It’s not a stereotype if it’s ALWAYS true – Daniel Tosh

What is up kids?

So i guess i admit a decent amount to you cats, probably because it’s easier to just tell awful truths about myself then it is to come up with funny jokes.  So i have no problem telling you that i have 100% swore off Italian girls forever.  Not as friends, because they do make fantastic friends i will give them that.  But i will never, EVER, fall for an Italian girl again.

But i guess i should also admit that i think Italian girls are the most gorgeous women on Earth.  Holy f’n $HITBALLS they are so super hot!  And for awhile there they were my biggest downfall because i could just not stop falling in love with them.  i would fall for one after another, but i just was never able to get with any of them.

And why not??  i am def above average looking.  i’m pretty fantastic in bed; i mean i may not hit a home run every at bat but i’ll probably go 3-5 with a sac fly most weekends. Plus i think i’m pretty funny and when i get drunk i can get really mean sometimes.  Alright fine that last part isnt’ a good trait but all the other stuff is true.  So what the f is the deal Italian girls?  Why have you eluded me my entire life?

These were the kids of questions i used to ask.  You know, before i had all this wealth of knowledge that comes with age.  Starting in high school i would fall for Italian girl after Italian girl.  And because my mother taught me to treat women right i always figured if i just treated these girls better then they had ever been treated before they would have to fall for me, right???   Wrong a$$hole, and honestly i couldn’t have been more wrong.

Italian girls almost always go for someone like their father, and Italian fathers are very oldschool.  And by oldschool i mean extremely chauvinistic.  The man is the one who works and provides for the family, and the woman is the one who cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids and is basically subservient to the husband.  “Oh hell no you didn’t, that is not how i live my life you filthy Mexican! No one tells me what to do!!!”  Relax angry racist Italian girl reading this, if you don’t feel this way then this blog clearly isn’t about you. 

You know i am speaking to directly?  Vinnies’ mom from Jersey Shore.  If you haven’t seen the show, this woman it is literally INSANE with how she treats her family.  While the entire family (the men) are relaxing and boozing and doing nothing, this woman spends every second cleaning every inch of the house while doing laundry and spending all day cooking fantastic Italian meals.  Not only that, when she is finally finished cooking a HUGE meal, she serves the family first and will not even eat with them because she has to make sure everyone else is satisfied first.  It is only after everyone has eaten that she then cleans and washes the dishes before maybe eating some of the leftovers. 

There are a lot of Italian girls see this and go “i love Vinnie’s Mom!”  But EVERY single Italian guy who sees this is like “THAT is a real woman!”  And since they grew up that way i can’t blame them.  It sounds like a sweet deal, and most Italian guys find Italian girls who are down to live like this.  Not 100% crazy like Vinnie’s mom, but for real a lot of these Italian girls are not far off.  And there is my downfall, because that is not what i’m looking for in a girlfriend.  i want a partner in crime, a best friend who i see as my equal.  i want someone i can walk this Earth with side by side, not somebody who will walk behind me cleaning up all my $hit.  And i’ve learned that i just do not know how to treat women this way.  i will help out with the dishes, i do my own laundry, and i will help clean up and/or just clean up my own $hit.  So i spent all of these years trying to treat Italian girls the only way i know how, and it has gotten nowhere because that is not what they want.  All Italian girls want is someone just like their dad, and their dads do not treat their moms this way.  So i am destined never to be with one i guess, unless i learn to start treating girls in this fashion which i know i just can’t do.  Oh well, you Italian broads will never know what your missing, and i am now totally fine with that!!  If only you weren’t so GDDMAN f’n hot…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-There is NOTHING better then watching a kid holding a balloon when it pops in the kids face.  First the loud POP scares the $hit out of them, and then the realization that their balloon is gone makes them cry so hard.  i was at the mall the other day watching some kid holding balloons and i literally was trying to will the balloon to pop,  but no such luck.  Oh well, next time….

-i love how EVERYONE fills out the card and writes the check for a wedding when they actually get there.  It’s like you know months in advance when it is, you plan to take off from work and get a baby sitter and figure out how you’re gonna get your drunk ass to and from this wedding.  But everyone waits until the last minute to fill out the card and write the check.  Everyone pretends that they just “forgot,” but the real reason is because they want to see how nice the wedding is before they write out the check.  “Live band and lobster at the cocktail hour?  Better make it $150!”  “Open bar is only beer and wine??!?  Enjoy your $75 dicks!”

-i think it’s nice to be invited to things, even if i do not plan on going.  Actually, ESPECIALLY if i do not plan on going.  It’s just nice to know that i’m being thought of, and that there are people that would actually want me to come to something.  So please keep inviting me to everything everybody, i doubt i will show up to any of the stuff you want me to come to but i appreciate the offer!

Fast food tips – If you have a chance to add cheese and bacon or any type of goodness to french fries just DO IT.  Disco fries, Philly cheesesteak fries… any french fries you have to eat with a fork are straight up MONEY.  In fact, if you order fries and don’t have to eat them with a fork you are blowing it.

“Facebook etiquette”-  Hey person who took all those pics at the party or event we were at, f’n post those $hits already!  It’s bad enough you wasted the entire night looking through a photo lens and making me pose for a gddamn picture every 3 seconds, now i gotta wait 4 months to see what all that nonsense was about?  You are obviously a big enough loser to take all those pictures, you can also be a big enough loser to post them as soon as you get home.  So do it already.

21 followers!! They are coming fast and furious now, just call me Migs Diesel!  And congrats to myself for just writing the worst joke i have ever put down on my blog.  “You’re going easy on yourself, there have been much worse jokes!” Whoever said that better be one of my 21 followers or i will kill you…  But yeah i will see you guys again on Friday, but before i go i do need to make one correction from my last blog that was brought to my attention.  Apparently my friend Stephanie was NOT happy that i wrote she was a dirty dirty racist who hates Mexicans, so i truly apologize to her.  In fact she’s a racist who hates dirty dirty Mexicans so i just want to make that clear. 

See you kids on Rebecca Black day! – miguel jo$é