY, JUNE 30TH instead of Friday.  So Stefanie,  please don’t yell at me when you don’t see my blog on Friday, i’m doing it Thursday instead!  Although i love how you read my blog at lunch, you are straight money 🙂  i probably should have given you the first shout out ever, oh well…

And oh yeah another heads up, this Thursday i am going to give away my million, no, BILLION dollar idea for the biggest movie EVER.  It’ll make Titanic and Avatar look like Waterworld.  “Dry land is not a myth, i’ve seen it!  i don’t know what all the fuss is about, i’ve seen that movie 6 times it ruled!”  – Jim Carey in Cable Guy when he used to be funny…
C you kids Thursday!  -miguel jo$é


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