I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I know he doesn’t care what humans do. -Tracey Jordan

10 Jun

What is up kids?

i have off work today, which means what exactly?  Correct, last night was a long night of beer pong and boozing and watching Lebron James lose another NBA finals game.  Do you think Lebron will hold another “decision” press conference?  Maybe at this one he will talk about whether he will “decide” to show up in these finals at all haha.  Keep proving you are not like Michael Jordan buddy! Although some people get mad when you say that.  “He’s still young!  Lebrons’ talent and skills are actually better!”  Really?  Because none of that, even the 6 rings isn’t what makes Jordan better then “king” James.  Jordan was the best because he was the ultimate competitor, there was nothing he wanted more in life then to win.  Not for endorsements, not to make more money although of course he wanted that as well.  Jordan would rather die then leave the court a loser, and that combined with his talent makes him the best ever.  Lebron’s too busy whining and flailing EVERY time he takes a shot and doesn’t get a foul call to be the ultimate competitor, he only cares about how good he looks on the court.  And he apparently doesn’t care about scoring points in the 4th quarter…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, wake up already girls who hate sports!  Jeez, it was one paragraph, just because you are hot doesn’t mean i will cater to your every whim!  Although now i’m gonna talk about weddings for a hot second because i do have a friends wedding this Sunday when my girl Jasmina and her super awesome guy Gary finally tie that knot.  You can tell Gary is awesome because Jazz is straight up gorgeous and we all wanted to hate Gary for stealing her away from us (like any of us had a chance).  But even with the grand larceny he pulled off we all still think he’s the nicest guy ever and we couldn’t be happier for both of them.  So congrats to Jasmina and also Gary!  That f’n lucky son of a bitch…

i kinda feel bad for most girls though.  i feel like they all have this huge pressure on them their entire life to have this incredible wedding, and the stress i see most of them go through trying to plan it is f’n nuts.  Being a dude i definitely do not get it at all, but i can’t help but feel bad that so many girls put so much time and effort into this when in reality it is only one day of your life.  And the crazy thing is i feel like the majority of the weddings i go to are basically the same thing, so why all the headaches ladies?

i couldn’t imagine putting that much pressure into one day of my life.  i mean i go camping every year with my buddies, and we start planning the trip 6 months in advance.  Then camping comes and sometimes we did great and its the best thing ever, sometimes we blow it and we learn from our mistakes and try harder the next year.  By the way, anyone who rafts at Camp Kittatinny in Port Jervis, NY my advice to you if you do the raft trip is to always bring at least 12 beers per person on the raft.  Nothing in life is worse then rafting without beers, and once you are on the water those beers go down like… well water i guess.  Man am i a $hitty writer…

But back to weddings, i’ve decided that when i do get married all i care about is having the biggest party ever.  And yeah i guess i care about being in true love with some broad too but whatever with that, i want a straight up BASH for my wedding.  And none stupid dinner!  Why everyone stops to have dinner at a wedding is beyond me.  i say just have a nonstop cocktail hour instead, and just have a rotating buffet of cocktail hour food the entire wedding so people can just go get food when they want it.  Everyone knows cocktail hour food is the best food anyway.

Haha i guess when i started this rant i should have realized my only points about weddings were to skip dinner and have cocktail hour the whole time and bring a ton of beers on the raft, but whatever i haven’t been planning my wedding since i was a little girl so i don’t have that much material on it.  But good luck to all you girls that spend your whole life planning this nonsense, i’d like to tell you to relax and that you should really just be focused on the person you are with and how in love with them you are and how happy you will be to spend the rest of your life with them.  But i guess what f’n flowers are on the table and the seating arrangements of aholes you wish you didn’t even invite to your wedding seems more important than that.  So as always, once again i’m the ahole!

And for the record, the best wedding i’ve ever been to was my friend’s Ray and Amy’s wedding a few years ago.  Open bar including shots? And the best cocktail hour and wedding soundtrack i’ve ever heard?  i remember the first 2 hours doing nothing but nonstop shots at the bar with like 50 friends, and then the next 2.5 hours of NONSTOP dancing to all sorts of money rap music.  Couldn’t end this blog without giving a shout out to them, Ray and Amy you did it right!


