Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.- Jim Gaffigan

8 Apr

What is up kids?

So i feel like i wait all week for Friday to come and then when it does…. i kinda don’t want to do anything.  “You’re getting old old man!”  Kinda true, but i don’t think it’s that.  i think i’m just lazy.  And by think i mean i am an f’n LAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY basterd.

How many of you are like me?  i honestly feel like i’m in the minority these days.  No, not because of my perfect brown golden skin for once but because everyone else seems to be on the health kick.  Everyone gets fired up to go the gym, or eat healthier, or they don’t order a full sandwich AND a slice from that pizza place for dinner last night.  But what do you expect?  All that coming home from work and watching tv and never leaving my bed all night is exhausting and apparently makes me really hungry. 

But i wasnt always this way.  i see pictures of myself when i was a kid and see a skinny little mexican fool with a huge fro, i was like a brown Q-tip with teeth.  Somewhere along the line though i gained a whole bunch of weight, i can’t remmeber when it was though…. oh wait yeah it’s when i went to college and went from playing football, basketball and track all year in high school to joining a fraternity my first semester and partying my face off and playing zero sports.  That might help explain these extra 5 or so pounds.  Whoops, i forgot to add a zero there, i meant 50 or so pounds.

And i lost a lot of those pounds once, some of my friends might remember when i lost 30 pounds in three months two summers ago.  Or maybe you don’t remember it because you’re not obssessed with every little single detail about myself like i am.  Somehow that summer i convinced myself that i actually like running, and between that and not eating garbage i was able to drop weight.  Who would have guessed, all it took was diet and excercise.  I thought i needed some crazy gadgets off of infomercials or to go on some wacky fad diet, apparently all you need to do is excercise and watch what you eat.

But I stopped doing all that and i’m not doing it now.  And i want to be skinny again, just not enough to try.  Because trying is work, and work goes against my whole being lazy routine.  It’s easy to blame the weather and say it’s cold out and it’s unmotivating and blah blah blah it’s all garbage.  i straight up have a gym upstairs at my own house that i never use and it really depresses me, because i’m too lazy to just go upstairs in my own gddamn house?  C’mon ahole, you’re better then that.

Alright maybe i’m not, but i’m gonna try to be.  So starting Saturday i’m officially going to start running again.  And the Mets are going to win the World Series this year.  NO!!!!!  I’m not kidding this time, i’m going to get in f’n shape again!   Maybe by saying it on this blog i’ll have to talk about it sometimes, and now that i know a few people read this and it won’t be just me who will know i’m a fat lazy ahole maybe that’ll motivate me?  Or maybe the fact that the sight of my body sickens me right now to the point where i shower blindfolded, maybe that’s enough for me to get into shape again?

Or maybe, just maybe,  this narcissistic tired topic for today is enough to drive everyone away from ever reading this blog again, who knows.  I’m just trying to be honest, and if me talking about being a hugemongous fat a$$ who doesn’t want to be this way anymore bores you well i don’t blame you i guess.  But that is what is on my mind today so that’s what you get, if you don’t like it well cya later diks!


-Gay guys are so skinny, it’s obnoxious.  I think that’s why i’m so fat, because its like hey look how obviously not gay i am. 

– So i think i figured out what the worst smell in the world is. i haven’t run any scientific tests yet but i’m assuming the car that guys get into after hanging out at a new girl’s place has to contain to be the most horrfic smell on the planet.  Is that not the worst fellas? She finally falls for your bull$hit, you go on a date and get back to her house, and all you can think of is “why did i eat all that cheese at dinner?”  And then you’re stuck holding in all your farts from the massive dump that is definitley coming later.  And there’s no way you’re going to drop this record breaking deuce at her place which is going to be worse then the levies breaking open at New Orleans.  So your only choice is to hold it in as long as you can, which is basically when you get into your car to go home.  Trust me ladies, if you knew the smell we created on the ride home from your place you would never sleep with us again.

-Cash bar weddings?  Look, we all get that weddings are expensive, but there are other places to skip out on.  Let’s think about this, booze can make anything fun and anything look good.  So why spend money on a fancy venue when you can just have an open bar and solve all your problems?  Really, there’s no excuse for it.  If you don’t have enough money to pay for the open bar you don’t have enough money to get married, period.  You might as well get married and not have any rings if you’re going to be that ghetto.

-Apparently every girl on the planet has the middle name “Anne”.  I guess the only difference is if they use an “E” at the end.  But this statement is true, if you want to as an experiment ask 10 girls what their middle name is and i bet at least 4 of them is Ann, no joke.

-So it’s no secret i like younger girls.  Not “illegally” young, just looking like it.  It’s rough when i date girls too young to get into bars though, it’s like hanging out with my friends who don’t drink.  Do you know any of these kinds of people? Or A$$holes, as i like to call them?  I mean who doesn’t drink?  What the hell do you do for fun, or to celebrate? It’s like, “Hey Tom! I got that big promotion!!  Let’s go out tonight and…. Talk!”

Happy Friday kids, hoped you enjoyed this week of blogs.  Thanks to my group of followers which is now at a dirty dozen, and always i do appreciate the comments!  Fun fun fun fun looking forward to the weekend!
-miguel josé


2 Responses to “Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.- Jim Gaffigan”

  1. pinkfishgrl April 12, 2011 at 3:53 am #

    Two summers ago you were plauing beer pong everyday with me, hahahaha not running, hahaha, but we excersised our beer muscles so much our livers still probly hate us. And your shabathering it up blindfolded…is hilarious.


  2. shannon April 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    You know what helps motivate me to eat better and exercise? Reading about all the horrifying diseases that are linked with being overweight. Not only obese, just overweight. Of course, the obvious one is diabetes, but then there's a whole bunch of other ones. Try reading some of the symptoms of those and try to think about how your life would change if you became diabetic. Ughs. This is depressing. Sorry. It just works for me. I scare myself straight, I guess.


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