I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender…. all you do is say what the $hit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps $hit fresh. Well, that’s a fresher….I’m going on break.- Mitch Hedberg

24 Jun

What is up kids…

Off the bat i will tell you my heart isn’t in this today.  Yeah yeah i’m hungover, but that’s not even it.  My job is literally crushing my soul, it is just so f’n awful sometimes.  And it’s not even so much the awfulness, because if it was just awful i would be able to take it.  It’s the fact that it is CONSTANTLY getting worse, like the people in charge are going out of their way to make my life more miserable.

But i don’t think they are truly doing that, not on purpose anyway. i just think idiots who think they know anything about what we do when they clearly don’t come up with decisions in their meetings w/ other high up aholes.  And they are all just like “that sounds like a good idea Bill!” and then they put it into action, never realizing the actual consequences of what will happen.  So again, it’s not that my job is so awful because eventually i would get used to that.  But they keep finding new ways to make it more awful, and i just can’t deal anymore.  They keep giving me more work while at the same time adding procedures that slow everything down, which makes sense if you are a big corporate douchebag.  It’s crazy that most of the people in charge really know nothing about everything, it has to be the reason all these companies are going bankrupt and out of business.  “It’s the government that is ruining all these businesses!”  Oh yeah?  Well who do you think is running the government?  The same type of dumb aholes that’s who.  And no i don’t think this problem will ever get fixed, because it’s not like there are smart people waiting to take their place, it’s just more of the same. 

Haha sometimes i like venting over these things but even writing this blog today is heating me up more.  Oh well.  i hate to leave you off like this on a Friday so i guess before i do go i’d like to help you out with your next hangover with a few rules.  #1. Try to throw up before you go to sleep. You may have to throw up in the morning again as well but it can only help you to try and get it out before you sleep.  Also, #2.  Find a good spot to throw up outside instead of the bathroom!  i have a nice spot in the back of my garage that i do the old heave ho, but really anywhere you can throw up outside will be better then your bathroom.  Reason being is it’s hard to tell how much you are going to throw up, and if it’s a rough one eventually you’re going to have to clean the inside and outside of the bowl, the floor and  bathroom mats will also have to be cleaned, and don’t forget the splashback on the shower curtain which is certain to happen.  Yeah it’s gross to think about but most people don’t consider these things they just throw up all willy nilly and then find out this stuff later.  If you throw up outside there is zero cleanup especially if it is raining.  That’s win/win kids.

And try to drink some water and take two advil before you go to sleep.  i think people say it’s not good to take advil while drinking but whatever if you’re hungover that much you probably don’t have a long life expectancy anyways.  Oh and if you’re gonna drink gatorade do NOT drink the red one, it only makes things worse.  i’m not sure why that’s true but it is, if you don’t believe me try for yourself and suffer the consequences later.  And never forget that when you are in your darkest hour, ginger ale and a bacon egg and cheese are your best friends. 

Stupid rushed blogs… drives me nuts.  i had a fantastic one written for today but i didn’t have enough time to proofread it and i really want to make that one good so you will get it on Tuesday.  So enjoy some random nonsense and we will get back to our regular scheduled programming next week..

RANDOM NONSENSE

– i almost wish they would let these dirtbag smokers smoke in the office.  Yeah it was smell to high heaven but at least they wouldn’t get 2 hours more worth of breaks then i get.  EVERY GDDAMN SECOND these fools are walking outside for the 15-45 min smoke break, coming back in smelling like they just buried their faces in a cigarettes pu$$y.  If i can’t take a break to go have a beer and/or smoke a bowl then you guys shoudn’t be able to take cigarette breaks every hour.  i’m glad cigarettes are $10 bucks a pack and they won’t let you smoke anywhere, i hope it goes up to $50.  Nice addiction aholes, enjoy that slow painful death you are giving yourself.

-How can Republicans be so against abortion yet also be against free healthcare for people?  Is life sacred or not?  You can’t only care about a person’s life when they are in the womb and then stop caring as soon as they are born.  And how can they also be so against gay marriage?  How can you say marriage is sacred in a country where over 50% of them end up in divorce, plus you have shows like “The Bachelerotte” and “Who wants to Marry a Millionaire?”  i’ll tell you why, because they only care about their agenda and they don’t really care about people’s lives.  If you did care about people you would want them to have free healthcare and you would support people who loved each other getting married.  And don’t get me wrong, i think Democrats are big pu$$y douchebags too.  But at least they fought for healthcare and fight for gays to have the right the marry.  Everyone else needs to get out of other peoples business and grow up.

Fast food tips –When ordering burgers from White Castle, a class move is to buy a 5 pack of chicken rings as well.  This way you can put a chicken ring inside and give that mushy burger a little texture, a little crunch.  Not that castles aren’t delicious without them but it’s good to change it up sometimes.  Also, the chicken breast with cheese sandwich and the mozzarella sticks are two items you probably do not buy when you go there but trust me you should def DO IT.  In fact, stop reading this and go get them right now…

-One of my good friends told me they hate the “Simpsons”, and i honestly look at them differently now.  Really?  Is it the obnoxous humor you hate?  Or is it more the incredible character development and the best comedy writing ever? i’m guessing they just never gave the show the chance, and since everyone likes them they are trying to be “edgy” and different by saying they hate it.  Usually i’m a fan of being a hater for no reason but in this case i cannot support this horrific reasoning.  Same for people who never have watched “LOST” and say they hate it.  Oh yeah? You hate the greatest show of all time?  And how is that working out for you?  Basing your life on making god awful decisions i mean.  Let me guess, you’ve never tried Ecstasy either?  Nice life deek, maybe in a few years you will actually try and have one.

“Facebook etiquette”- Wow, did someone really just answer a question about me? It says so on my wall… Holy cow i can’t wait to click on the website and find out what they said!!!  Oh wait, i just remember i don’t give a $hit.  So thanks for the heads up site i will never go to, please stop posting these “alerts” on my wall before i come kill all of you. 

Man was that a cranky blog.  Sorry so down kids, even as i was trying to finish this i was getting annoying phone call after annoying phone call.  Why do clients always call up on Friday afternoons about the most annoying pointless $hit ever?  Oh that’s right, because they are awful miserable people who are trying to make me the same way.  Well touche a$$holes, you won this round.  But i’m leaving at 4 and will forget all about you soon while you will remain miserable all weekend and probably the rest of your lives. Although i’m sure your dumb a$$ will end up managing some company i work at someday…

Cya Tuesday! -miguel jo$é xoxoxooxox

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