"It seems to me that my mother is the most splendid person I have ever known. I have met a lot of people in this world but I have never met a more thoroughly refined woman then my mother. If I have amounted to anything, it will be due to her." -Charlie Chaplin

6 May

What is up kids?

Should i start today’s blog off by talking about how i’m once again super hungover after a crazy Cinco de Miguel celebration last night?  Or that i started off my day by throwing up first in the bathroom and then in my back yard as i realized yup, this is happening again.    My apologies to the people fixing their deck in the back yard next to me at 8 am this morning, i can’t imagine what they thought was happening when they heard my horrifically loud violent screaming as the painful explosion escaped from my stomach to the grass.  Wow it’s kinda poetic when i put it that way, i’m like a regular Maya Angelou.

Once again i have to blame the good folks at the 9 Iron Grille in Paramus for getting me absolutely bombed last night.  Oh wait i’m sorry, thanks to Jim, Lucy, Bianca, and of course a super special thanks to Alexandra Marie who is easily my biggest fan!  i keep trying to tell that young 20 year old blonde waitress that i’m just not into her but she keeps trying for me God bless her soul.  i don’t blame her though, i am straight up money.  Even though i am definitely not feeling it at the moment considering how hung over i am…

Alright, i gotta admit these hangover stories are boring the S out of me.  It’s getting boring to write down every single time that i’m hungover while writing this, so i can only assume how boring it is for you the reader.  i’ll try to limit this topic from now on but give me a break it was a holiday last night and i write this blog for free so lay off of me i’m starving!  That’s for you tommy boy.

Speaking of my friend tommy, i’ve come to the realization that almost all of my best friends are straight up meatheads.  They are all bullies, they are all into sports and peer pressure.  i swear, all you need to do is try to hang out with my friends one night and just go “ya know i think i’m just gonna take it easy with drinking tonight”.  My friends will definitely be like “hey no problem buddy, i hope everything’s okay.  And taking a break from drinking is a good thing!”

Oh wait i’m sorry, it’s actually more like “ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME PU$$Y?  Oh man you should at least grab a smirnoff ice to pour on your vagina because she sounds pretty sore.  And i don’t blame you, most girls hate to drink on their period, you should take a mydol and go home and watch the View and relax.  And oh yeah you left your training bra at my house next to your ballerina outfit!”

That is LITERALLY the conversation i had the last time i tried to not drink on a night out.  Thanks guys, i get blackout drunk literally every other night we go out and the one time i’m not feeling it i definitely deserve to get mocked horrifically for hours on end.  Because it’s not like you just get insulted and its over, it’s an all night barage of insults and name calling that doesn’t end… EVER.  It could be a month later and it’s still like “Oh man miguel are you gonna drink 2nite? because i remember last time you said something about how that now that you’re a woman you don’t think it’s right to drink so much because you’re scared of getting taken advantage by the boy you like”.  And all these comments are from my best friends on earth.  Man you gotta love meatheads.

Although maybe it’s just guys in general, i guess it doesn’t have to be just meatheads.  Maybe math nerds do the same thing.  “Wow Kyle, you’ve only solved 8 of the first 25 problems of the pythagorean therem?  Next thing you’ll tell me is an isosceles triangle doesn’t have to have at least two equal sides!”   Did any of that make sense?  Those are literally the only math terms i kinda know.

Anyways as per usual to my blogs there was no point to this, i just find it funny that even though i am an “adult” now not only do i still deal with peer pressure from my closest friends but i also always fall for it.  Because who wants to be different from their friends?  Actually, now that i think about it there is a point to this rant.  Always buckle when your friends put pressure on you, and never ever be different because then you’ll get made fun of and deserve it.  Man i love my informative blogs, i feel like i’m doing a real service for society.  i am a true American, and a true patriot.  God bless the US and A!


-How come when someone gives a speech or presentation, there is ALWAYS the person who has to ask questions once it is over?  “Okay that was the presentation, any questions?”  “YES i have questions!!!!   How come this!?!? And how come that?? And why why why why WHY?????”   Thanks ahole, the dumb ass training is over and we’d all be able to leave if you’d just SHUT THE F UP.  You’re the worst, and everyone in the room hates you.  Maybe the question you should be asking is “Why am i such an annoying human being?”

-Anyone watch the movie Lord of the Rings? i’m sure most of you have seen it except the hot girls who read this, all 2 of you have better things to do then watch hobbits and elves.  Anyways for the rest of you nerds, do any of you remember the name of the inn the hobbits were going to meet Gandalf at after they escaped the Shire?  That’s right, it was called the “Prancing Pony”.  Anyways, the point of all this is i finally realized the name of that inn is quite possibly the gayest name of any place ever.  If i had a choice of going to “Feathers” in Hackensack which is totally a gay bar, or some bar i’ve never heard of called the “Prancing Pony”, i’d go to the Feathers.   It’s a less gayer name and at least they have $1 drink night at Feathers on Wednesday nights. And oh yeah anyone who knows that what i just said is actually true is a homo!!

-Do you ladies want to know why us men change the channels so quickly when we have the remote control?  It’s because we know INSTANTLY if we want to watch something or not.  Women can never make any decisions, even ones as simple as what to watch on TV.  Most women can’t even decide what they want to eat at restaurants, which makes sense because you’ve only eaten food every single day of your life, why could you possibly know what you want to get to eat? Especially at that same restaurant we go to EVERY GDAMN WEEKEND that has the SAME GDAMN FOOD ON THE MENU IT ALWAYS DOES.  No please, don’t order now while the waiter is here.   Say you need a few more minutes so that we don’t see the waiter for another 4 hours just so you can order the same stupid chicken fingers you always order. 
“Facebook etiquette”- Listen parents who have their children as their profile pic… enough already.  Everytime i log on and see “11 people have updated their profile pic” it looks like a gddamn police lineup at a kindergarden class.  Honestly, either i’m close enough as your friend that i’ve already seen these pics of your children, or we’re not close enough as friends for me to care that you have kids.  “OMG my kids are so adorable!” Only 25% of you parents that think that are correct, and actually that is being generous.  We get it, you’re a parent.  It’s not a special thing, it can’t be special if everyone does it.  And neither are your kids.

Speaking of parents not being special, i want to wish a very happy mothers day to my wondeful mommy who apparently prays for me daily.  Which is a good thing because man i need all the help I can get.  And Happy Mothers day as well to all the other moms out there who aren’t as fantastic as my mom but i’m sure are still really great too 🙂

Have a great weekend everyone! –  miguel jo$é


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