"If Jesus comes back as a Mexican, I’m changing faith…" – Tom Duffy

4 May

What is up amigos?

Haha i was trying to find the right quote to use for the blog today considering my holiday “Cinco De Miguel” is tomorrow, but what could be better then a racist statement from my Irish best friend?  Although when you think about it, of course Jesus is Mexican.  He had brown skin, he did manual labor and his name is Jesus for crying out loud.  And we all know he couldn’t be Irish because instead of bread and wine it would have been potatoes and Guinness.  Also if he was Irish he would have had a small penis which we all know isn’t true because it’s well known fact that Jesus was packing…

Wow, i don’t even know what i’m talking about, i gotta stop writing these things when i’m hungover.  But back to my point, tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo or May 5th to you caucasions.  And i figured today’s blog would be a good day to tell my favorite Cinco De Mayo story ever.  i dont’ know if it will come across as well in writing as it does in person but oh well i got zero other ideas for today anyway.

I guess it was 4 or 5 years ago?  Damn my memory is horrific… but anyways it started off at a happy hour at Fiesta Cancun after work.  A bunch of us were there boozing heavily, Cuervo was involved of course and margaritas were had by all.  Basically its like every holiday that i spend with my family.  So after getting a nice buzz on, and by buzz i mean i was pretty f’n bombed, we decide to go to the most Mexican place on Earth… Chilli’s on 59!

There are many reasons this was a bad decision, I’d say number one is the fact that it is a family restaurant and i was super bombed and in rare form even for me.   So we’re at a table, i’m being loud and obnoxious even moreso then usual but then i start cursing my FACE off.  F this, F, that, this f’n $hit motherf’ing Fbag… you name it.  The restaurant didn’t say anything to me even though i have no idea why they didn’t kick me out, but the nice family next to me consisting of a sweet old man and woman and their granddaughter did not seem to appreciate my awful behavior.  So the old man goes to me, “would you mind watching your language please?” To which i reply, “My apologies good sir, i did not realize i was so loud and being offensive in front of your family, i will stop cursing immediatley.”

Oh wait, that’s not what i said, i said or rather yelled ” I DON’T HAVE TO BE QUIET IF I DON’T WANT TO, THIS IS MY GDDAMN HOLIDAY I’M MEXICAN AND I’M CELEBRATING!”

Wow, what a classy ahole i am.  So anyways without missing a beat the man goes, “Do you even know what this holiday is celebrating today?”  And i’m sure most of you white people are going “It’s Mexican independence day!”  But you’d be wrong!  And I told the man that, i said “Well most people think it’s for Mexican Indepence day which is false because that is actually September 16th.  What this holiday really celebrates is a Mexican victory against the French in the Battle of Puebla!”  And the old man looks at me, amazed that i knew this and just goes, “You’re correct”, and went back to his dinner.

Big victory for me right?  Great thing i know so much about my heritage!  Although one final note to that story, up until the morning of that same day I actually did think it was for Mexican Indepence day.  Lucky for me I had some stupid “Fact a day” calendar at my desk which just so happened to say “Most people think that Cinco De Mayo is for Mexican Independence day when in fact it celebrates the victory…”  So yeah my drunken awful self came off as a cursing ahole but at least one who knew about his heritage, but the joke is on that guy because in reality i know nothing about my heritage and i don’t even speak Spanish!  So the jokes on him!  Oh wait, i’m the guy who’s a disgrace to his own people, maybe the jokes not him.  Damn this story doesn’t have a happy ending after all…

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone!


-“For English, press 1”.  Are you one of those people who absolutely HATE this??  “This is America, speak English!”  “Why should i have to press 1 in my own country, this is bull$hit!!!!!”  Calm down white person who can’t handle helping others, have you stopped to realize what you are getting so worked up about?  It’s pressing a button, that’s it.  That’s all you have to do to help out millions of Americans who have trouble with the language.  Plenty of people had to do whatever they could to get to this country in order to give themselves and their families a better life, including your own ancestors who unless you are an American Indian are not originally from here either.  So with all the hardships these people have to face, through all the predjudice and trying to learn a new language and adapt to a new culture you’re going to be absolutely INFURIATED because you have to press one stupid button?  Simmer down folks, if pressing a button is the hardest thing you have to do all day consider yourself lucky.  But people never think about helping others, they only think about their own inconvienence which in this case is the extra step of PRESSING ONE BUTTON ON A PHONE.  And also, it’s the number 1!  It’s not like they are saying for English press “8”, you are still number 1 even with these choices!!  White people’s problems are so boring….

-Why is it so hard to get rid of clothes?  i’m talking about clothing you KNOW you will never wear in a million gddamn years.  i mean yeah sometimes you’ll give some away for charity or just lose stuff, but you definitely have in your possession right now clothes you have not worn since high school.  I guess I better hold onto those size 32 jeans just in case i drop 80 pounds this summer.  And i’m sure the 90’s will be back in style again so all that flannel and B.U.M equipment will come in handy real soon.  For real clean out your closet and get rid of that stuff already!

-I’m not saying Pinnacle flavored vodka is for gay people, but the flavors they have are Butterscotch, Cotton Candy, Whipped cream, and Chocolate Whipped cream which is apparently for black gay guys.  But whatever, gay or not that stuff is delicious, i’ll take a shot of that gay whipped cream down my throat any day!

-Does everyone else play that drunk driving game late at night where you see how long you can drive with both eyes closed?  Because yeah that is really f’n dangerous, don’t do it.  And doesn’t it seem like everyone on the left side of the road has their highbeams on when you’re playing that game, and they are usually honking at you trying to wake you up?  i don’t get why people can’t just let me play my games in peace, especially those silly cops…

“Facebook etiquette”- Depending how old you are determines whether or not you will list the exact date of your birthday on your profile page.  If you’re a kid you have no problem putting the year, but you can be damn sure my page says, “Birthday, August 19th!” It definitley does NOT say i was born in 1978, how the hell am i going to hit on young girls if they know i’m almost 30??   Oh and if you’re a girl and you don’t put the year you were born in i appreciate it, because off the bat i will conclude you are too old for me.

So i hope everyone enjoys the holiday tomorrow, and if anything you learned what Cinco de Mayo is really all about from this blog, so it’s now informative as well as funny!  Alright fine it’s just informative but whatever be nice to me it’s my holiday.  So go out of margaritas, hit up Taco Bell for lunch, pick up a six pack of Dos Equis and rent Three Amigos because that is the funniest Mexican movie ever. 

Adios gringos! – miguel josé


One Response to “"If Jesus comes back as a Mexican, I’m changing faith…" – Tom Duffy”

  1. Eden May 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    ahahahahah….your random nonsense is my favorite part of the blog always…especially the drunk driving game…LOL.


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