"The Waiting, is the hardest part…" Tom Petty

29 Apr

What is up kids?

Man, what is better then it finally being Friday?  Oh wait i know, deciding to take off work today and after boozing hard last sleeping till when i want and then eating the money breakfast and listening to Beck as i write my blog.   Yeah i guess this is a little more fun then being at work…

“For the love Christ have a point today!”  Funny you should ask guy yelling at me before i get off track once again, because i am a little fired up today to be honest.  I’m fired up because i was hanging out at the 9 Iron Grille last night, which is the money little bar/restaurant at the Paramus golf course (that little advertisement better be worth a free beer), and anyways after chatting with the lovely waitresses and dirtbag bartender there it totally hit me that i totally used to be a waiter!

How could i forget this? I was a waiter at Friendly’s for a full year during college, and i don’t care where you are currently waitering now you can trust me my job was WAY worse. Besides the fact that we had to serve, make ice cream, bus and clean our tables while sitting people and running the register, i also had the joy of working right down the street from a high school which is f’n GREAT!  There is nothing better in life then 40 high school kids walking over after a school dance, all of them ordering $4 five scoop sundaes and let me guess, you need 5 different scoops because that is annoying as F to make.  Oh and i already know your kids so you won’t tip me anything, but can you also pay in all change? Trust me, all the free whip-its in the world didn’t save that job from crushing my soul.

After that i went to waiter at the Mason Jar, a bar and grill down the street from my old college Ramapo.  Well, one of my old colleges anyways haha.  This job was pretty legit and i made mad duckets, but after a year i had to leave waitering forever because i finally realized the people on this planet are the WORST.

These people who come to restaurants spend all day getting yelled at at their job and by their wife and/or husband, so where can they go to take it out on someone they have power over?  My restaurant, that’s where.  People are so annoying while ordering their food,  WHY do people always make you recite all the salad dressings?  Is this your first time eating a salad?  You know what dressing you like and you know what most places have, just ask for that first!  Oh and cleaning the Bain Marie is the worst f’n garbage ever.  If you don’t know what that is consider yourself lucky.

And stop being so f’n picky!  “I need my food this certain temperature, this color, add this, don’t put in that, this waters too wet, this foods too hot, this isn’t how it looks in the picture…” Shut it!  If you’re that f’n picky why wouldn’t you just make it how you like it at home?  Oh i know why, because then you wouldn’t be able to order around and torture some kid because you need the power rush to feel better about your miserable life.  Oh and stop letting your kids order Shirley Temples, they’re kinda annoying to make and no you don’t get extra cherries.

Or these aholes that bring coupons to restaurants?  Grow up already.  Bring a coupon but you’d better tip like it was the full bill you cheap basterd.  And if you are going to order 40 waters for all 40 people can you at least pretend to drink them?  I get it, waters free so you want some just like more of our free bread.  You do know they sell bread basically everywhere right?  And pretty cheap too!  Oh and you tables of 10 older ladies, when you need the check split 10 different ways not only are you annoyingly cheap awfully lonely bitches but i hate you and i’m glad your husband left.

MAN i f’n hated being a waiter. No wonder i just pushed those memories out of my dome. It’d be one thing if there was any sort of kharma, like if the people you worked hard for tipped you well and the people you didn’t do well on tipped you poorly, but it doesn’t work like that. You just never know, those people you made laugh and got everything for right away might leave you 3 beans on a $40 tab.  But that awful family you hated so much actually hooked you up so for real who f’n knows?

And before i end this i’m sure some of my more racist readers are wondering why this topic came from the point of view of the “waiter” and not the Mexican workers in the back.  First of all, let me just say i’m never surprised with just how deep the racism of my readers goes, but regardless is there really that much to say about the Mexicans who work in the back? They’re a little creepy, they say the most horrifically offensive stuff to the waitresses all day but they are basically pretty harmless.  And they have a super $hitty job, worse then yours.  So if their highlight of the day is staring at your boobs and making disrespectful comments about you in Spanish i say either let it go or you are in the wrong business.


-i couldn’t imagine going to the gynecologist.  i mean obviously i don’t have to, i’m saying if i were a girl and all.  i feel like i have enough trouble going to the doctor and doing the whole turn my head and cough business while he holds my balleens.   Actually, do they still do that?  i haven’t gone in forever, mostly for that reason.  Anyways i could barely handle that, if i walked into a room and saw stirrups?  i’d be like “later dicks!”

-i met a girl who got pretty heated at me because i called some other young lady a “broad”.  She said she found it offensive, so i had to ask her if i had used the word “bitch” instead of broad would she had been as offended.  She said no, because then i wouldn’t be talking about her.  Broad is a derogatory term towards women and if i had called her or her friend a bitch she would be ready to throw down.  However, if i call random girl a bitch who cares because she doesn’t know them.  Which i guess once again proves my point out of all of this which is bitches be hatin!

-Michael Scott’s last episode on the Office was fantastic.  It was just very well written and i will never ever admit i was almost in tears when Pam said goodbye.  Although who would have guessed on Steve Carell’s last episode Creed would steal the show with the two funniest jokes in the show, him in the bathroom and him with the mug in the end KILLED me.  **Spoiler Alert!**  Oh wait are you supposed to put those alerts before or after i ruin the episode for people who didn’t see it yet?  No, i think i’m right it does comes after.

“Dude – Maggi & Michelle R so mad cool!! Hangin’ with them was money! I am Da Real Perez Hilton”

-Note to self, no more letting girls at bars write my random nonsense on my notepad because i’m drunk and it sounded funny at the time.  And i still hate the Perez Hilton reference…

“Facebook etiquette”- Why do our friends find the need to tag us in all of our WORST pictures ever on Facebook? Thanks ahole, i need everyone seeing me passed out pants off face down in that Dominos pizza box, you’re a great friend and i can’t untag myself and delete you as a friend quick enough.  

Thank you to my new followers, as well as those of you who emailed or text me to say your reading this blog! I should be a whiney bitch more often haha.  No No,  none of that.  And for real thanks for keeping me going with this blog.  i’d definitely keep writing it for no one cause i love it but having a few fans sure doesn’t hurt.  

Enjoy your Friday kids, it’s a beautiful day to be alive so don’t take it for granted.  Do something fun, treat yourself to a $hitty lunch and get off that diet for once, or even go to that happy hour you were on the fence about.  And oh yeah happy birthday to Tom Duffy who’s only been my best friend since 8th grade or so.  You are one old Irish basterd…

-miguel jose


2 Responses to “"The Waiting, is the hardest part…" Tom Petty”

  1. Jim April 29, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    Yeah, that bartender is a Dirtbag.


  2. Michele April 29, 2011 at 9:53 pm #

    Wow. You are fired up.

    Note to self….don't leave the notepad on the bar. Admit it, we were mad cool. Don't confuse Maggi with Maggie, the brunette stripper at the gay bar with the mullet.

    Oh, and if you hate the hernia test, wait for the prostate exam.

    Good blog! Thanks for the laugh!


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