-This ones for the waiters again, but don’t you just love these people at restaurants that have to calculate the tip they give you EXACTLY?  Like when the bill is $11.39 and these cheap aholes only want to tip 10%, they will literally calculate it out and give you $1.14.  Really?  Thanks a$$face, definitely don’t round it up or anything.  Obviously it would KILL you to just give me 2 beans.  Don’t you realize how insulting 14 cents is??  Of course you don’t, cause you are a cheap ahole.  Next time i’m a waiter and someone tries to pull this $hit off i’m not even going to accept the tip anymore, i will bring them back the $1.14 and just go “i’m sorry but your tip has been declined.”  The ahole customer won’t get it but it sure as hell will make me laugh.

-This may come off as racist, but Taco Bell has to stop putting hot white girls as Taco Bell workers in their commercials.  Jeebus Christmas every commercial has some SMOKING hot white girl behind the counter, have you been in a Taco Bell lately?  The girls that work there look like me but they are a little heavier, have a tad more facial hair and their boobs are not as big as mine.  i can handle you using the term seasoned “beef” when it is 80% dumpster cat and rat feces.  i have zero problem with that cause hey, for 80 cents i can eat like a king.  But the hot white girls working behind the counter?  i’m not buying it T bell!

-Speaking of hot girls, i have to say Happy birthday to the girl that might possibly be my new number 1, Kate Upton.  If you don’t know her she was the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue Rookie of the year, which i don’t even think is a real thing they just made it up to give this girl an award for being the hottest ever.  She’s also the GUESS girl for 2011-12, and she was on Tosh.O this week which means she also has a sense of humor which means i possibly have a chance. But happy birthday angel who walks among us, it’s your last year in your teens and i hope you enjoy it!  Preferably at the side of an older hispanic guy who will always make you laugh and keep you grounded.  But for real just give me a chance….
i love you.

“Facebook etiquette”- Regarding your birthday on Facebook, there are a few acceptable ways to tell everyone thank you for posting happy birthday on your wall.  The most common way these days is to just make a general status update to everyone.  “Thank you so much for the birthday wishes everyone, it means so much! i have the best friends in the world!”  This is very generic but completely acceptable.  There is also the person who will take the time to actually respond to EVERY single person that posts happy birthday to you. This is a bit excessive, and once you start doing it you will regret it immediately trust me.  But again this is also acceptable.  Personally, i find the best combo of the two is to do the general “Thanks so much guys!” as  your status update but then to also “like” every wall post that says happy birthday to you.  This is much less time consuming then actually responding to each post, but it gives that personal touch letting you know that the person who’s birthday it is actually read what you wrote.  i think this is the classiest way to handle birthdays but if anyone else has any ideas i’d love to hear them.  Oh wait, no i wouldn’t…

“Hey miguel, how come so little Random Nonsense on this blog?”  Well i told you fools i wanted at least 20 followers by now and i’m still only at 18, so this is how i will punish you!  Alright fine i am f’n HUNGOVER as f*ck kids,  and so far in the race between puking and deucing myself to no end we are at a 7-7 tie.  Although that extra Dominos slice at 2 am may put deucing in the lead shortly, i’m not sure yet.  But enjoy your weekend kids, i have off today and Monday so my 4 day weekend is already in full force.  So God willing by Tuesday i will have a whole new slew of jokes for ya, and hopefully by then King James will be out of these f’n playoffs!  – miguel jo$e


One Response to “I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I know he doesn’t care what humans do. -Tracey Jordan”

  1. Anonymous June 13, 2011 at 8:01 am #

    My friend had her wedding at this awesome bar in NYC- she paid for them to shut down the main floor of the bar (which was less expensive than a reception hall) and she had cocktail hour of bar food and a few extra “nicer” foods the whole night long. It was the best wedding I have ever been too. No assigned tables, no stopping for a meal, lounge area and pub-type area, beers and alcohol that flowed like water, all night shrimp cocktail table, nonstop appetizers all night, one of those photo booths they have in malls that u take wacky pics in w your friends, disposable cameras everywhere instead of a photographer (which can be dangerous but fun) and dancing all night!! Xoxo -sari


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